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ml002 · 10-24-2018, 03:55 PM

Why Your Team Sucks S44: Manhattan Rage

Disclaimer: This is in the same vein as Deadspin’s articles on NFL teams. All in good fun and I’m saving my team for last to really rail into them. Anything I say should be taken as a joke and I mean no offense. Did something different last season but felt like it was boring as hell to read and ultimately too positive.

Your Team: The Manhattan Rage
New York, New York. The big crapple. I mean it’s a nicer place than San Fran, but only on the basis of needles per square foot.

Your S43 Record: 20-25-5 (7th in East, 13th overall)
I don’t know if any of you share a locker room with JayWhy, but I do. You wanna know how many times he’s mentioned how close the Rage were to not finishing last in the East? Way too fucking many considering they still finished last in the East and second to last in the SHL. Plus you didn't even have your first round pick to benefit from it. Suck it JY.

Your Star: D Reginald MacIntyre @GoonerBear
Unlike San Fran, you lack even more in terms of star power as this team is stupid young and doesn’t even bolster a single player over 1000 TPE. MacIntyre is a great prospect, but is still sub 800 TPE. You could also say Yannick Berger is your star player, but MacIntyre is already passed him in TPE and had a season to try to catch up. MacIntyre is gonna need a big glow up to support the young cast of defenders being called up, but is clearly gonna need to lead the young cast of new faces in the locker room.

What’s New That Sucks: Jax Attiokallio @JayWhy
With all the quality call ups this team is making there is a clear bias and nepotism towards one in particular. Jax is a part of one of the SHL’s most heralded hockey families, but is the first to stray away from the net. But is that the right decision? Jax has experience of shooting on some of the SHL’s greatest netminders, but did he ever score on them? He only scored 21 times in 100 games against SMJHL level talent, so the question must be asked. Plus my dumbass drafted him so clearly he sucks.

What has always sucked: Lottery Luck
[Image: 7d91848e985ff4bffa15a296e0b38406.png]

[Image: 7d91848e985ff4bffa15a296e0b38406.png]

I had something else here at first, but then I remembered this. Good fucking lord this team and the lottery is something else. I don’t think a team has ever come second in so many lotteries before. It’s damn near impressive that with the odds often stacked in your favor, that you manage to so consistently finish 2nd so often. Hell you didn’t even own your lotto pick this season and it STILL finished second. Insane.

What might not suck: Call ups
Much like San Fran, Manhattan are calling up a litany of their prospects this season, which short term may see a slight step back as lower TPE players may be getting more key minutes at first, this bodes well for the future of the team. With a few of them being from defense, this team, which ranked 2nd to last in goals against last season, will probably see some improvement on that front.

Let’s remember that time you sucked: “Relived”
In what might be one of my personal favorite moments of my time here, we had the pleasure of seeing a Co-GM fired after a private trade thread was moved to the public. In short order we saw a trade, become a firing and soon after we had to quality pastas made. And let’s not forget this was only shortly after they won a Challenge Cup, and saw their young stud in CFJ leave in free agency. But hey at least we all got a good laugh out of it.