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ErM · 04-13-2018, 07:13 PM

Tor Tuck has decided to sit down with a media and give his view on all of the teams in the league after rumors have cropped up surrounding some movement in his future at the end of the season?

Now many of you at home may be asking yourself, what rumors are you talking about? This is the first I am hearing about this! Etc. Well that is because we are in the process of actively starting those rumors now.

First thing is first, there is some obvious tension in the Edmonton Blizzard locker room with Tor Tuck and his teammates. Where did the drama all begin? It is hard to say, but a recent hot button issue arose during the NHL playoffs when Tor Tuck was torn between his teammates Tigole Bitties and Hercules Rockefeller and their love for the Boston Bruins and Toronto Maple Leafs. Put under the pressure of his teammates Tor Tuck said that his three favorite NHL teams were actually the Philadelphia Flyers, the Los Angeles Kings, and whoever won the Stanley Cup this season. Needless to say, none of his teammates had a positive response to this and even Tor Tuck himself looked notably sick after saying he supported any professional sports team from the greased up metropolitan area of Philadelphia.

The next issue is something much of the league is probably very familiar with and likely could have guessed. Since a fateful day back in February 2018 Tor Tuck has been putting up the good fight against serial mass retire-er and actual cancer Connor Tanner. In January Tor Tuck was on the top of the world, he had been working hard and was on an upward trajectory towards being one of the best defenders in the league. Then one day the “crack general manager team” of Erik Chisling and Karl Karlssens showed up to work drunk and coked up and decided they would trade for Connor Tanner, actual human cancer. If you don’t believe me take a look at a photo of him and his brother Jack Tanner.
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I mean, these are just cold hard facts. Now we may have gotten a little bit off course here, but let me keep this train moving. Not only did Connor Tanner came in and push Tor Tuck down the depth chart to an the third line like some kind of simpleton, he also has been forced to resist Connor Tanner’s constant pressure to team retire to stick it to the man. I do not really know what that means but the longer Tor Tuck is around Connor Tanner and his lackeys the more likely he thinks he is to show signs of his own cancer and likely retire. Now for many of you, this was probably an obvious point, no rising star wants to ride the pine behind somebody who makes guys like Mr. Shit and Chris Brown look like good people. But this was strike two. Please note that this does not even take into consideration the fact that in exchange for captain cancer, the Edmonton Blizzard gave away the Michael Jordan of the SHL, the man, the myth, the legend Connor Blackwell. Now it is obvious to everyone that not all Connors are created equal. It may not have been clear to Tor Tuck that Connor Blackwell was anything special when he was in the locker room in Edmonton it was very clear that dark day in February that the only thing Tor Tuck needed in his life was Connor Blackwell, but unfortunately he was left with some knock off called Connor Tanner.

Strike three is probably the most egregious offense that Tor Tuck has faced thus far at the hands of the Edmonton Blizzard. Every day he hops into the locker room and is constantly assaulted with reminders from Tigole Bitties (<a href='index.php?showuser=177' rel='nofollow' alt='profile link' class='user-tagged mgroup-13'>Ace</a>) to do things like claim his points earned from point tasks and accept his contract for free money. Tor Tuck is a grown ass man Tigole Bitties, what are you trying to be his mother. The friendly reminders to get free points are just too much to bear.

Now, let us move on to the ranking of the teams.

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14. Hamilton SteelHawks
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Look there was a time where the Steelhawks would have been much higher on Tor Tuck’s list of destinations. One of the league’s best kept secrets was that Tor Tuck and Noro Wozy used to spend their offseason time playing video games and watching whatever the most popular Anime show is called right now. However, one day Noro Wozy decided that he was on the upswing and he stabbed Tor Tuck in the heart and ran way to chase some slutty girls in Orange County California. It would be too painful to have a reunion. This is not mentioning fact that the transaction thread would probably get half of the players on each team banned and that none of this would be worth the payment of hugs and jelly beans Tor Tuck would likely receive as compensation in classic Steelhawks fashion.

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13. Seattle Riot
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There is not a lot of appeal for Tor Tuck on the Seattle Riot. Sure the City of Seattle is awesome but that is about all they have going for them. The locker room does not have anybody Tor Tuck knows and for better or worse it is not high up on his list of priorities to change that. Tor Tuck is trying to get off of the team with incompetent management, but not to join another one with some leadership that others have told Tor Tuck to be suspect about.

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12. Texas Renegades
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Texas is basically the exact same outlook for Tor Tuck as the Seattle Riot. He does not know a lot of people there and he does not really anticipate that changing. Plus, Tor Tuck attended the same game night as Jack Durden a few times and Jack Durden really kicked his ass. The Texas Renegades are ranked higher than Seattle Riot because they are the better team. Though I will be honest they were almost still ranked lower because, well, Texas.

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11. Manhattan Rage
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Jason Aittokallio is great and Tor Tuck would be completely confident in his ability to build a strong team that will one day be a contender the rest of the league fears. Furthermore, Tor Tuck has had some pretty positive with interactions with some players on the Manhattan Rage. So a special shout out to Kornel Kasparek as well. Unfortunately, there is a cloud hanging over Manhattan that has soured a city Tor Tuck as previously quite fond of. The infamous Bubba Nuck is still around and could make a return at any moment and start reliving people left and right. Tor Tuck would probably be quite high on the list of candidates so he would never feel quite comfortable to make Manhattan his new home.

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10. Winnipeg Jets
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At this point, this is just a middle of the pack team for Tor Tuck. There is nobody on the team that Tor Tuck has any issue with but there also are not any players that really made an impression. Perhaps the most interactions Tor Tuck has had have been with Crossfit Jesus, and while those impressions may have been mostly positive they were not enough to sway the entire Winnipeg Jets organization as a place where Tor Tuck is itching to continue his career.

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9. The Los Angeles Panthers
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The Los Angeles Panthers are another team that is just sort of there for Tor Tuck. There are not really any interactions that stand out to him and in reality, he would probably rank them right there with the Winnipeg Jets for a pretty close tie. The edge might go to the Los Angeles Panther just because they have a cool color scheme and Tor Tuck would look good in a nice colored Los Angeles Panther jersey.

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8. Minnesota Chiefs
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Now this is another team that is just sort of floating in the middle for Tor Tuck, but gets a bit of an edge over the other two teams for a couple of reasons. First, Tor Tuck has had many casual run ins with players and the general managers for the Minnesota Chiefs and he left them with a positive impression of those people in pretty much every situation he can think of. But the big sell is really to line up and play on the back end with the greatest named defender in the entire Simulation Hockey League. The fucking man, Alonzo Garbonzo. Even if everybody on the Minnesota Chiefs were a bunch of dicks, Tor Tuck would still likely put them around this position just to get on the ice with Alonzo Garbonzo. Enough said on this one.

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7. San Francisco Pride
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While thinking about this team Tor Tuck felt like a rank of seven really did not make sense but he decided to go with his quick impression and also use the sure thing over the potential. The San Francisco Pride has a lot of things going for it. Tor Tuck was immediately a fan of the branding the team did when the moved to San Francisco and the play on the team name and nice logo helps that case. It also does not hurt that Tor Tuck would get to head to the San Francisco area, a place he is fond of. Tor Tuck has nothing but respect for everything he has seen from Jeff Krikstone since joining the league and does not anticipate that changing. There are also some guys Tor Tuck has had some great times with including Isaac Kaiser, Jacob Renninger, Jack Tanner (cancerous sibling aside, we all have one in the family), and even the main man Joseph Lombardi. Tor Tuck would have a good time in San Francisco with such a solid team from top to bottom.

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6. West Kendall Platoon
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The West Kendall Platoon are here for one reason: Sven Broksted. That guy is the man. There are some players on the West Kendall Platoon roster that are not fans of Tor Tuck, but honestly, Tor Tuck does not give a shit about them and it would still work.

Now, Tor Tuck was anticipating finishing this before he went home from the Edmonton facilities for the weekend but it looks like that is not going to happen. Instead, everyone will have to wait in anticipation until the article finishes and speculate on where their teams will fall on the list. Until then that is all we will have to go on.</div>

satire:the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

Code:
1810 words

karlssens · 04-13-2018, 07:22 PM

Donâ€™t leave me.

.bojo · 04-13-2018, 07:28 PM

Who ain't a fan of tuck.

There's only one of him!

ckroyal92 · 04-13-2018, 07:32 PM

Quote:Originally posted by .bojo@Apr 13 2018, 06:28 PM
Who ain't a fan of tuck.

There's only one of him!

That's what you think

ErM · 04-13-2018, 08:02 PM

Quote:Originally posted by .bojo@Apr 13 2018, 03:28 PM
Who ain't a fan of tuck.

There's only one of him!

vbottas17 · 04-13-2018, 08:23 PM

Who?

Good luck!

TheWoZy · 04-13-2018, 08:27 PM

what

vbottas17 · 04-13-2018, 08:32 PM

Lol at slutty girls from Orange County comment!

JR95 · 04-13-2018, 08:54 PM

Quote:Originally posted by .bojo@Apr 13 2018, 06:28 PM
Who ain't a fan of tuck.

There's only one of him!

***DrunkenTeddy*** · 04-13-2018, 09:02 PM

I am deeply offended that Mr Tuck doesn't want to come to Hamilton. You can't hold going to OC against my friend Wozy, it's the only way to win a championship in Nsfl. Tongue

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***Ace*** · 04-13-2018, 09:16 PM

How fucking dare you act like you're a free agent while under contract

***WannabeFinn*** · 04-13-2018, 09:27 PM

top 5 top 5 top 5

ml002 · 04-13-2018, 09:31 PM

Quote:Originally posted by WannabeFinn@Apr 13 2018, 07:27 PM
top 5 top 5 top 5

Credit to Copenhagen, Wasty, FlappyGiraffe, InciteHysteria, and caltroit_red_flames
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CFJ · 04-13-2018, 10:17 PM

Good stuff. Cheers

Thanks to prettyburn, TML, Carpy, JNH, Jepox, Engi, Karey, Flappy, Skolpadder, Mook, DollarAndADream, Smirnov and Toe for the sigs.

Code:
Crossfit's First Career SHL Goal, 4. Manhattan Rage , Crossfit Jesus 1 (Pedro Sarantez, Nucky Toohoots) at 5:51

Code:
Devitt's First Career SHL Goal, 5. Calgary Dragons , Prince Devitt 1 (Barry Batsbak 21, Mike Izzy 14) at 10:43

Grapehead · 04-13-2018, 11:01 PM

7 ain't bad

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