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Chippy Chiclets Guide on going HAM in the SMJHL Rookies: Read this or GTFO
#1

Hey all you pansies and prissies. I'm Chippy Chiclets, and for the vast majority of you who aren't lucky enough to come to Vancouver, I will be your worst nightmare for the upcoming season. Because I am such a generous individual, I have decided that I will teach you exactly what you need to do to go from absolutely worthless to simply mediocre in the SMJHL this season.

1. Put all your TPE into fighting

Listen, in this league, we don't raise no hosers. If you are too scared to throw a punch at every single faceoff, you don't belong here. Case in point, I punched Vancouver GM Kai the second he drafted me. Who does he think he is standing that close to me? Anyone within arms reach gets put on my hit list, and every single player in this league agrees. If you want to get out on the ice, you better be ready to leave some blood on it.

2. You will get injured

See #1. If you're already pissing yourself because you're worried about my punches, you're gonna get a nice wakeup call when you have 210 pounds of Chippy flying towards your head in a few short weeks. I'm not the only one, Dwayne Wyder once elbowed some kid off the top of the damn goal. Bar Downski once took off his skate and attempted to beat someone to death with it. You think I'm joking? Ask those skaters how it felt. Wait, you can't cause they are in a coma. Case in point, at the very least expect to spend some time in the ice bath, and that's your best case scenario. The last guy I hit is breathing through a tube.

3. Demand three million more than your GMs first offer you

Listen, your GMs despise you. They don't care whether you live or die. That's why they drafted you into this league. And we don't have easy lives either. There's hookers to buy. And blow. And more hookers. And even more blow. If you don't have at least six figures to drop on a Friday night in a back alley in bumfuck Kelowna, you are going to wither away in the unemployment line before your game on Saturday. Stacks on stacks on stacks. Get paid, playa, so you can rock with Alice every single night.

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4. Don't buy equipment

Equipment is a huge waste of your time. First off, we're going to make you take the ice naked until you earn your equipment. Inari Twain didn't even get skates until the 12th game, and he didn't get a stick until he threw a puck so hard at Marmaledov that he sent him into the net with it. You think you can afford shoulder pads? Think again: getting hit by the players in this league gives you built in shoulder pads. Plus, any equipment that you buy is more that you're gonna have to carry to each and every practice, to each and every game. Do yourself a favor and take the Ice like a real hockey player: butt ass naked.

5. Don't forget the golden rules

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#2

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Printed out this topic and taped it to my wall so it can inspire me every morning and remind me what the SMJHL is all about. Thank you for your service.

Jack Tanner (D) - [Player Page] [Player Updates]


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One sig is tweed's and the other was a karlssens/Copenhagen collab

AC | Bank | Claims
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#3

Lol... Awesome

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#4

*does the opposite of all of this.

Good to see you back though <a href='index.php?showuser=1250' rel='nofollow' alt='profile link' class='user-tagged mgroup-3'>Whikadoodle</a>
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#5

*Furiously scribbles down notes*

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#6

+1

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Knights|Dragons|Austria
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#7

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Thank you! hahaha, had a great laugh

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thanks to @Wasty, @Bruins10, @Carpy48 and @iRockstar for the sigs!


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#8

Don't forget to retire and unretie to start your career.

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#9

I love it
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#10

Quote:Originally posted by Whikadoodle@Aug 3 2017, 10:46 AM
you who aren't lucky enough to come to Vancouver, I will be your worst nightmare for the upcoming season.

or not Wink

júnior Guarda
Throat Goat
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