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***HabsFanFromOntario*** · 02-23-2016, 04:25 AM

So I decided to come up with one reason not to be drafted by each team in the league at 3:05 in the morning while procrastinating doing my assignment due tomorrow. Professional Communication is a boring class anyways. So here goes.

Buffalo Stampede -

These wannabe John Deere inspired individuals have what is probably the worst locker room in the league. The only contenders that could possibly compete with how atrocious it is would be the Portland Admirals and that's because their GM is Harvard educated and thinks he's too cool to be on the SHL. However, the real reason you don't want to be drafted here is the don't show a lot of upside in moving towards becoming a great team. On the SHL, the environment in a locker room is what encourages people to train and aspire to stick around with one team and be better. Unless you're Leafs, then you can do whatever the fuck you want. Try and find one person not on Buffalo who says something nice about them.

Hamilton Steelhawks -

Are we using reasons besides Mac? Wink

I kid, this team is a perennial contender which means good luck getting minutes ever on this team. Having personally played for this team, I can tell you Schultzy is a heathen bastard and Tanner is inactive but cool. If Nuck were here, I guess you could overtake his minutes easily but there's nobody that is easy to replace in the lineup, especially production wise.

Manhattan Rage - Rage

A team with one of the most belligerent tamperers of all time, the worst commish of all time (not really but he did some dumbass shit Sponges), and the second worst commish of all time (for real Wadey) is definitely not a place for prospects who want to have fun in their SHL careers to go. I'd avoid this place at all costs if you could.

Minnesota Chiefs - Chiefs

Some idiot GM ruined them in Season 18 and blew them up to the point they are struggling to recover from that. Jaytee came in to try and breathe life in them but really only managed to bring in two actives and got a lucky die roll to get Chico Salmon. Plus, the Frolunda Indians called and want their logo back.

New England Wolfpack -

Best team in the league, bar none. This is the only team you should aspire to play for. PB is the greatest, and we need to get all the goalies so Storm can re-create into a position where he doesn't need to train.

Toronto North Stars - Stars

:lol: Never won a cup, never going to win a cup. It's Toronto. Raymond3000 is the only redeeming quality about this place. Avoid like the plague if at all possible.

West Kendall Platoon - Platoon

I once retired prior to the SHL draft to avoid being taken 5th overall by the horrible franchise. The hashtag #BetterThanBojo was used to describe every GM ever in comparison to how horrible this scrub is. So many Latvians are here that they might just break out into some dope ass language that leaves you confused and will probably make your stats drop as you try to decide whether they want you to pass or shoot.

Calgary Dragons - Dragons

I had the distinct displeasure of spending the last season of my first player's career on this pile of junk team as the captain no less. Not only did they dishonour Christoph Klose by giving me the "C" instead of him, they managed to miraculously make the finals on his back. We ended up losing, which yet again is Klose's fault. Boring, like the city they're from, Calgary and it's oil fields are responsible for Stephen Harper, which is more than enough reason to tell their management to leave you alone.

Edmonton Blizzard -

Did I say Blizzard? I meant the Edmonton Butt Buddies. Unless you and Tez are best buddies you'll just be a cog in the wheel as you desperately try to join into their "legendary" Chatzy that nobody actually cares about.

Los Angeles Panthers -

The only reason you'll end up drafted to this team is if Wasty finds your name funny. He's constantly baked out of his mind so if you find yourself drafted to this place, find a way to leave before he makes you smoke marijuanas and become addicted and in jail, possibly even dead of an overdose.

Portland Admirals - :admirals:

See: Standings.

Seattle Riot - Riot

Everybody knows their GM is particularly afflicted with yellow fever so he'll probably be off satisfying his craving rather than focusing on the team in front of his eyes. Having played here, I can promise you Duddy is also very Austrian, in a way that should somehow be an insult.

Texas Renegades -

I played for the Oakland Raiders in their first season in the league, honestly just a bad reputation that you don't want following you. If you can't keep a player like Pettyfer around, then you're doing something wrong. Also, Deener will steal your girl, of that you can have no doubt.

Winnipeg Jets - Jets

If you don't make the playoffs your first season here, all the inactives on the team will blame you because, Leafs always makes the playoffs. So you would probably die of shame. Do you really want to risk death?

Disclaimer: This article is satire. If you are offended, please PM somebody who cares, that individual isn't me. If you have any questions, feel free to leave a comment that I'll likely ignore unless I get bored.

Schultzy · 02-23-2016, 04:31 AM

Tanner is active, our prospects aren't :lol: but I am a heathen bastard and we do win every year. Doesn't mean there isn't room on the team. Actually now's a great time to join the Hawks since most of our core is S20 and will be entering regression right about when today's prospects are ready for primetime.

Steelhawks

but only if you enjoy winning. B)

Chris-McZehrl · 02-23-2016, 04:32 AM

after this article I would go to europe

like

BERLIN BOMBERS

BasedMinkus · 02-23-2016, 04:36 AM

The cog in the machine line is so accurate.

People not caring about the god level chatzy is not.

kit · 02-23-2016, 04:36 AM

u wish u were in blizz chatzy

JumpierPegasus · 02-23-2016, 04:38 AM

all you got is the standings? You wanna be drafted here so you become the person to change that. Meaning we are the best franchise

Chris-McZehrl · 02-23-2016, 04:38 AM

Quote:Originally posted by kit@Feb 23 2016, 09:36 AM
u wish u were in blizz chatzy

Chatzy with Blizzard-Hurtings? where I can join? I need and demand hurts! so many like I can get

***HabsFanFromOntario*** · 02-23-2016, 04:39 AM

Quote:Originally posted by JumpierPegasus@Feb 23 2016, 04:38 AM
all you got is the standings? You wanna be drafted here so you become the person to change that. Meaning we are the best franchise

Okay Harvard

JumpierPegasus · 02-23-2016, 04:40 AM

Quote:Originally posted by HabsFanFromOntario@Feb 23 2016, 12:39 AM

Okay Harvard

Doesn't mean I think I'm better than you!

I mean, I am, but that's not why

JumpierPegasus · 02-23-2016, 04:40 AM

Quote:Originally posted by kit@Feb 23 2016, 12:36 AM
u wish u were in blizz chatzy

You don't even come in blizz chatzy

***HabsFanFromOntario*** · 02-23-2016, 04:41 AM

Quote:Originally posted by JumpierPegasus@Feb 23 2016, 04:40 AM

Doesn't mean I think I'm better than you!

I mean, I am, but that's not why

Game 7, Season 5, NWJHL first round of the playoffs, Firebirds vs. Knights.

LB. · 02-23-2016, 04:42 AM

ej dirst

JumpierPegasus · 02-23-2016, 04:42 AM

Quote:Originally posted by HabsFanFromOntario@Feb 23 2016, 12:41 AM

Game 7, Season 5, NWJHL first round of the playoffs, Firebirds vs. Knights.

Glad you specified the exact season and game, considering you've had 20 players

Chris-McZehrl · 02-23-2016, 04:43 AM

Quote:Originally posted by JumpierPegasus@Feb 23 2016, 09:42 AM

Glad you specified the exact season and game, considering you've had 20 players

BasedMinkus · 02-23-2016, 04:47 AM

Quote:Originally posted by JumpierPegasus@Feb 23 2016, 12:42 AM

Glad you specified the exact season and game, considering you've had 20 players

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