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Snuffalupagus · 06-21-2021, 02:19 PM

Roberto F. (Which stands for FART, by the way) Wright is a barely-professional hockey player born in Drobak, Norway (but found in a dumpster bin outside a TGIFridays). He plays left wing for the Baltimore Platoon, a hockey team composed of hooligans and degenerates. Wright stole a bronze medal from someone in the S59 World Juniors Championship tournament while playing for Team World.

Outside of professional hockey, Wright is also a professional poet who writes uninspired and objectively bad slam poetry. Many of his works have been meme’d in the arts community and Wright himself is referred to as a joke by peers and scholars. Wright also plays professional hopscotch for the Brooklyn Beasts (who have had a losing record for as long as as Wright has been a part of the squad) in his off-seasons from the Platoon.

Wright has a wife, somehow, and two children he claaaaaaims are his. They live together at the Maryland Zoo in Baltimore.

Seymour · 06-21-2021, 02:19 PM

Wearingabear · 06-21-2021, 02:37 PM

dmills3 · 06-21-2021, 03:16 PM

NeverBrokeAgain YoungBoy is an American rapper, singer, and songwr.... oh we're not talking about this YoungBoy? He's a hockey player? Oh.... well in that case, YoungBoy is a professional hockey player for the Vancouver Whalers. YoungBoy was also recently drafted by the Hamilton Steelhawks of the SHL as a defenseman, sorta. YoungBoy is classified as a defenseman, but he doesn't even try to play defense. All he cares about is offense, offense, offense. Don't remember a single game last season where I saw him being defensively responsible. It seems like he only cares about producing offense and padding his 'advanced analytics.' YoungBoy was one of 2 people on the Whalers that had a positive Corsi percentage, while the rest of his team had a low Corsi. If YoungBoy would be more of a traditional defenseman, maybe his teammates would have been able to produce more offense, and maybe the Whalers wouldn't have allowed so many goals against.

charlieconway · 06-21-2021, 04:18 PM

Quote:Written Task: Write a fake Wikipedia page for your current or past player, but in the shoes of your biggest hater. What false/nasty things would they write just to feel like a smartass? (150+ words)

Adam Barron

Adam Cornelius Barron (born June 25, S32) is a Canadian professional sim hockey player and assistant captain of the Toronto North Stars of the Simulation Hockey League (SHL). Nicknamed "Wet Fart" and dubbed "The Biggest Bust", Barron was selected first overall by the Winnipeg Jets in the S50 SHL Entry Draft. Barron is widely regarded as one of the most disappointing sim hockey players of all time.

During his three-year SMJHL career with the Halifax Raiders, his team won a grand total of 0 playoff series. His performance was so poor that a couple of seasons after he graduated to the SHL, the Raiders moved to Maine. He languished in Winnipeg for several seasons, likely leaving management remorseful about wasting a first overall on him in the S50 draft. He then betrayed the team that gave him his shot and was traded to an unsuspecting Toronto North Stars team that has only managed to get to the Conference finals since the deal. He won the Scott Stevens Award for best defenseman in S58, though there is widespread suspicion that there was a backroom deal with money changing hands for that to happen.

It is unlikely that Barron will receive any further success in the seasons to come.

Philip3242 · 06-21-2021, 04:38 PM

Philip Demitra has been one of the biggest losers this past season. Why he went 13th in the latest draft to the Inferno is beyond me. He went -42 last season which is just absurd and had 4 goals against per 60 minutes on ice according to advanced stats. To top it off he also had on of the worst CF%’s on the team at 37.6% while only producing 8 points across the 66-game season. Demitra talks a real big game about how he is a top competitor, and then in the playoffs he disappeared against the Berserkers in the second round getting blasted out in six games after sweeping the Outlaws in the first. Then in the WJC on the Young Guns they also did poorly and Demitra ended up not making the playoff stage with the team. At 5’11 Demitra is tiny and lost the puck so many times near the start of the season it was hilarious. He looks like a small lost tourist on the ice getting tossed into a human pinball game. Demitra got made assistant captain for some reason, which means he must be lying about his hockey experience in the locker room because based on what people have seen on the ice he looks like a minor player… (215 Words)

Berserkers

**RomanesEuntDomus** · 06-21-2021, 04:43 PM

Philipp Winter (born March 31st, Season 26) is a spoiled brat who was born into a self-proclaimed "presitigious" family and was gifted everything from a very young age, who to the surprise of absolutely nobody ended up becoming an insufferable prick with a sense of entitlement only found in the most pampered of young men. Oh and he also styles himself a hockey player.

Phillipp was born into the Winter family who has produced some decent hockey players in the past and he has proceeded to leech of that old glory ever since, without really contributing much of his own to it. He has had all the advantages so far in his career that one could think of, lots of money, committed parents, personal trainers, smart hockey people, and for all that he has surprisingly little to show for. Instead he has spent most of his career in Los Angeles, hanging around with the rich and famous instead of putting in the work that'd be necessary to finally get his team, the Los Angeles Panthers, their first cup in decades.

JSS331 · 06-21-2021, 04:46 PM

Guy O'Shea, professional hockey player for the Hamilton Steelhawks has produced very little in his career worth noting in a Wikipedia page. He got lucky and made an all star team one year and almost led the league in points for a defenseman. Clearly that was a flash in the pan as he has not come close to that production again. He claims to be a strong Irishman but even that leads to doubts. Can barely handle his whiskey without puking it all up. No true man of Ireland would have such a soft pallet. The only thing softer than that was his three fights last season where his record is defeated, as in, he got his ass kicked each time. Even his parents asked to have their names removed from his page because of shame and embarrassment. It is shocking that he made it to the SHL at all with his lack of skill and talent.

Code:
157 Words

KenitohMenara · 06-21-2021, 04:50 PM

ISFL Affliate Link

BoloBill · 06-21-2021, 05:32 PM

Valdis Verjonis was selected by the Chicago Syndicate in the S59 draft. Verjonis was widely lauded as the biggest reach of the S59 draft and one pick that Chicago will regret for all time. The Latvian defensemen was not even good enough to be drafted in the Smjhl draft. He has also held the Anchorage Armada down. They have not won a Championship since drafting Verjonis. Verjonis personal life is nothing to write home about. I bet he falls asleep on the couch covered with potatoes chips. Verjonis hates his fans unlike Jay Sink. Jay Sink is the best player ever cause he cares. Verjonis just has the smug smile he gives and is a horrible interview. Verjonis is set to be one of the worst players drafted in the past 10 seasons. You are wasting you time reading a wiki about such a bad player. Do yourself a favor and google Jay Sink. You're life will be much better for it.

Wc: 162

qWest · 06-21-2021, 06:41 PM

ISFL Welfare

ByrdeMan · 06-21-2021, 06:42 PM

Pro Baseball Evolution Affiliate Point Task

My Username on PBE is Burb!

zeagle1 · 06-21-2021, 07:34 PM

Mew Two: the world's only (and worst) Pokemon turned hockey Player.

Mew Two is an egomaniacal legendary pokemon who got bored of being too cool to hang out with normal pokemon so he decided to give hockey a spin. Mew Two was awful on a very good quebec team his rookie season, barely ever contributing anything and just generally getting in the way. He was then the biggest reach of the draft when the Baltimore Platoon drafted him third overall. In his sophomore season, he embodied the truth that is "Well, someone had to score some goals" as he led the league in points and finished second in MVP voting. Luckily for the winner, that same logic does not apply to him because he wasn't on quebec. Quebec somehow bumbled their way to a four star cup that season, only because Kelwona's sim tester went camping and couldn't test during their series. His third season proved that his second season was a fluke, and qubec sucked too. Mew Two looks to continue sucking in his fourth season of professional hockey.

***Leafs4ever*** · 06-21-2021, 07:45 PM

Damian Littleton was a mediocre defenseman who played for the Winnipeg Jets from Season 1 to Season 8. In his career, he accomplished almost nothing, which is sad since he played at a time where there were such little amount of teams. In season 1, he manged to grab a challenge cup victory because the Dragons were stupid enough to trade 2 top picks for 1 and handled them a stacked roster. Even on that team, Littleton only managed 2 goals and 17 points. In season 3, the awards committee had their worst performance ever when they gave him the Scott Stevens trophy for best defenseman. It is widely accepted that he was given it as a pity because Littleton was well liked around the league, but would never be good enough to win it legitimately. In his second last season, he won the Challenge Cup again on the back of one of the greatest goalies of all time, John McBride. He thankfully retired after season 8, having leeched two cups and a best defenseman trophy off of his teammates and should not be remembered for anything, but that.

(189 words)

Guy Incognito - D - #24
Texas Renegades
Season 80
14-3-1
Regular Season - [G 4] [A 8] [Pts 12] [+/- +12] [PIM 23] [Hits 32] [SB 43]
[Image: ERs3IrD.png]

Duff101 · 06-21-2021, 07:59 PM

The Book of PTs Chapter 1

1 The words of Wikipedia, son of Jimmy and Larry, of the editors that were in the lands of Washington:

2 Revealed to the Editor in the days of Joseph son of Joseph, King of America by the LORD in the first year of his reign.

3 And thus the LORD revealed and came unto the Editor saying

4 I am the LORD your god, creator of the most sacred game, blesser of all goals and fount of all shots, and I have ordained thee my prophet

5 Take heed of my words and rejoice, for they are revealed to thee for distribution to the many

6 Beware of false prophets, those who wouldst try to stray thee from the truths I shall reveal to you

7 And the truth is this:

8 Samat of Kazakh is a deciever, who rules his lands with no real merit

9 Though he claims right to the starting position his achievements are meager and his failures vast

10 He claims to relish in the blessings of advanced stats but in reality even in those metrics he does not really stack up

11 So sayeth the LORD

Credit to Geck, Ragnar and Juni for sigs

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