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Troy Reynolds Discusses Struggles, Smebs and A Certain City
#1
(This post was last modified: 01-02-2019, 01:09 PM by sharksisback.)

So. This season hasn’t exactly started according to plan. My boys haven’t won a game yet, I haven’t registered a point, and that son of a bitch Jon Jones beat Alexander Gustafsson. I’m still pissed about that. HE KNEED HIM IN THE FUCKING DICK. Ahem. Anyways, I’m sitting here drinking my stats away and listening to Perfect by Simple Plan because Papa Reynolds told me I’m playing like actual shit. Like he explained that if feces was a hockey player, it’d be me. But it’s too late, I can’t take it back, I’m sorry I can’t be perfect.

I’ve registered literally two shots on goal this year and that’s like not ideal but it is what it is. Here’s the thing that many of you neckbeard keyboard warriors don’t understand about hockey, it’s hard. You can keep telling me that I’m a menace to society, a cancer to the locker room, a hemorrhoid in the ass of Halifax, whatever. You’ll all come around to love me once I get off this slump. 

But let’s clear something up about this season so far. I have not lost a game. Do you understand me? I have never lost a game in my career. Let me tell you something, only in some alternate universe can a team outshoot a team by 13 shots and somehow, because some jackass said “HEY LET’S MAKE EM PLAY ONE ON ONE AND CALL IT A SHOOTOUT”, do we “lose”. And then a bunch of morons have been asking if I’ve been playing drunk out there. Listen, if my phone rings and the police call me up and say, 'Troy, your blood-alcohol level is too high.' and I say, 'Well, how high was it?' They say, '0.1.' I said, 'What's normal?' They say, '0.'; I’ll say, 'One-tenth? You're telling me I'm only one-tenth higher than the average man? Re-test that - you must have caught me on a low day. Troy Reynolds is undefeated. No asterisks, no performance enhancers, no problem. 

I’ve had to play 3-4 Smebs three times in the last week. I still don’t know if the Smeb with the hyphenated name counts because quite frankly I’m too scared to ask. And as I was walking out of the Halifax arena, I saw the damndest thing. I saw Parker and Chico playing around in front of their team bus and I thought ‘well kids will be kids. Probably the first time they’ve been out in public instead of locked up in the basement’. Then, and I’m not kidding when I say this, Parker pulls a carrot out of his pocket and sticks it in the grill of the bus. Meanwhile, Chico starts petting the damn bus. Engine revs and Chico tries to calm the bus down by continuing to pet it and cooing “whoa there big fella”. They thought the bus was a horse! If you believe I lost to a family that has never seen a bus before, I’ve got a bridge to sell you.

Next, we played Lethbridge and the first thing that happens is Perry Morgan gets himself kicked out of the game for trying to injure a Lion. I’m just sitting there on the bench laughing my ass off because that’s hilarious. Mild-mannered Perry Morgan decided to be Matt fuckin Cooke for a night. My only complaint is I had to go kill the damn penalty. He owes me a drink. Anyways, the Lions only scored one even-strength goal. We also had one even-strength goal so as far as I’m concerned, we tied with the Lions. 

Then we went to that festering cesspool known as Montreal. Which is also where our new GM came from. Needless to say, I expect to see the bench soon enough. Let me start off by saying I’ve never been in a worse place than Montreal. I come from Buttfuck Nowhere, Wisconsin and I still would take that bootlicking town over the rotting corpse of a city called Montreal. I heard that on the 8th of every month, the members of the Militia gather up as many kittens as they can and murder them. Which is an improvement considered they used to do it every two weeks.

So we go to Montreal, and first, we go to the strip club. I wanted to experience just one positive moment in this godforsaken hellhole. I get in there and the strippers are dancing to some electronic bullshit. I hate electronic music more than I hate being sober. But that’s fine, the strippers are hot. I take some of my cash and try to get a lap dance, then some asshole says “Éloigne-toi de ma copine, connard”. I don’t speak surrender so I put that shit into Google Translate and he apparently said “Get away from my girlfriend, asshole.”

It’s not my fault that his girlfriend looked like a stripper. If anything, he should have thanked me for complimenting his girlfriend like that. Next on my bucket list of things to do in the seventh circle of hell known as Montreal was to find a lady to get down with. Let me tell you something, you guys back in Halifax should feel blessed. Halifax has the classiest women in Eastern Canada. Montreal has a bunch of health concerns. I’m pretty sure if I had succeeded in my quest, I would be on the shelf with any combination of herpes, syphilis, and/or Ebola. There was literally only one girl in Montreal I would have considered. But she was a ginger...I like my women to have souls.

Finally, we get to the arena and it smells exactly how I thought it would. Rotten milk, sulfur, onions and decaying human flesh. My belief in a higher being evaporated because if there is a god, I don’t wanna believe in him if he let Montreal exist. There are no redeeming qualities about this place. 

That bum Nikolai Evans was on the ice and couldn’t even muster up a goal. Just two measly assists. You know where assists get you? They get you living in a van down by the river, that’s where. Get gooder you scrub.

And then in the third period, Montreal sends out some goon named Willie Fisterbottom and he mugs Kristoffer Matsson. What kind of “high prestige” team approves of that. Them and their classless fans ate that shit up because they think that hockey is human cockfighting where everyone fights for their amusement. Willie I’ve got your number in the back of my head, I’ll see your ass on the ice next time. 

Then they say Montreal won despite the lack of goals from the golden boy Evans and the mugging that occurred. I don’t know how the law works in that anarchist city, but in Halifax, we call that ASSAULT and that is against the law. So that can’t be considered a loss when there’s repeated legal offenses on the ice.

Don’t worry Raiders fans, we’re still the undisputed champions until someone LEGITIMATELY dethrones us. Season’s just begun and you haven’t seen anything yet.

P.S. Casimir Stevens, you better stay in your crease when we play you. Would be a shame if an accident happened because you wanted to handle the puck. 

Troy Reynolds
Raiders Right Winger
The Man of The Hour
Too Sweet to Be Sour
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#2

@Troy_McClure03 I found another troy

[Image: 0XJkcN5.png]
Czechoslovakia PROFILE || UPDATE || RAGE. Rage 
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#3
(This post was last modified: 01-02-2019, 02:47 PM by Flames1848.)

Great read



[Image: image.png][Image: image.png][Image: image.png][Image: image.png][Image: image.png]
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#4

That Smeb partLaughing

Former
SHL Head Commissioner S12ish-S27ish
GM Dragons S8 & S9 (Won cups both years)
2x GM Of The Year
5 Time Cup Winner
League MVP

Past Players
[Image: HOF2.png] D - Aidan Richan - [Image: HOF2.png] (S5 11th Overall) Dragons
[Image: HOF2.png] C - Chico Salmon - [Image: HOF2.png] (S17 1st overall)  Renegades

Current Player
D - Chico Smeb (S46)

SMJHL - Drafted 65th Overall by Raptors
SHL - Drafted 23rd Overall by Dragons
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#5

this is content

Dickens Makeout-King
Lethbridge Lion
69th Overall Pick S45 SMJHL Draft
Lover
LW
[Image: Lions.png]
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#6

Legend in the making.

raiders

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#7

01-02-2019, 01:17 PMluketd Wrote: @Troy_McClure03 I found another troy

You meant better right?

[Image: TROYMCCLURE.gif]
Colorado Raptors Capitan S42-Until Forever!
Czechia Wants you! Ask about a transfer!!




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