I'm honestly not sure whether it was my torrid affair with the commissioner's stepdaughter or the coach's wife that got me into trouble (the baby is his! It's not like I was going to get a lady pregnant when she already was!). It's also possible one of the dirtier songs I played in the locker room about that handsome linesman with the full beard who called me offside may have done the trick. A shame, really - all I try to do is spread joy in the world, on and off the ice, and these killjoys just want to take that joy away. 

Well, the joke will be on them. Just because the lightbulbs have to be LED doesn't prevent them from being smartbulbs pre-programmed with rainbow colours and strobe effects, right? When we score, it will be a full disco party. When the enemy scores, the entire arena will go dark so they can bump into things. And if that handsome linesman calls me offside, a powerful red spotlight will turn him into his own personal red light district. Ha ha!