I don´t know how to start this, but I´ll just get to it. I have been in this league for some time now, almost six years soon. During that time the world has changed and the league has changed at the same time. The clearest example of that to me personally is how something that was ok to say then is not ok now, being offensive was almost part of the game back then, a broad statement I know and I realize that I have posted comments that were not ok then and has never been. The point is that I have not been able to change with the times or well truth to be told, I have not even wanted to change, until now.

The thoughts and comments I send away from my keyboard are something I would never say to anyone face to face, I don´t treat people in SHL like I would want to be treated, which is with respect and kindness. I don´t treat people in SHL like I treat people in real life, which is with respect and kindness.

I do the exact opposite when I spew my comments out over here and I do it for selfish reasons. I post in the SHL forums just to annoy people, I act like an idiot despite fully well knowing whatever I´m saying has the potential to annoy and even hurt those who happen to read the comments. The annoyed/angry comments and feedback I sometimes get makes me laugh. That is why I have kept doing it. That is not a healthy way to live your life and not a sign of a decent person. I want to change. I could literally do anything else with my time and it would be a better use of it, but still even today I posted a thread that should have not been posted, I kept posting in it and replying to comments despite having nothing to say in the first place, but I still did it in the hopes of annoying couple users. I understand that what I just said more than likely makes whatever I´m trying to say now feel fake and ungenuine, but I wanted to post this myself.

I can't pretend to understand what it is like to read the comments I have posted, I will never understand what it is like to read some random Finnish guy talk about racism when you face it in your everyday life. I will never understand what it is like to read the comments from someone like me who undermines the struggles of the LGBTQ+ community and in general posts offensive comments towards the LGBTQ+ community when you are part of that community and at the same time have to go out there and face real danger from douches who sound just like me. I will never understand what it is like to work towards something we all enjoy and still having to read someone constantly dump over that work.

I don´t know if I should add names here or not, there is going to be some that I for sure completely ignore if I try, and in all honesty, I don´t even know who all I should tag, that is how little I have paid attention to what happens in front and around me, but from bottom of my heart, in middle of the night somewhere from Finland:

I want to apologize to those who I have offended and hurt over there years, I´m sorry that I have made SHL not safe and in general less friendly place for you to spend time in. It has never been my intention to deeply hurt you or anyone else, I don´t want to be the reason you feel like you can´t share something important with everybody in SHL. I don´t want to be the reason why you cant openly and freely be the way you are.  I´m sorry.

I understand this is very little in the large scale of things and majority wont believe what I said, but I hope at least some of you can someday see that I´m not evil or vile person, I´m just an idiot.

All I can say that I promise to be better from now on. I promise to change. I´m not going to keep on stepping on top of real issues and real people with real feelings just to amuse myself. I realize that words hurt, my words hurt. Everybody deserves better, SHL should be a fun place for everybody. SHL should be a safe place for everybody.

There is nothing I can do or say to make my terrible behavior to go away, all I can do is show that I can be better.

Sorry.