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sharksisback · 02-04-2019, 03:32 PM

I was recently informed by the Nova Scotia Province Athletic Commission that my Halifax Raiders were in fact eliminated by the Falcons. I don’t know which one of those four-eyed, pencil-necked geeks decided that, but you’ll be hearing from my lawyers. It is an absolute disgrace that a series can be decided without taking into account the rules. Why even have rules if you’re just going to disregard them at the last second because it could affect the championship that the man wants. We all know that the league executives are rooting for the Falcons to go win the title, because they are scared of the small market success story coming true. Lethbridge, Kelowna, I’m sorry to say but I think we’re gonna be getting screwed here for a long time.

Anyways, beyond the absolute corruption shown by the SMJHL’s top brass, it’s time to start thinking about the draft. First of all, I’d like to say thanks for picking me to be on Team North America. I haven’t actually been contacted by anyone informing me of my place on the roster, but I read it in the media so it must be true. And I am a fan of Duffy, but my boy Matt Kholin got absolutely snubbed. I thought I told you guys that pissing off Matt is a bad idea and people are going to get hurt because of it. Also shoutout to Halifax PD for dropping those BS charges against him. #MattDidNothingWrong.

I’d like to confirm a few rumors I’ve seen swirling around in my Twitter feed that I may or may not be making up as I go along. I have been contacted by multiple SHL franchises. So to those of you telling me that my dream of being drafted might come true, eat a penis. It will come true. And based on where I’m being contacted from, I’m gonna have a whole lot of fun when I arrive. To the Mel Kiper Jr’s of the world, you better have me high on your mock drafts because I am the highest profile prospect this world has seen. Wayne Gretzky didn’t grab as many headlines as me until he won titles. I take those headlines and make it a disappointment when a headline shows up without my name in it.

But the draft is a little far away to focus on right now. I’ve gotta focus on having my best showing against these boys in the draft showcase. Unfortunately, I’ll be playing against two of my brothers in arms, Jimmy Slothface and Perry Morgan. This may be the most bittersweet game of my career, as this will be the first of many matchups I have with at least one of these guys. Unless some team out there pulls off the draft of a lifetime and gets all three of us. Is it tampering if I’m just floating an idea? Well with the blatant corruption in the Detroit series, I wouldn’t doubt that a significant fine is coming my way.

But Perry, I know just how to get at you. I know how to beat you and Jimmy. See, you guys should know by now that I half-ass it in practice and therefore you have never faced a 100% motivated Troy Reynolds. You’ve never played against me when I’ve had that look in my eye. You guys better be ready, because if you’re not, I’m gonna have to beat you into a living death. Figuratively, of course. I would never harm you guys actually, it’d make me do that weird thing where I have something resembling remorse. It makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like feelings.

For now, I will take my time to reside back home in Manitowoc. Sophia kicked me out of the house after we lost to Detroit. I’m not sure if it’s because we “lost” to Detroit, or if it’s because I cheated on her with about a dozen hookers during the playoffs. Either way, it’s not looking so good for your boy Troy Reynolds in the relationship department. In other words, I am in fact very available and ready to mingle at a moment’s notice. So if Mrs. Smeb is out there somewhere, don’t call because your baby cannon was soiled the moment you gave birth to Kit.

On an unrelated note, did anyone else catch that snooze fest of a Super Bowl? First of all, fuck the Patriots. Second of all, Jared Goff sucked. Third, Maroon 5 is awful and while your opinion of them can’t be wrong, if you think they’re good, you are in fact very wrong. I have never enjoyed a Maroon 5 song in my life. You may think that’s hyperbole, but even Nickelback has one fucking song that I can say “yeah I won’t turn it off immediately”. It’s How You Remind Me and it’s a fuuuuucking bop. In my opinion, they should’ve just had some real music played at halftime. Like bring out Queen, Freddie Mercury would kill it out there. Get a hold of Nirvana, they’ve been itching for a comeback tour. Or even Tupac. I know, that one isn’t very realistic because inevitably he’d sing Hit Em Up and it’s not a very PG song, but I think it’s worth the risk.

It has also come to my attention that World Juniors are coming up. Now, I’m not gonna mince words here. I’ve heard a lot of concern about playing time for rookies like me on Team USA. And I’m just gonna say it. If you don’t play me in the World Juniors, you are costing us gold. When the time comes in a crucial moment in a tournament, I’m the guy you want on the ice. It would be a crime for you to deny me my chance to bring gold home to the states. And let’s be honest with ourselves. With the amount of talent on Team USA, we should be winning constantly. And why aren’t we? Because we don’t put in hungry rookies who want nothing more than to make a name for themselves. I’m an advocate for all the other American rookies out there who need playing time that I conveniently cannot name because I want their time too.

Finally, I’d like to announce that there is a non-zero percent chance that I enter the podcast game. I’d like to also apologize in advance for whatever happens on my podcast. To prove that I hold no ill will towards the people of Montreal and Nik Evans, I would like to extend an invitation to Nikolai Evans to appear on the first edition of my podcast. Just to clear up any confusion, yes you must be invited. And yes, Raiders, you’re already invited. Detroit is not because they’re fake winners with fake series. It’ll be a cold day in hell before I allow Kit Smeb within earshot of me. Also this may not happen at all and I might just be trying to give you all collective blue balls.

I hope you all have a wonderful rest of the playoffs. I’ll be watching with glass stuck in my hand from the bottle I squeezed too hard when I saw Detroit playing on TV today.

Troy Reynolds
Raiders Right Winger
Literally Joe Rogan

***luke*** · 02-04-2019, 03:40 PM

I love these btw

GCool · 02-04-2019, 03:44 PM

02-04-2019, 03:32 PMsharksisback Wrote: On an unrelated note, did anyone else catch that snooze fest of a Super Bowl? First of all, fuck the Patriots. Second of all, Jared Goff sucked. Third, Maroon 5 is awful and while your opinion of them can’t be wrong, if you think they’re good, you are in fact very wrong. I have never enjoyed a Maroon 5 song in my life. You may think that’s hyperbole, but even Nickelback has one fucking song that I can say “yeah I won’t turn it off immediately”. It’s How You Remind Me and it’s a fuuuuucking bop. In my opinion, they should’ve just had some real music played at halftime. Like bring out Queen, Freddie Mercury would kill it out there. Get a hold of Nirvana, they’ve been itching for a comeback tour. Or even Tupac. I know, that one isn’t very realistic because inevitably he’d sing Hit Em Up and it’s not a very PG song, but I think it’s worth the risk.

And in one paragraph, you became more Schaub than Rogan for me

sharksisback · 02-04-2019, 04:57 PM

02-04-2019, 03:44 PMGCool Wrote:
02-04-2019, 03:32 PMsharksisback Wrote: On an unrelated note, did anyone else catch that snooze fest of a Super Bowl? First of all, fuck the Patriots. Second of all, Jared Goff sucked. Third, Maroon 5 is awful and while your opinion of them can’t be wrong, if you think they’re good, you are in fact very wrong. I have never enjoyed a Maroon 5 song in my life. You may think that’s hyperbole, but even Nickelback has one fucking song that I can say “yeah I won’t turn it off immediately”. It’s How You Remind Me and it’s a fuuuuucking bop. In my opinion, they should’ve just had some real music played at halftime. Like bring out Queen, Freddie Mercury would kill it out there. Get a hold of Nirvana, they’ve been itching for a comeback tour. Or even Tupac. I know, that one isn’t very realistic because inevitably he’d sing Hit Em Up and it’s not a very PG song, but I think it’s worth the risk.

And in one paragraph, you became more Schaub than Rogan for me

oh fer shurrrr b

***micool132*** · 02-04-2019, 05:04 PM

How could my eyes be closed all this time. Of course the man wants big markets in finals. Thank you for everything.

*slothfacekilla* · 02-04-2019, 05:12 PM

02-04-2019, 03:32 PMsharksisback Wrote: But Perry, I know just how to get at you. I know how to beat you and Jimmy. See, you guys should know by now that I half-ass it in practice and therefore you have never faced a 100% motivated Troy Reynolds. You’ve never played against me when I’ve had that look in my eye. You guys better be ready, because if you’re not, I’m gonna have to beat you into a living death

How bout u go an fuck off my page then u peice of shit u think i need a stupid fuckwitt like u telling me about trying 100% in practice who the fuck are u take your worthless advice and get the fuck out of here