Login

kit · 01-08-2019, 02:11 AM

Kit Smeb had always loved beautiful Korea with its barbecued, brawny Big trees. It was a place where he felt angry.

He was a charismatic, boistrous, port drinker with red hands and brown abs. His friends saw him as a violet, vivacious volcano. Once, he had even jumped into a river and saved a dead old lady. That's the sort of man he was.

Kit walked over to the window and reflected on his scary surroundings. The snow flurried like walking falcons.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Parker Smeb. Parker was an exuberant giant with solid hands and slimy abs.

Kit gulped. He was not prepared for Parker.

As Kit stepped outside and Parker came closer, he could see the shredded glint in his eye.

Parker glared with all the wrath of 8673 arrogant sneezing snakes. He said, in hushed tones, "I hate you and I want friendship."

Kit looked back, even more joyous and still fingering the tiny knife. "Parker, you are a good brother," he replied.

They looked at each other with sleepy feelings, like two rare, rough raptors gyrating at a very noble funeral, which had reggae music playing in the background and two snotty uncles hopping to the beat.

Kit regarded Parker's solid hands and slimy abs. "I feel the same way!" revealed Kit with a delighted grin.

Parker looked aggitated, his emotions blushing like a high, hot hockey stick.

Then Parker came inside for a nice glass of port.

THE END

"The stripy sandwich"

Kit Smeb looked at the stripy sandwich in his hands and felt delighted.

He walked over to the window and reflected on his old-fashioned surroundings. He had always hated quiet Korea with its obnoxious, old-fashioned oceans. It was a place that encouraged his tendency to feel delighted.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Daniel Smeb. Daniel was a gentle volcano with ginger fingers and blonde toes.

Kit gulped. He glanced at his own reflection. He was a grateful, forgetful, cocoa drinker with blonde fingers and fragile toes. His friends saw him as a crispy, combative carer. Once, he had even brought a cruel baby flamingo back from the brink of death.

But not even a grateful person who had once brought a cruel baby flamingo back from the brink of death, was prepared for what Daniel had in store today.

The drizzle rained like boating mice, making Kit healthy.

As Kit stepped outside and Daniel came closer, he could see the quiet smile on his face.

"I am here because I want brotherhood," Daniel bellowed, in a spiteful tone. He slammed his fist against Kit's chest, with the force of 5825 cats. "I frigging love you, Kit Smeb."

Kit looked back, even more healthy and still fingering the stripy sandwich. "Daniel, I ate your puppy," he replied.

They looked at each other with stable feelings, like two knobbly, keen kittens dancing at a very spiteful birthday party, which had orchestral music playing in the background and two considerate uncles singing to the beat.

Suddenly, Daniel lunged forward and tried to punch Kit in the face. Quickly, Kit grabbed the stripy sandwich and brought it down on Daniel's skull.

Daniel's ginger fingers trembled and his blonde toes wobbled. He looked active, his body raw like a beautiful, breakable banana.

Then he let out an agonising groan and collapsed onto the ground. Moments later Daniel Smeb was dead.

Kit Smeb went back inside and made himself a nice mug of cocoa.

THE END

Two Violent Uncles Cooking to the Beat

Viktor Vorkampfer was thinking about Charles Walker again. Charles was a lovable writer with sticky legs and wobbly elbows.

Viktor walked over to the window and reflected on his quiet surroundings. He had always hated cold Los Angeles with its raw, rough rivers. It was a place that encouraged his tendency to feel sad.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the a lovable figure of Charles Walker.

Viktor gulped. He glanced at his own reflection. He was a giving, clumsy, squash drinker with charming legs and wide elbows. His friends saw him as an envious, early elephant. Once, he had even saved a fragile deaf person that was stuck in a drain.

But not even a giving person who had once saved a fragile deaf person that was stuck in a drain, was prepared for what Charles had in store today.

The wind blew like boating giraffes, making Viktor shocked. Viktor grabbed a minuscule sausage that had been strewn nearby; he massaged it with his fingers.

As Viktor stepped outside and Charles came closer, he could see the shallow glint in his eye.

Charles gazed with the affection of 154 bold round rats. He said, in hushed tones, "I love you and I want Internet access."

Viktor looked back, even more shocked and still fingering the minuscule sausage. "Charles, I'm in love with you," he replied.

They looked at each other with lonely feelings, like two funny, fantastic foxes skipping at a very incredible rave, which had piano music playing in the background and two violent uncles cooking to the beat.

Viktor studied Charles's sticky legs and wobbly elbows. Eventually, he took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," began Viktor in apologetic tones, "but I don't feel the same way, and I never will. I just don't love you Charles."

Charles looked unstable, his emotions raw like a happy, harsh hawk.

Viktor could actually hear Charles's emotions shatter into 2648 pieces. Then the lovable writer hurried away into the distance.

Not even a beaker of squash would calm Viktor's nerves tonight.

THE END

Kit had always loved cosy New York with its horrible, hissing hills. It was a place where he felt sleepy.

He was a rude, sinister, beer drinker with red toenails and moist eyelashes. His friends saw him as a grated, gentle gamer. Once, he had even helped a forgotten puppy cross the road. That's the sort of man he was.

Kit walked over to the window and reflected on his quiet surroundings. The sun shone like thinking aardvarks.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Flappy Giraffes. Flappy was a witty monster with ample toenails and handsome eyelashes.

Kit gulped. He was not prepared for Flappy.

As Kit stepped outside and Flappy came closer, he could see the super glint in his eye.

"Look Kit," growled Flappy, with a scheming glare that reminded Kit of witty mice. "It's not that I don't love you, but I want a phone number. You owe me 8244 euros."

Kit looked back, even more irritable and still fingering the spotty guillotine. "Flappy, beam me up Scotty," he replied.

They looked at each other with afraid feelings, like two powerful, poised puppies talking at a very gracious wedding, which had drum and bass music playing in the background and two down to earth uncles shouting to the beat.

Kit regarded Flappy's ample toenails and handsome eyelashes. "I don't have the funds ..." he lied.

Flappy glared. "Do you want me to shove that spotty guillotine where the sun don't shine?"

Kit promptly remembered his rude and sinister values. "Actually, I do have the funds," he admitted. He reached into his pockets. "Here's what I owe you."

Flappy looked active, his wallet blushing like a narrow, nice newspaper.

Then Flappy came inside for a nice drink of beer.

THE END

"The Clouds that Danced like Sitting Koalas"

Chico Salmon looked at the spotty hawk in his hands and felt happy.

He walked over to the window and reflected on his cold surroundings. He had always hated sleepy Korea with its clean, combative cliffs. It was a place that encouraged his tendency to feel happy.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Chico Smeb. Chico was a generous painter with fragile thighs and slimy eyebrows.

Chico gulped. He glanced at his own reflection. He was a generous, down to earth, beer drinker with squat thighs and tall eyebrows. His friends saw him as a gorgeous, great god. Once, he had even brought a massive owl back from the brink of death.

But not even a generous person who had once brought a massive owl back from the brink of death, was prepared for what Chico had in store today.

The clouds danced like sitting koalas, making Chico cross.

As Chico stepped outside and Chico came closer, he could see the curious glint in his eye.

"Look Chico," growled Chico, with a giving glare that reminded Chico of generous foxes. "I hate you and I want justice. You owe me 8074 euros."

Chico looked back, even more cross and still fingering the spotty hawk. "Chico, I just don't need you in my life any more," he replied.

They looked at each other with delighted feelings, like two moaning, mangled monkeys drinking at a very optimistic dinner party, which had flute music playing in the background and two cowardly uncles eating to the beat.

Suddenly, Chico lunged forward and tried to punch Chico in the face. Quickly, Chico grabbed the spotty hawk and brought it down on Chico's skull.

Chico's fragile thighs trembled and his slimy eyebrows wobbled. He looked anxious, his wallet raw like a steamed, shiny sausage.

Then he let out an agonising groan and collapsed onto the ground. Moments later Chico Smeb was dead.

Chico Salmon went back inside and made himself a nice drink of beer.

THE END

and finally a song

He gets on with life as a hockey player,
He's a strong kinda chap.
He likes listening to music on Sundays,
He likes watching films in the week.
He likes to contemplate hockey.
But when he starts to daydream,
His mind turns straight to stiletto boots.

Boom boom shake da boom-boom-boom!

Sometimes I look at him and I look into his eyes,
I notice the way he thinks about stiletto boots with a smile,
Curved lips he just can't disguise.
But he thinks it's hockey making his life worthwhile.
Why is it so hard for him to decide which he loves more?
Hockey or...
Stiletto Boots?

He likes to use words like 'twizzle,'
He likes to use words like 'twizzle.'
He likes to use words about hockey.
But when he stops his talking,
His mind turns straight to stiletto boots.

Boom boom shake da boom-boom-boom!

Sometimes I look at him and I look into his eyes,
I notice the way he thinks about stiletto boots with a smile,
Curved lips he just can't disguise.
But he thinks it's hockey making his life worthwhile.
Why is it so hard for him to decide which he loves more?
Hockey or...
Stiletto Boots?

He likes to hang out with Parker,
He likes to kick back with Daniel,
But when left alone,
His mind turns straight to stiletto boots.

Boom boom shake da boom-boom-boom!

Sometimes I look at him and I look into his eyes,
I notice the way he thinks about stiletto boots with a smile,
Curved lips he just can't disguise.
But he thinks it's hockey making his life worthwhile.
Why is it so hard for him to decide which he loves more?
Hockey or...
Stiletto Boots?

He's not too fond of brothers,
He really hates washing dishes,
But he just thinks back to stiletto boots,
And he's happy once again.

Boom boom shake da boom-boom-boom!

got bored and wrote some more

Once upon a time there was a courageous boy called Kit Smeb. He was on the way to see his Brother Daniel Smeb, when he decided to take a short cut through Gruesomeside Forest.

It wasn't long before Kit got lost. He looked around, but all he could see were trees. Nervously, he felt into his bag for his favourite toy, Donkey, but Donkey was nowhere to be found! Kit began to panic. He felt sure he had packed Donkey. To make matters worse, he was starting to feel hungry.

Unexpectedly, he saw a curel falcon dressed in a purple skirt disappearing into the trees.

"How odd!" thought Kit.

For the want of anything better to do, he decided to follow the peculiarly dressed falcon. Perhaps it could tell him the way out of the forest.

Eventually, Kit reached a clearing. He found himself surrounded by houses made from different sorts of food. There was a house made from peppers, a house made from crisps, a house made from chocolates, a house made from humbugs and a house made from cupcakes.

Kit could feel his tummy rumbling. Looking at the houses did nothing to ease his hunger.

"Hello!" he called. "Is anybody there?"

Nobody replied.

Kit looked at the roof on the closest house and wondered if it would be rude to eat somebody else's chimney. Obviously it would be impolite to eat a whole house, but perhaps it would be considered acceptable to nibble the odd fixture or lick the odd fitting, in a time of need.

A cackle broke through the air, giving Kit a fright. A witch jumped into the space in front of the houses. She was carrying a cage. In that cage was Donkey!

"Donkey!" shouted Kit. He turned to the witch. "That's my toy!"

The witch just shrugged.

"Give Donkey back!" cried Kit.

"Not on your nelly!" said the witch.

"At least let Donkey out of that cage!"

Before she could reply, four curel falcons rushed in from a footpath on the other side of the clearing. Kit recognised the one in the purple skirt that he'd seen earlier. The witch seemed to recognise him too.

"Hello Big Falcon," said the witch.

"Good morning." The falcon noticed Donkey. "Who is this?"

"That's Donkey," explained the witch.

"Ooh! Donkey would look lovely in my house. Give it to me!" demanded the falcon.

The witch shook her head. "Donkey is staying with me."

"Um... Excuse me..." Kit interrupted. "Donkey lives with me! And not in a cage!"

Big Falcon ignored him. "Is there nothing you'll trade?" he asked the witch.

The witch thought for a moment, then said, "I do like to be entertained. I'll release him to anybody who can eat a whole front door."

Big Falcon looked at the house made from cupcakes and said, "No problem, I could eat an entire house made from cupcakes if I wanted to."

"That's nothing," said the next falcon. "I could eat two houses."

"There's no need to show off," said the witch. Just eat one front door and I'll let you have Donkey."

Kit watched, feeling very worried. He didn't want the witch to give Donkey to Big Falcon. He didn't think Donkey would like living with a curel falcon, away from his house and all his other toys.

The other three falcons watched while Big Falcon put on his bib and withdrew a knife and fork from his pocket.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Big Falcon. "Just you watch!"

Big Falcon pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from crisps. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

And more.

And more.

Eventually, Big Falcon started to get bigger - just a little bit bigger at first. But after a few more fork-fulls of crisps, he grew to the size of a large snowball - and he was every bit as round.

"Erm... I don't feel too good," said Big Falcon.

Suddenly, he started to roll. He'd grown so round that he could no longer balance!

"Help!" he cried, as he rolled off down a slope into the forest.

Big Falcon never finished eating the front door made from crisps and Donkey remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Average Falcon stepped up, and approached the house made from chocolates.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Average Falcon. "Just you watch!"

Average Falcon pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from chocolates. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

And more.

And more.

After a while, Average Falcon started to look a little queasy. She grew greener...

...and greener.

A woodcutter walked into the clearing. "What's this bush doing here?" he asked.

"I'm not a bush, I'm a falcon!" said Average Falcon.

"It talks!" exclaimed the woodcutter. "Those talking bushes are the worst kind. I'd better take it away before somebody gets hurt."

"No! Wait!" cried Average Falcon, as the woodcutter picked her up. But the woodcutter ignored her cries and carried the falcon away under his arm.

Average Falcon never finished eating the front door made from chocolates and Donkey remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Little Falcon stepped up, and approached the house made from humbugs.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Little Falcon. "Just you watch!"

Little Falcon pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from humbugs. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

And more.

And more.

After five or six platefuls, Little Falcon started to fidget uncomfortably on the spot.

He stopped eating humbugs for a moment, then grabbed another forkful.

But before he could eat it, there came an almighty roar. A bottom burp louder than a rocket taking off, propelled Little Falcon into the sky.

"Aggghhhhhh!" cried Little Falcon. "I'm scared of heigh..."

Little Falcon was never seen again.

Little Falcon never finished eating the front door made from humbugs and Donkey remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Tiny Falcon stepped up, and approached the house made from cupcakes.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Tiny Falcon. "Just you watch!"

Tiny Falcon pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from cupcakes. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

And more.

And more.

However, on the next mouthful, the food fell straight out of Tiny Falcon's mouth. She tried to stuff in another forkful of cupcakes, but once again, the food fell out. There just wasn't enough room left in her belly.

"This is just not fair!" declared Tiny Falcon, and stomped off into the forest.

Tiny Falcon never finished eating the front door made from cupcakes and Donkey remained trapped in the witch's cage.

"That's it," said the witch. "I win. I get to keep Donkey."

"Not so fast," said Kit. "There is still one front door to go. The front door of the house made from peppers. And I haven't had a turn yet.

"I don't have to give you a turn!" laughed the witch. "My game. My rules."

The woodcutter's voice carried through the forest. "I think you should give him a chance. It's only fair."

"Fine," said the witch. "But you saw what happened to the falcons. He won't last long."

"I'll be right back," said Kit.

"What?" said the witch. "Where's your sense of impatience? I thought you wanted Donkey back."

Kit ignored the witch and gathered a hefty pile of sticks. He came back to the clearing and started a small camp fire. Carefully, he broke off a piece of the door of the house made from peppers and toasted it over the fire. Once it had cooked and cooled just a little, he took a bite. He quickly devoured the whole piece.

Kit sat down on a nearby log.

"You fail!" cackled the witch. "You were supposed to eat the whole door."

"I haven't finished," explained Kit. "I am just waiting for my food to go down."

When Kit's food had digested, he broke off another piece of the door made from peppers. Once more, he toasted his food over the fire and waited for it to cool just a little. He ate it at a leisurely pace then waited for it to digest.

Eventually, after several sittings, Kit was down to the final piece of the door made from peppers. Carefully, he toasted it and allowed it to cool just a little. He finished his final course. Kit had eaten the entire front door of the house made from peppers.

The witch stamped her foot angrily. "You must have tricked me!" she said. "I don't reward cheating!"

"I don't think so!" said a voice. It was the woodcutter. He walked back into the clearing, carrying his axe. "This little boy won fair and square. Now hand over Donkey or I will chop your broomstick in half."

The witch looked horrified. She grabbed her broomstick and placed it behind her. Then, huffing, she opened the door of the cage.

Kit hurried over and grabbed Donkey, checking that his favourite toy was all right. Fortunately, Donkey was unharmed.

Kit thanked the woodcutter, grabbed a quick souvenir, and hurried on to meet Daniel. It was starting to get dark.

When Kit got to Daniel's house, his Brother threw his arms around him.

"I was so worried!" cried Daniel. "You are very late."

As Kit described his day, he could tell that Daniel didn't believe him. So he grabbed a napkin from his pocket.

"What's that?" asked Daniel.

Kit unwrapped a doorknob made from crisps. "Pudding!" he said.

Daniel almost fell off his chair.

The End

Once upon a time there was a large and in charge boy called Parker Smeb. He was on the way to see his half-brother Steve Craig-smeb, when he decided to take a short cut through Grizedale Forest.

It wasn't long before Parker got lost. He looked around, but all he could see were trees. Nervously, he felt into his bag for his favourite toy, Dolly, but Dolly was nowhere to be found! Parker began to panic. He felt sure he had packed Dolly. To make matters worse, he was starting to feel hungry.

Unexpectedly, he saw an awful fox dressed in a green jumper disappearing into the trees.

"How odd!" thought Parker.

For the want of anything better to do, he decided to follow the peculiarly dressed fox. Perhaps it could tell him the way out of the forest.

Eventually, Parker reached a clearing. He found himself surrounded by houses made from different sorts of food. There was a house made from onions, a house made from cakes, a house made from cupcakes and a house made from toffees.

Parker could feel his tummy rumbling. Looking at the houses did nothing to ease his hunger.

"Hello!" he called. "Is anybody there?"

Nobody replied.

Parker looked at the roof on the closest house and wondered if it would be rude to eat somebody else's chimney. Obviously it would be impolite to eat a whole house, but perhaps it would be considered acceptable to nibble the odd fixture or lick the odd fitting, in a time of need.

A cackle broke through the air, giving Parker a fright. A witch jumped into the space in front of the houses. She was carrying a cage. In that cage was Dolly!

"Dolly!" shouted Parker. He turned to the witch. "That's my toy!"

The witch just shrugged.

"Give Dolly back!" cried Parker.

"Not on your nelly!" said the witch.

"At least let Dolly out of that cage!"

Before she could reply, three awful foxes rushed in from a footpath on the other side of the clearing. Parker recognised the one in the green jumper that he'd seen earlier. The witch seemed to recognise him too.

"Hello Big Fox," said the witch.

"Good morning." The fox noticed Dolly. "Who is this?"

"That's Dolly," explained the witch.

"Ooh! Dolly would look lovely in my house. Give it to me!" demanded the fox.

The witch shook her head. "Dolly is staying with me."

"Um... Excuse me..." Parker interrupted. "Dolly lives with me! And not in a cage!"

Big Fox ignored him. "Is there nothing you'll trade?" he asked the witch.

The witch thought for a moment, then said, "I do like to be entertained. I'll release him to anybody who can eat a whole front door."

Big Fox looked at the house made from toffees and said, "No problem, I could eat an entire house made from toffees if I wanted to."

"That's nothing," said the next fox. "I could eat two houses."

"There's no need to show off," said the witch. Just eat one front door and I'll let you have Dolly."

Parker watched, feeling very worried. He didn't want the witch to give Dolly to Big Fox. He didn't think Dolly would like living with an awful fox, away from his house and all his other toys.

The other two foxes watched while Big Fox put on his bib and withdrew a knife and fork from his pocket.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Big Fox. "Just you watch!"

Big Fox pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from cakes. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

And more.

And more.

Eventually, Big Fox started to get bigger - just a little bit bigger at first. But after a few more fork-fulls of cakes, he grew to the size of a large snowball - and he was every bit as round.

"Erm... I don't feel too good," said Big Fox.

Suddenly, he started to roll. He'd grown so round that he could no longer balance!

"Help!" he cried, as he rolled off down a slope into the forest.

Big Fox never finished eating the front door made from cakes and Dolly remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Average Fox stepped up, and approached the house made from cupcakes.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Average Fox. "Just you watch!"

Average Fox pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from cupcakes. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

And more.

And more.

After a while, Average Fox started to look a little queasy. She grew greener...

...and greener.

A woodcutter walked into the clearing. "What's this bush doing here?" he asked.

"I'm not a bush, I'm a fox!" said Average Fox.

"It talks!" exclaimed the woodcutter. "Those talking bushes are the worst kind. I'd better take it away before somebody gets hurt."

"No! Wait!" cried Average Fox, as the woodcutter picked her up. But the woodcutter ignored her cries and carried the fox away under his arm.

Average Fox never finished eating the front door made from cupcakes and Dolly remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Little Fox stepped up, and approached the house made from toffees.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Little Fox. "Just you watch!"

Little Fox pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from toffees. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

And more.

And more.

After five or six platefuls, Little Fox started to fidget uncomfortably on the spot.

He stopped eating toffees for a moment, then grabbed another forkful.

But before he could eat it, there came an almighty roar. A bottom burp louder than a rocket taking off, propelled Little Fox into the sky.

"Aggghhhhhh!" cried Little Fox. "I'm scared of heigh..."

Little Fox was never seen again.

Little Fox never finished eating the front door made from toffees and Dolly remained trapped in the witch's cage.

"That's it," said the witch. "I win. I get to keep Dolly."

"Not so fast," said Parker. "There is still one front door to go. The front door of the house made from onions. And I haven't had a turn yet.

"I don't have to give you a turn!" laughed the witch. "My game. My rules."

The woodcutter's voice carried through the forest. "I think you should give him a chance. It's only fair."

"Fine," said the witch. "But you saw what happened to the foxes. He won't last long."

"I'll be right back," said Parker.

"What?" said the witch. "Where's your sense of impatience? I thought you wanted Dolly back."

Parker ignored the witch and gathered a hefty pile of sticks. He came back to the clearing and started a small camp fire. Carefully, he broke off a piece of the door of the house made from onions and toasted it over the fire. Once it had cooked and cooled just a little, he took a bite. He quickly devoured the whole piece.

Parker sat down on a nearby log.

"You fail!" cackled the witch. "You were supposed to eat the whole door."

"I haven't finished," explained Parker. "I am just waiting for my food to go down."

When Parker's food had digested, he broke off another piece of the door made from onions. Once more, he toasted his food over the fire and waited for it to cool just a little. He ate it at a leisurely pace then waited for it to digest.

Eventually, after several sittings, Parker was down to the final piece of the door made from onions. Carefully, he toasted it and allowed it to cool just a little. He finished his final course. Parker had eaten the entire front door of the house made from onions.

The witch stamped her foot angrily. "You must have tricked me!" she said. "I don't reward cheating!"

"I don't think so!" said a voice. It was the woodcutter. He walked back into the clearing, carrying his axe. "This little boy won fair and square. Now hand over Dolly or I will chop your broomstick in half."

The witch looked horrified. She grabbed her broomstick and placed it behind her. Then, huffing, she opened the door of the cage.

Parker hurried over and grabbed Dolly, checking that his favourite toy was all right. Fortunately, Dolly was unharmed.

Parker thanked the woodcutter, grabbed a quick souvenir, and hurried on to meet Steve. It was starting to get dark.

When Parker got to Steve's house, his half-brother threw his arms around him.

"I was so worried!" cried Steve. "You are very late."

As Parker described his day, he could tell that Steve didn't believe him. So he grabbed a napkin from his pocket.

"What's that?" asked Steve.

Parker unwrapped a doorknob made from cakes. "Pudding!" he said.

Steve almost fell off his chair.

The End

And a movie script i wrote

INT. SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA - AFTERNOON

Gracious hockey player LORD KIT SMEB is arguing with thoughtful hairdresser SIR DANIEL SMEB. KIT tries to hug DANIEL but he shakes him off.

KIT
Please Daniel, don't leave me.
DANIEL
I'm sorry Kit, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
KIT
I am such a person!
DANIEL frowns.

DANIEL
I'm sorry, Kit. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
DANIEL leaves.

KIT sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, intuitive police officer MR CHICO SMEB barges in looking flustered.

KIT
Goodness, Chico! Is everything okay?
CHICO
I'm afraid not.
KIT
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
CHICO
It's ... a goblin ... I saw an evil goblin kill a bunch of kittens!
KIT
Defenseless kittens?
CHICO
Yes, defenseless kittens!
KIT
Bloomin' heck, Chico! We've got to do something.
CHICO
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
KIT
You can start by telling me where this happened.
CHICO
I was...
CHICO fans himself and begins to wheeze.

KIT
Focus Chico, focus! Where did it happen?
CHICO
Detroit, Michigan! That's right - Detroit, Michigan!
KIT springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

KIT rushes along the street, followed by CHICO. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. DETROIT, MICHIGAN - SHORTLY AFTER

PARKER SMEB a cowardly goblin terrorises two kittens.

KIT, closely followed by CHICO, rushes towards PARKER, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

CHICO
What is is? What's the matter?
KIT
That's not just any old goblin, that's Parker Smeb!
CHICO
Who's Parker Smeb?
KIT
Who's Parker Smeb? Who's Parker Smeb? Only the most cowardly goblin in the universe!
CHICO
Blinkin' knickers, Kit! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cowardly goblin in the universe!
KIT
You can say that again.
CHICO
Blinkin' knickers, Kit! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cowardly goblin in the universe!
KIT
I'm going to need swords, lots of swords.
Parker turns and sees Kit and Chico. He grins an evil grin.

PARKER
Kit Smeb, we meet again.
CHICO
You've met?
KIT
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young KIT is sitting in a park listening to some indie music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees PARKER. He takes off his headphones.

PARKER
Would you like some chocolate?
KIT's eyes light up, but then he studies PARKER more closely, and looks uneasy.

KIT
I don't know, you look kind of cowardly.
PARKER
Me? No. I'm not cowardly. I'm the least cowardly goblin in the world.
KIT
Wait, you're a goblin?
KIT runs away, screaming.

EXT. DETROIT, MICHIGAN - PRESENT DAY

PARKER
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
CHICO
(To KIT) You ran away?
KIT
(To CHICO) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
KIT turns to PARKER.

KIT
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
KIT runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

KIT
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with swords.
PARKER
I'm not scared of you.
KIT
You should be.

INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - LATER THAT DAY

KIT and CHICO walk around searching for something.

KIT
I feel sure I left my swords somewhere around here.
CHICO
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly swords.
KIT
You know nothing Chico Smeb.
CHICO
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, PARKER appears, holding a pair of swords.

PARKER
Looking for something?
CHICO
Crikey, Kit, he's got your swords.
KIT
Tell me something I don't already know!
CHICO
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
KIT
I know that already!
CHICO
I still wear nappies.
PARKER
(appalled) Dude!
While PARKER is looking at CHICO with disgust, KIT lunges forward and grabs his deadly swords. He wields them, triumphantly.

KIT
Prepare to die, you cowardly parsnip!
PARKER
No please! All I did was kill a bunch of kittens!
DANIEL enters, unseen by any of the others.

KIT
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Kit Smeb defender of innocent kittens.
PARKER
Don't hurt me! Please!
KIT
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these swords on you right away!
PARKER
Because Kit, I am your father.
KIT looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

KIT
No you're not!
PARKER
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
PARKER tries to grab the swords but KIT dodges out of the way.

KIT
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, PARKER slumps to the ground.

CHICO
Did he just faint?
KIT
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly swords.
KIT crouches over PARKER's body.

CHICO
Be careful, Kit. It could be a trick.
KIT
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Parker Smeb is dead!
KIT
What?
KIT
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
CHICO claps his hands.

CHICO
So your swords did save the day, after all.
DANIEL steps forward.

DANIEL
Is it true? Did you kill the cowardly goblin?
KIT
Daniel how long have you been...?
DANIEL puts his arm around KIT.

DANIEL
Long enough.
KIT
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Parker Smeb.
DANIEL
Then the kittens are safe?
KIT
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.

DANIEL
You are their hero.
The kittens bow to KIT.

KIT
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Parker Smeb will never kill kittens ever again, is enough for me.
DANIEL
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the kittens passes KIT a wooden necklace

DANIEL
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
KIT
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

KIT
Well, if you insist.
KIT takes the necklace.

KIT
Thank you.
The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.

KIT turns to DANIEL.

KIT
Does this mean you want me back?
DANIEL
Oh, Kit, of course I want you back!
KIT smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

KIT
Well you can't have me.
DANIEL
WHAT?
KIT
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a goblin to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
DANIEL
But...
KIT
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Chico.
CHICO grins.

DANIEL
But...
CHICO
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
DANIEL
Kit?
KIT
I'm sorry Daniel, but I think you should skidaddle.
DANIEL leaves.

CHICO turns to KIT.

CHICO
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
KIT
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly CHICO stops.

CHICO
When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the goblin don't you?
THE END

"I'm going to need wobbly coins, big, wobbly coins."

The night of the holiday changes everything for Kit Smeb, a 18-year-old shopkeeper from Moscow.

One moment, he is discussing flamingos with his noble friend, Big Gorlab Reformed; the next, watching with horror as proud aliens attack each other.

He knows these aliens came from Dallas but he can't prove it - at least not without some wobbly coins.

The hilarious, incredible man knows that his cosy life is over. He acquires some wobbly coins and is reborn as the hero who will save the world from proud aliens.

However, when one of the proud aliens bites off Kit's eyelashes with crippling effect, it looks like his quest is over.

Without eyelashes, will Kit Smeb be able to save the day?

Whilst investigating the death of a local author, a brave actor called Parker Smeb uncovers a legend about a supernaturally-cursed, ribbed newspaper circulating throughout Devon. As soon as anyone uses the newspaper, he or she has exactly 20 days left to live.

The doomed few appear to be ordinary people during day to day life, but when photographed, they look distorted. A marked person feels like a windy aardvark to touch.

Parker gets hold of the newspaper, refusing to believe the superstition. A collage of images flash into his mind: a sticky lizard balancing on a scrawny author, an old newspaper headline about an apocalyptic accident, a hooded monkey ranting about ankles and a drinking well located in a dull place.

When Parker notices his lips have aardvark-like properties, he realises that the curse of the ribbed newspaper is true and calls in his lover, a doctor called Daniel Smeb, to help.

Daniel examines the newspaper and willingly submits himself to the curse. He finds that the same visions flash before his eyes. He finds the sticky lizard balancing on a scrawny author particularly chilling. He joins the queue for a supernatural death.

Parker and Daniel pursue a quest to uncover the meaning of the visions, starting with a search for the hooded monkey. Will they be able to stop the curse before their time is up?

Another song:

We're all going to a summer holiday
No more skipping for a week or two
Scrummy pants and little drums at our summer holiday
No more stupid sausages for me or you
For a week or two

Summertime, and the livin' is scrummy
Pants are flying and the drums are high
Oh, your father-in-law's bumpy and your girlfriend is sharp
So hush my greasy lovie, don't you cry

Oh the summer of 1867

I can't wait to do some flying with you
You can't wait to do some flying with me
This just can't be summer love, you'll see
This just can't be summer love

'Cause you were mine for the summer
Now we know it's nearly over
Feels like July sun
But I always will remember
You were my summer love
You always will be my summer love

I wish they all could be ...
I wish they all could be ...
I wish they all could be pants of Glasgow

Summertime, and the livin' is scrummy
Pants are flying and the drums are high
Oh, your father-in-law's bumpy and your girlfriend is sharp
So hush greasy lovie, don't you cry

Me and some sausages from Wales
Had a band and we tried real hard.
Kit quit, Parker went sailing
I should've known we'd never end up kicking

Oh the summer of 1867

Summer flying had me a blast, oh yeah
Summer flying happened so fast,

Summer holiday drifting away,
To, uh oh, that summer holiday

Yeah the summer of 1867

A long, long time ago in a contented, contented galaxy...

After leaving the tattered planet Kubasulu, a group of goblins fly toward a distant speck. The speck gradually resolves into a deprived, space hall.

Civil war strikes the galaxy, which is ruled by kimmy , a pointy fairy capable of lust and even man slaughter.

Terrified, an icy giant known as Parker Smeb flees the Empire, with his protector, Steve Craig-smeb.

They head for Athens on the planet Epsilon Eridani. When they finally arrive, a fight breaks out. Craig-smeb uses his contented paperweight to defend Parker.

Craig-smeb and Giant Parker decide it's time to leave Epsilon Eridani and steal a boat to shoot their way out.

They encounter a tribe of aliens. Craig-smeb is attacked and the giant is captured by the aliens and taken back to Athens.

Craig-smeb must fight to save Giant Parker but when he accidentally unearths a fragile piano, the entire future of the contented, tattered galaxy is at stake.

Chico Smeb suspected something was a little off when her fragile bro tried to shoot her when she was just six years old. Nevertheless, she lived a relatively normal life among other humans.

It wasn't until she bumped into the devilishly understanding angel, Parker Smeb, that her life finally began to make sense.

However, Parker proved to be energetic and seemed to have an unhealthy obsession with boating. Chico soon learnt that Parker had taken an oath never to nuzzle a human being.

When Chico's fragile bro is injured in an unfortunate accident, Chico realises her own life is at risk.

Despite Parker's inherent evilness and pointy hat, Chico finds herself falling for the angel. Only fate will decided whether he kills or protects her.

One night, a demon appears before Chico and warns her of a darkness within Parker. The demon gives Chico the peculiar spoon - the only weapon that can defeat a understanding angel.

Will Chico find it in herself to kill the only creature who has ever made her feel truly scared? (Hint: yes!)

kit · 01-08-2019, 02:13 AM

@FlappyGiraffe

FlappyGiraffe · 01-08-2019, 02:30 AM

Absolutely worth the wait, great read

kit · 01-08-2019, 05:02 PM

added some more short stories, tell me what you think!

FlappyGiraffe · 01-08-2019, 06:30 PM

Loved the one about the summer of 1867, lots of nostalgia about the formation of Canada

Navigation

Extra Menu

About us