GRDE DEADS...(P A N T H E R B O Y S, D R A G O N B O Y S and the Eastern Conference and misc I left blank)
It is the year S55 and the SHL is now just a thing of the past. The few who remember this beautiful league get slack from their grand grand kids, and other people. As we take a trip through the SHL graveyard we notice the headstones.
Winnipeg Jets
Alek Koivu – “Boy he loved a great pair of tits”
Corey Bearss – “Fuckin Betsy DeVoe arming these children against my kind”
Zach Evans – "Winnipeg Jets Player, post Leafs"
Jason Visser – “He put the motion, in the blowjob motion”
Lukas Berger – “++urbandictionary”
Scott Robertson – “I have the biggest man crush on Geoffrey Allen. Not the SHL one the man himself”
Don Pellegrino –
Andris Bukss* – “This Latvian haz too many potat, causing others and patrol man to kill him for potat”
Luke Fleming – “insert dank pepe meme”
Travis Kudleychuk - “ I’m not a fuckin’ rent a cop”
Connor O’Reilly – “League Historian circa S23 – S29, don’t worry someone took his job”
Big Manius –
Rembrandt Q Einstein – “Thank me for officially pulling the plug on the SHL”
Patrik Satan* – “Heard of hell well I was sent from it”
Elyk – “ Kyle spelled backwards”
Vidrik Onoprienko – “ GOAT SIMMER, GOAT PLAYER, GOAT PERSON”
Sami Free – “The forgotten one”
Texas Renegades
Zanarkand Abes – “Died by the ancient practice of foreskin circumcision torture”
Joonas Rasmussen – “It only took me 2 years to reach 500 TPE, but I deserved a GM position”
Adam Kaiser – “The last time GM Allen drafted a promising player”
Georgette Pel – “What Samee’s dreams are made of.”
Willy Mack – “Thank Ryan King for my death”
Conklin Owen –
Lord Vader –
Alexander Charlyb’y – “Almost as good as Dean Colt at face-offs.”
Rick James – “Cocaine is one hell of a drug”
Cody Black – “How the mighty have fallen..”
Christoffer Bjornsson* - “In 2016 teammates talking about marijuana was one of my triggers”
Jack Durden – “GOMHL >”
Geoffrey Allen – “True American Hero who brought the Gold back to the land of the free and brave”
Evandrus Jesster – “I was friendly to everyone who ever crossed my path”
Vladimir Lidstrom – “WOOOO!”
Liam Kinsler – “S19 – Present”
Seattle Riot
Teddy Kesler – “31st Overall to HOFer. Book it”
Caelan Fearghal – “Pritty good at making 15 year olds get pissed off”
Zinaida Titova – “Zina had more conquests of men off the ice, than on. She was a true gem, a real Marilyn Monroe of the SHL”
Vincent Garland – Sparks: Three tittys flow/three tittys hoe
Jeff: SPARKS! THIS IS GARLANDS TOMBSTONE
Sparks: Three tiity bro/ smoking that litty space dro
Garland: BARS!
Cory Knouse – “Actually requested to be drafted by the Seattle Riot”
Trevor Wilson – “The boys called him Tequila Trev”
Justs Sirmais – “Always shares potat when haz more than one. None haz more than one potat”
Viatcheslav Orlov – “The league collectively wishes you retired sooner.”
Michael McFadden –
Jackson Cartier – “Ya’ll got any of the SHL millions for sale? I’m looking for that OG S20 Cash tho”
Patrick Brumm – “Here lives Cirrhosis of the Liver”
Jack Burton – “I should of never trusted Abdeezy with Seattle GM”
David Benson – “Casual first overall bust”
Cameron Urbowicz – “Human Hype Train! CHOO CHOO”
Jed Lloren – “No girls, No cups”
Dean Colt – “:mac:”
Portland Admirals
Teemu Sirius – “The Shaq to Tanners Kobe”
Teodors Cukurs – “ Hamburgers > life”
Veli Kaalinpaa* - “Even he couldn’t save Portland”
Max Weber – “SHL Iron Chef”
Geronimo Otto – “Trevor Wilson needed a shadow to life in”
Isaac Kaiser –
Alex Reed – “Let his play do the talking”
Kyle Wahlgren – “Napolean of the Western Conference”
Reed Laing – “Many City Mayor”
Beau Bent – “Nikita Nevozrov >”
Colin Banning – “Some Portland Prospect”
Kelly Rivet – “Another Portland Prospect”
Barak Obrana – “Probably cannot fly to the US”
Reinis Aumeisters – “ Bukks don’t like you, and he likes everyone”
Jonathan Lundberg – “Quietly amassed all of the TPE”
Ray Pejonis – “Zero Potat”
Chernika Banananov – “Only allowed out of the ArGar’s basement to update”
Edmonton Blizzard
Stuart Minkus – “Once allowed Brumm to beat Edmonton in a playoff series”
Brett Broadway – “Can toast bread?”
Ivan Koroviev – “Plays pretty good in the playoffs”
Nikolaus Scholz – “Founding member of the esteemed S32 German Snipercaust”
Winston Windsor – “I’m glad I left Minnesota”
Theo Kane – “Beast”
Barney Stinson – “Best PGS Director ever!”
Pedro Sarantez – “Also glad I left Minnesota”
Chico Salmon – “Lasted almost as long as the Gib”
P A N T H E R B O Y S S 3 2
Timo Haas - “Made Germany Great Again”
Matthew Leetch - “P A N T H E R”
Jean-Luc Reflieux - “Middle name NoGag”
Sebastian Strange - “The wolf waiting in the weeds”
Hans Moleman - There was no room for an inscription on the tombstone as it was covered with Swelfies.
Felix Herzog - “Smoke um if you got em”
Marc-Andre Malkin - “B O Y S “
Chris Crutchfield - “One time Stevens nominee”
Jaxson Reynolds - “S 3 2”
Ryan King - “#GLM. Gingey Lives Matter”
Johnny Cahill - “In the Shadow of the S25 Greatness”
Anton Fedorov - “!”
Kaapo Kekkonen - “Started from the bottom (of the draft) now I’m here!”
Erik Lundqvist - “A star that didn’t burn out very bright”
Jorma Ruutu - “Meat induced Male morning sickness”
Chester Cunningham - “Not to be confused with Chester the Cheeto”
D R A G O N B O Y S S 3 2
Thaddeus Prince - “I’m glad I was half the goalie my father was”
Sepp Reiter - “Sounds like a place you would take a dump”
Ryan Strathairn - “Not to be confused with Jason Statham”
Joe Kursczewski - “Made STL great again!”
Hunky Monkey - The inscription hasn’t been made because he’ll only be like 15 in S55, so he will be one with memories of his father Bubba.
Shane Gagner - “Brandon Girard >”
Randy Randleman - “Tried….Hard.”
Michael Boychuk - “Silently Super Studly”
Schnitinfritz Jagr - “The best flavor of cookie known to Man.”
Fernando Pergher - “Pergher, I hardly knew her”
Alex Mack - “The Atlanta Falcons allowed 31 unanswered points, while Alex Mack played with a fractured fibula that would typically keep him out 6-8 weeks per Adam Schefter Sources”
Pierre-Luc Laflamme - “One of Brumms Favourite Players”
Bubba Nuck - “Brumm’s Favorite Player”
Nicholas Pedersen - “Career Alternate Captain”
Jaime Hill - “Jala dated down when he chose me”
Tommy Creller - “Daddy AF.”
Chris Johnson - “Potat or no Potat that is my question?”
Hunter Wong - “Making the ice Yellow again”
Esa Annrikkanen - “So many fucking actives in S32, Brumm got tired of writing tombstones”
Buffalo Stampede
Charles Walker – “Self-proclaimed sig god”
TommySalami – “Pizza > life”
Dane Gallo – “I didn’t know pizza places made motors”
Viktor Vorkampfer* – “Donny did it”
Eduard Selich – “The heir to Connor O’Reily’s throne as league historian S31 – RIPepperonis”
Alexis Metzler – “Pretty good at excel spreadsheets”
Brynjar Tusk – “The most recently failed GM of Buffalo”
Steven Stamkos Jr – “Never won a cup, it’s a Family tradition”
Casey Holmes – “First failed GM of Buffalo”
Nicolas Winter – Still living, we know those Winter’s live forever.
Maximilian Wachter* - “criminally underrated”
Robb Wind – “This candle burned out long ago, the legend never ends”
Hamilton Steelhawks
Sami Sirius – “Perennial Recreate”
Smirnov Light Jr – “2.7% ABV, known to get middle schoolers faded”
Tario Tsujimoto – “One thunderdome post”
Ben Waters – “Drove a soccer mom car”
Brennan Kennedy – “Not to be confused with TheRealBK”
Ludwig Koch Schroder* - “Commonly mistaken as Timo Haas”
Ronnie Westbrook – “The Fan Favorite”
Ieuan Llewellyn – “My parents had a grudge against substitute teachers”
Kornel Kasparek** - “One accent mark wasn’t enough”
Danny Foster – “This shit was Bananas B – A –N –A –N –A –S “
Ben Dover – “Here lays some dead facker”
Jon Ross – “Not to be confused with Jim Ross”
Manhattan Rage
Crossfit Jesus – “Who needs proper form when lifting?”
Rurik Razin – “Lifelong Manhattan Rage whipping boy”
Greta Iversen – “Only active in the selfie thread”
Marc Leclerc – “Object of c’s Tampering desire”
Jason Aittokallio – “Big shoes, filled.”
Ekaterina Rudnikova – “Of the stupid SHL names, mine was the prettiest”
Ace Redding – “Actually plays for Portland”
Harry Hans – “Not to be confused with Harry”
Wyatt Wolker* – “Red neck with an accent mark”
Vincent-Leon-Anze Draisaitl-McZehrl – “70% ice time GOAT”
Pal Vikingstod** - “You were appreciated”
Kian Hamilton – “Here lie Vuro Vlaters”
Zallerras Szlerchek – “The train was coming and you were on the track”
Minnesota Chiefs
Halfdan Thorstein – “Belongs in Game of Thrones”
Yuriy Starkonov – “Contributed much assistance”
Eero Hamalainen*** - “Really went buckwild with accent marks”
Lochlann O’Rourke – “First account wasn’t Legendary, so I multi’d”
Samee Iqbal – “Gossiped like 15 year old girl”
Terrence Nova – “When deplorable was trendy”
Noctis Caelum – “Latin for: Average AF Player”
Robert Andersson – “Swegger down pat”
Lord Pretty Flacko – “Twin sister of Lord Petty Flacko”
Alonzo Garbanzo – “Minnesota never traded me”
New England Wolfpack
Tim Elliot – “NEW Prospect that will reach the SHL in like 8 seasons”
Michael Walker – “Jersey Designer n stuff”
Sebastian Thompson – “The second coming of Earnest Ciarelli”
Noah Stevenson – “I have several other tombstones in this graveyard”
Filip Granlund – “Wears his stunner shades in side”
Mikael Talo – “Auditor of the year”
Dieter Dominique – “Knitting my way into the Hearts of Young men”
Mikke Laukkanen – “Pokecheck Defender”
Mia Landvik – “Conductor of the underground Kelowna to NEW Draft Train”
Bennet Jones – “Bird down”
Raven Silverwing – “Sounds like Hentai”
Mattias Holmberg –
Mainio Makinen* - “Please leave my frequent flyer miles to Patrick Brumm”
Tim Buckner – “Another underrated guy”
Jasper Clayton – “Fun > winning”
Patrikov Bure – “Cynthia Taylor Multi”
Earnest Ciarelli – “Rode coattails”
Nathan Russel – “Pretty life”
*indicates you have a stupid accent mark in your name, these are low budget tombstones engraved in Comic Sans.
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