Louie Garrett and the Mole People
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Word Count: 3,103

Today I am going to be telling you a fantastical story of adventure and discovery. It’s a story that sparks imagination and wonder in those who also seek to uncover the remaining mysteries of our world... Maybe, I don’t know you. At this point you might be saying to yourself right now “this doesn’t sound like it’s related to hockey, like not even in the slightest”. If you said this, you’re correct. It really doesn’t have anything to do with hockey, the SHL, or really the SMJHL either. It’s really just a story about me, Louie Garrett, and my quest to discover the far reaches of the unknown. Or it might just be entirely made up because I had nothing to do this morning so I decided to write an article and had no good ideas for a legitimate piece, which is very likely the situation but that’s for you to decide.

Ever since I was a young lad, I can remember my grandfather telling me his stories of his time as an adventurer and seeker of strange and unusual things. He would tell me stories of places he had been, people he had encountered, and most importantly how he knows about the top-secret government genetic testing laboratories spread across the United States. With painstaking detail, he would describe what these laboratories were attempting to accomplish. He would grab me by the shoulders and tell me “Louie, they’re real and it’s your job to find them someday”. It wasn’t long after that that he was taken to a mental facility. I would get letters from him occasionally, the first of which described in detail how he prison shanked a couple of other residents at the facility so it sounded like he was doing well. Of all the stories that he told me about the secret government facilities though, the most interesting was about the mole people.

My grandfather always claimed that there was a race of mole people who lived deep underground. He would always tell me that these people were the result of genetic experiments performed by government scientists. He believed that secret government facilities were attempting to fuse the DNA of humans and moles together in order to create a division of super soldiers for the United States military. And really, who’s to say that they wouldn’t be the perfect soldiers? Humans are bipedal, have intelligent thought, and the ability to run for extremely long distances. Mole have extra thumbs, are good at digging, and have diets that mostly consist of earthworms and nuts. Conveniently, these are all of the skills that the average human would need to be considered a super soldier by the US military. Anyway, this secret government facility was successful in their genetic tests, they actually managed to fuse the DNA of a human and a mole. It was at this facility, they started to grow mole people super soldiers for future use, but then disaster struck. The power went out and the three-thousand-watt backup generator that they leased from Lowes was nowhere near powerful enough to keep the mole people contained within their restraints. The mole people managed to escape the facility and make their way underground where they bred, constructed large cities, and created an entire society unknown to the general human population. Now this is all just a story, right? Well that’s what I thought too, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

It was an average Tuesday for me. I had gone to school and was already home from hockey practice when I heard a knock on the door. My parents weren’t home from work yet, so I figured that I would actually go answer it for once. I mean, it couldn’t have be anything unusual, it’s usually just people trying to sell us crap that we don’t want. As I made my way to the door though, I could hear a couple of men talking. I looked through the window beside the door and saw two men, one wearing a military uniform and the other wearing a black trench coat. As I opened the door, they stopped chatting about whatever it was that they were talking about and stared at me intently. The one guy wearing the trench coat cleared his throat and said “You are Louie Garrett, correct? The grandson of James Garrett.” I didn’t know what to say so I just kind of stared at them. The man in the military uniform stepped forward and said “We have reason to believe that your grandfather told you a story about the mole people that escaped from a top-secret government facility. We’ve come here today to tell you that that story is accurate. Your grandfather was correctly informed about the situation”. I was stunned, I exclaimed “So you are going to be able to get him out of the mental facility”? They laughed responded, “Shit no, son. He stabbed a guy in there. He’s in solitary confinement. Anyway, we’ve come here today to ask for your help in finding the lost city of the mole people. You are the only person who may know about this. We need your help as your grandfather may have disclosed necessary information about finding what we are looking for. Should you be successful you would be considered an American hero”. I nodded my head without any real questions because that really helps to advance the plot of this story. I didn’t really want to get into all of the different details about contract negotiations and logistical issues of a child aiding the United States military in a search for underground mole people cities because we all know that the government is slow as shit. In reality this would have been months of waiting around for paperwork to be processed so like I said, I’m just going to skip all of that.

The first thing that I had to do was go talk to my grandfather about any leads he might have as to where I might search for the secret underground mole people city. I took the bus to the facility where he was being held. I walked to the front desk and asked the nurse there if it would be possible to speak to him. She obliged despite the fact that he was stabbing people, I don’t know how he kept getting shanks, and took me to the solitary confinement ward where he was being kept. I sat down with him and said, “Hey grandpa. I’ve come to talk with you about the story of the mole people that you used to tell me. Anyway, the government has told me that your story is true and I need your help finding the city. Is there anything that you can tell me?” He solemnly looked at me and said, “You have to look in the desert. Go to Arizona and look in the desert. That is where you will find the city of the mole people. Louie, go find the mole people. FIND THEM, but you can’t tell the government about it. I know they were the ones that told you to look for it, but they can’t know”! I nodded my head, now confused about whether or not I should be helping the government, and went to the airport to board the next plane to Arizona. Where in Arizona was I going? I had no fucking clue, basically the entire state is a desert. I forgot to ask him where I should be going specifically, which was probably a pretty big oversight on my part but I continued onward.

As I was sitting on the plane, I was trying to think of a plan to find the city. I had literally no idea where to start. I was told that I had to go to the Arizonan desert to be able to find it. That’s a whole lot of help, right? The whole fucking state is a desert and I can’t spend my entire life looking for this place. I figured that once I landed in Phoenix I could maybe look around the city to find someone who would be able to help me in my journey. The plane from Seattle to Phoenix finally landed and I walked out of the airport into the dry desert air. I got and Uber ride to a local store and bought a shovel and some other pieces of mining equipment for my adventure. I asked the cashier at the store if they had any ideas as to where I could look for the lost city of the mole people. They shrugged in response and that was that. I had run out of ideas as to who to ask for help. So, I sat down and tried to think of a strategy going forward. The only book that I had ever read in my entire life was “Holes” by Louis Sachar. In the book, they searched the desert by digging holes five feet wide and five feet deep. I figured that the mole city was probably deeper underground than that, but shit man, who am I to question the logic of the 2012 number six ranked children’s novel of all time. So, I made my way out to the desert and started to dig holes that fit those dimensions.

As I was digging the first hole, I heard a car coming down the old country road that I was near. An old beat up truck pulls up next to me and holy shit, it’s National Hockey League referee, Tim Peel. He looks at me and says “Hey kid, what are you doing out here all by yourself?” I look at him and say, “Digging a hole.” Puzzled, he responds “Do you need any help digging?” To which I curtly retort “Fuck off, Tim. I don’t need your help (honestly who wants help from Tim Peel)”. He shrugs his shoulders and says “Alright, well I have an appointment to go sixty-nine with Gary Bettman, that should be a good time. Good luck to you with your digging”. As I watch him drive away with the image of him and Gary Bettman burned into my mind, I start to get back to digging the hole. This is the point in my journey where things started to become a blur. I would spend day after day after day of digging hole after hole after hole. The desert heat was starting to play tricks on my mind, but I had to continue onward for I had to complete my quest. I was starting to lose it, my supplies were running low, and I was just about to give up when I heard a voice. I must have been hallucinating because it was the voice of my grandfather. As it turns out I heard the voice because in my heat stroke driven stupor I had answered my cellphone on which he was calling me. Why didn’t I use my phone before this point? That’s a good question. It’s because I’m not a smart person. Anyway, he called to tell me that he had broken out of the mental facility and he was on his way to meet up with me in the desert to help look for the city.

After several hours, my grandfather met up with me in the desert and looked at all of the holes that I was digging. He said, “Louie, what the fuck are you digging holes for? You realize we are looking for mole people, right? They already dug the hole down to their cities we just have to find them. Also, even if we did have to dig our own holes, these holes are nearly deep enough”. Yeah, he probably had a point about that. He tells me that we should go look at the base of some of the nearby mountains because they naturally had some cave openings that they might have used as a starting point. Again, this made sense, so we started off in the direction of the mountains.

It felt like hours of walking under the blazing sun of the Arizonan desert, but the mountain ranges eventually started to seem like they were getting closer and closer. We finally reach the base of one of the mountains and we start to look around for any caves openings that might be around. Again, it felt like it was hours that we were searching for any sign of somewhere where the mole people might have gone. After days of searching, we finally came across a cave opening. We took a quick look inside, but there didn’t really seem to be anything that gave an indication as to indicate that the mole people had used this cave. But then, my grandpa shouted “OVER THERE, WHAT’S THAT OVER THERE”? I had to squint, but all the way in the back of the cave it looked like there was a sign. We scrambled to the back of the cave to get a closer look. I pulled out a flashlight to be able to read the sign and clear as day it read out “Mole People City This Way” with an arrow pointing down. Sure enough, right near our feet there was a hole in the ground that looked like to could continue on into a tunnel. It was hard to contain our excitement, but we finally calmed down and decided that we needed to go down the hole to see if the sign was actually correct.

The hole was just big enough for us to crawl on our stomachs, but we were able to fit. I went in first and started down the tunnel. As I was crawling down the tunnel, I could start to hear an unusual sound. It almost sounded like a wet, slurping sound, but like I said it was very strange to say the least. I continued crawling through the tunnel and the sound kept getting louder and louder. After several minutes of crawling, I could see that up ahead the tunnel was opening up into a larger room and that appeared to be where the source of the noise was coming from. Just as I was about to pull myself up to the end of the tunnel, the sound stopped. I could hear some talking and the smell of smoke. I peered out of the end of the tunnel and below me were the naked bodies of Tim Peel and Gary Bettman; the horror that had become me. They were lying on the ground smoking cigarettes as they had just finished their lover’s embrace. I audibly said, “what the fuck” just loudly enough for them to hear. They both looked up at me and Tim Peel responded “Oh hey, look Gary. It’s the digging kid that I was telling you about”. By this time both my grandfather and myself had made it out of the tunnel. Gary Bettman squealed like a little girl, grabbed his clothes and booked it out of the tunnel as fast as he could. “That was weird” my grandfather stated. We both looked at Tim Peel and I said, “Yo, the sign said that the mole people city was this way. Do you happen to know where it is”? Tim stared at us and said, “Yes it’s back over there, there’s another tunnel that will take you the rest of the way”. “How do you know this” my grandfather responded. As he was putting his clothes back on, Tim replied “the mole people let Gary and I use this cavern as long as I make shitty calls in the NHL, it’s a deal that we have had for a long time”. That actually made a lot of sense to both my grandfather and myself, I mean, what other excuse could he really have?

So, we headed to the back of the cave to continue on our way to the mole people city. We found the tunnel that Tim Peel was talking about, this one was a little bit bigger than the one we originally came through, and started our way down it. We eventually reached the end of the tunnel and what did we see? A giant city constructed within the massive cavern. There were huge buildings and a Starbucks and Wal-Mart. We started our way towards the city and that’s when the mole people started to take notice of our presence. Most of them ran away into hiding, but a few approached us. “Welcome to our city” one of the mole people exclaimed. “It was only a matter of time before you humans discovered the location of our home”. As we stood there, we continued to look around at what the mole people were able to construct. They had modern electronics, such as video boards on the sides of some of their buildings. That’s when we noticed that something was a little off though. “What are you able to broadcast on the televisions that you have down here”? asked my grandfather. One of the mole people responded that the only things they were able to get underground was the NHL network and standard North Korean broadcasts. In fact, all of the mole people were official citizens of North Korea. “ALL HAIL DEAR LEADER” the mole people shouted as they pointed to an erected statue of Kim Jong Un. My grandfather and I look at each other and start backing towards the exit. That’s when the mole people noticed that we were attempting to leave and started to chase us. We booked it, but before we could reach the exit tunnel, there was a blinding flash of light.

I woke up in a hospital bed and my parents were standing next to the bed. “Holy shit, he’s awake” my Dad exclaimed. “You took a slapper to the head, Louie. You’ve been out of it all day”. I looked at both of my parents and said, “what about the mole people and grandpa”? They both looked at each other and then back at me. “Louie” my Mom said, “your grandfather has been in the mental institution for years. Remember, he fucking stabbed a guy”. Maybe I didn’t actually go on an adventure to find the mole people. Or maybe the chemicals that the government drops from airplanes on its citizens is making me forget the fact that I actually did go look for them. The world may never know the truth. The moral of the story is though, don’t do drugs kids. Or do drugs, I don’t really care. I’m not your parent. Also fuck Tim Peel and Gary Bettman.

Louie Garrett || RW || Texas Renegades || USA || 1715 TPE
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SHL Total Regular Season Statistics:
GP: 550, G: 253, A: 298, P: 551, +/-: 66, PIMS: 120, H: 514, SB: 161
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SHL Total Playoff Statistics:
GP: 68, G: 27, A: 42, P: 69, +/-: 15, PIMS: 13, H: 37, SB: 17
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SMJHL Total Regular Season Statistics:
GP: 150, G: 48, A: 43, P: 91, +/-: 5, PIMS: 57, H: 118, SB: 24
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SMJHL Total Playoff Statistics:
GP: 31, G: 14, A: 17, P: 31, +/-: 1, PIMS: 10, H: 23, SB: 4

I believe in mole people. Some of my family have seen them in Kathmandu.

Elite article

 

Thanks to prettyburn, TML, Carpy, JNH, Jepox, Engi, Karey, Flappy, Skolpadder, Mook, DollarAndADream, Smirnov and Toe for the sigs.

Code:

Crossfit's First Career SHL Goal, 4. Manhattan Rage , Crossfit Jesus 1 (Pedro Sarantez, Nucky Toohoots) at 5:51

Code:

Devitt's First Career SHL Goal, 5. Calgary Dragons , Prince Devitt 1 (Barry Batsbak 21, Mike Izzy 14) at 10:43

Crossfit Jesus || Retired

Age: 21

Height 6'1"

Weight: 217lbs

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Transactions:

Drafted 35th Overall by the St.Louis Scarecrows in the S32 SMJHL Draft.

Drafted 43rd Overall by the Manhatten Rage in the S33 SHL Draft.

 Signed Entry Level Deal with the Manhatten Rage

 Signed a 3 yr/12M Contract extension with the Rage.

  IIHF Status changed from Canada to Sweden

 Signed a 2yr/15.5M contract with the Jets

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 Awards/Milestones:

 S33 Micheal Haan Award Winner for Most Dedicated on the Crows

 T-5th for most goals in history in a single SMJHL Season. 28 goals (S34)

 S34 Challenge Cup Winner with the Rage.

 S34 Martucci Award Winner.

S34 Kane Summers and Brady Wingles Award Winner.

 S36 SHL All-Rookie Team.

 S38 Challenge Cup Winner with the Rage.

 S44 Challenge Cup Winner with the Jets.

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 SMJHL Season Stats:

S32 (STL) SMJHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 3 G, 2A, 5 PTS

S33 (STL) SMJHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 6 G, 14 A, 20 PTS

S34 (STL) SMJHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 28 G, 28 A, 56 PTS

 S35 (STL) SMJHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 24 G, 23 A, 46 PTS

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 Total SMJHL Season Stats: GP: 200, 61 G, 67 A, 128 PTS

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 SMJHL Playoff Stats:

 S34 (STL) SMJHL Playoffs - GP: 13, 5 G, 5 A, 10 PTS

 S35 (STL) SMJHL Playoffs - GP: 7, 2 G, 2 A, 4 PTS

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 Total SMJHL Playoff Stats: GP: 20, 7 G, 7 A, 14 PTS

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 IIHF Stats:

S35 (SWE) IIHF Tourney - GP: 13, 0 G, 0 A, 0 PTS

 S36 (SWE) IIHF Tourney - GP: 10, 1 G, 3 A, 4 PTS

 S37 (SWE) IIHF Tourney - GP: 11, 3 G, 1 A, 4 PTS

S38 (SWE) IIHF Tourney - GP: 10. 0 G, 0 A, 0 PTS

 S39 (SWE) IIHF Tourney - GP: 10. 1 G, 4 A, 5 PTS

 S40 (SWE) IIHF Tourney - GP: 10. 4 G, 7 A, 11 PTS

 S41 (SWE) IIHF Tourney - GP: 10. 2 G, 3 A, 5 PTS

 S42 (SWE) IIHF Tourney - GP: 10. 4 G, 2 A, 6 PTS

 S43 (SWE) IIHF Tourney - GP: 10. 2 G, 4 A, 6 PTS

 S44 (SWE) IIHF Tourney - GP: 10. 3 G, 2 A, 5 PTS

 S45 (SWE) IIHF Tourney - GP: 10. 4 G, 3 A, 7 PTS

 S46 (SWE) IIHF Tourney - GP: 11. 8 G, 7 A, 15 PTS

 S47 (SWE) IIHF Tourney - GP: 13. 2 G, 8 A, 10 PTS

 S48 (SWE) IIHF Tourney - GP: 15. 10 G, 11 A, 21 PTS

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 SHL Season Stats:

 S36 (MAN) SHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 14 G, 17 A, 31 PTS

 S37 (MAN) SHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 19 G, 12 A, 31 PTS

 S38 (MAN) SHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 16 G, 19 A, 35 PTS

 S39 (WPG) SHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 14 G, 18 A, 32 PTS

 S40 (WPG) SHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 12 G, 9 A, 21 PTS

S41 (WPG) SHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 17 G, 33 A, 50 PTS

S42 (WPG) SHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 14 G, 13 A, 27 PTS

S43 (WPG) SHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 26 G, 28 A, 54 PTS

S44 (WPG) SHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 19 G, 22 A, 41 PTS

S45 (WPG) SHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 16 G, 22 A, 38 PTS

S46 (WKP) SHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 27 G, 25 A, 52 PTS

S47 (WKP) SHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 25 G, 36 A, 61 PTS

S48 (WPG) SHL Regular Season - GP: 50, 13 G, 31 A, 44 PTS

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Total SHL Regular Season Stats: GP: 600, G: 232, A: 285, PTS: 517 

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SHL Playoff Stats:

 S34 (MAN) SHL Playoffs - GP: 3, 0 G, 0 A, 0 PTS

 S38 (MAN) SHL Playoffs - GP: 20, 4 G, 3 A, 7 PTS

 S39 (WPG) SHL Playoffs - GP: 13, 3 G, 3 A, 6 PTS

 S40 (WPG) SHL Playoffs - GP: 14, 6 G, 3 A, 9 PTS

 S41 (WPG) SHL Playoffs - GP: 13, 4 G, 3 A, 7 PTS

 S43 (WPG) SHL Playoffs - GP: 17, 6 G, 16 A, 22 PTS

 S44 (WPG) SHL Playoffs - GP: 18, 8 G, 4 A, 12 PTS

 S45 (WPG) SHL Playoffs - GP: 4, 0 G, 1 A, 1 PTS

 S47 (WKP) SHL Playoffs - GP: 15, 8 G, 8 A, 16 PTS

 S48 (WPG) SHL Playoffs - GP: 19, 2 G, 7 A, 9 PTS

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Total SHL Playoff Stats: GP: 136, G: 41, A: 48, PTS: 89

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"Machine Gun" Prince Devitt || D || Knights || Dragons || 1022 TPE

Name: Prince Devitt
Age: 37
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 190 lbs
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SMJHL Season Stats:
S48 (KEL) SMJHL Season: GP: 50, G: 4, A: 9, PTS: 13
S49 (KEL) SMJHL Season: GP: 50, G: 3, A: 34, PTS: 37
S50 (KEL) SMJHL Season: GP: 50, G: 1, A: 34, PTS: 35
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SMJHL Regular Season Total Stats: GP: 150, G: 8 , A: 78, PTS: 86
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SMJHL Playoff Stats:
S48 (KEL) SMJHL Playoffs: GP: 6, G: 1, A: 3, PTS: 4
S49 (KEL) SMJHL Playoffs: GP: 17, G: 1, A: 14, PTS: 15
S50 (KEL) SMJHL Playoffs: GP: 6, G: 0, A: 4, PTS: 4
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SMJHL Total Playoff Stats: GP: 29, G: 2, A: 21, PTS: 23
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SHL Season Stats:
S51 (CGY) SHL Season: GP: 50, G: 0, A: 10, PTS: 10
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SHL Playoff Stats:
S50 (CGY) SHL Playoffs: GP: 11, G: 0, A: 0, PTS: 0
S51 (CGY) SHL Playoffs: GP: 7, G: 0, A: 4, PTS: 4

Originally posted by dandydoodle+Apr 18 2017, 12:24 PM--><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1' id='QUOTE-WRAP'><tr><td>QUOTE (dandydoodle @ Apr 18 2017, 12:24 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->I believe in mole people. Some of my family have seen them in Kathmandu.[/b]

We need more believers in the world.

<!--QuoteBegin-Crossfit Jesus@Apr 18 2017, 12:53 PM
Elite article[/quote]

Thanks bruh.

Louie Garrett || RW || Texas Renegades || USA || 1715 TPE
------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Total Regular Season Statistics:
GP: 550, G: 253, A: 298, P: 551, +/-: 66, PIMS: 120, H: 514, SB: 161
------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Total Playoff Statistics:
GP: 68, G: 27, A: 42, P: 69, +/-: 15, PIMS: 13, H: 37, SB: 17
------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Total Regular Season Statistics:
GP: 150, G: 48, A: 43, P: 91, +/-: 5, PIMS: 57, H: 118, SB: 24
------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Total Playoff Statistics:
GP: 31, G: 14, A: 17, P: 31, +/-: 1, PIMS: 10, H: 23, SB: 4

This is the fucking shit man, nice job.

Originally posted by wheelingmoms@Apr 18 2017, 02:53 PM
This is the fucking shit man, nice job.

Thanks brotha!

Louie Garrett || RW || Texas Renegades || USA || 1715 TPE
------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Total Regular Season Statistics:
GP: 550, G: 253, A: 298, P: 551, +/-: 66, PIMS: 120, H: 514, SB: 161
------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Total Playoff Statistics:
GP: 68, G: 27, A: 42, P: 69, +/-: 15, PIMS: 13, H: 37, SB: 17
------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Total Regular Season Statistics:
GP: 150, G: 48, A: 43, P: 91, +/-: 5, PIMS: 57, H: 118, SB: 24
------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Total Playoff Statistics:
GP: 31, G: 14, A: 17, P: 31, +/-: 1, PIMS: 10, H: 23, SB: 4

An EPIC tale of EPIC proportions! Bravo my good sir, bravo!

Originally posted by QuantumCowboy@Apr 20 2017, 12:13 PM
An EPIC tale of EPIC proportions! Bravo my good sir, bravo!

Thanks man, I appreciate it!

Louie Garrett || RW || Texas Renegades || USA || 1715 TPE
------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Total Regular Season Statistics:
GP: 550, G: 253, A: 298, P: 551, +/-: 66, PIMS: 120, H: 514, SB: 161
------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Total Playoff Statistics:
GP: 68, G: 27, A: 42, P: 69, +/-: 15, PIMS: 13, H: 37, SB: 17
------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Total Regular Season Statistics:
GP: 150, G: 48, A: 43, P: 91, +/-: 5, PIMS: 57, H: 118, SB: 24
------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Total Playoff Statistics:
GP: 31, G: 14, A: 17, P: 31, +/-: 1, PIMS: 10, H: 23, SB: 4