Breaking News: NASA finds traces of black hole on Earth
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nubbedindaribs
Registered Member
622 words, x2 for first article pls
Breaking News: NASA finds traces of black hole on Earth By: Neil Degrasse Tyson Chicken Nuggets VANCOUVER, Canada — Scientists are absolutely baffled about the emergence of a tiny gravitational singularity coming from a Junior Hockey arena in Vancouver. After dispatching a team of investigators and setting up extremely fine instruments to track and pinpoint the exact location of the black hole it was finally revealed: the black hole is actually a player for the Vancouver Whalers. Bobby Bobcalf. I'm told by my contacts at NASA that this is not any ordinary black hole. This is an extremely rare black hole called a "Corsi Black Hole". In layman's terms, this means that no matter where Bobby Bobcalf is on the ice, he makes his teammates perform much worse. I went down to the Vancouver Whaler's rink to find out more by asking Bobby's teammates some questions. "Oh yeah one time Bobby was struggling to get back to the bench, uh probably because his dad didn't tie his skates tight enough. Ankles bending like the set of My 600lb Life" Theo Morgan, Bobby's teammate explained. "Anyway, as soon as my skates touched the ice while he was on it, it was like my brain decided to shut off. I forgot how to stick handle, or skate backwards. I felt like I was skating in pudding." I approached another one of Bobby's teammates, Jax Duggan, about this phenomenon. He responded "Yeah you know we gotta simplify our game. That's a good team out there but we just gotta get pucks deep you know?" I reminded him that this was not a post game presser, and that there wasn't even a game today. He nodded and continued "Oh yeah we gotta get 4 lines banging and gotta cycle the puck deep. Cycle the puck and put it on net. Can't get too fancy ya know?" Dale Miller had an idea about the origins of this possibly supernatural occurrence: "Bobby? Oh yeah he mentioned something about sacrificing a virgin or something like that before the preseason. I thought it meant something else completely. Like, very something else. That kid is wild. I guess it didn't help him very much though." It seems everyone is very aware of the Bobby Effect in this locker room. Fellow rookie Jon Forty-One was seen handing out ear plugs to everyone coming into the locker room for their safety. Towards the end of our day we caught the Whaler's Co-GM Arnost Holub coming out of the bathroom wiping his nose extremely aggressively. He commented on the situation: "Nice Guy. Tries Hard. Loves The Game." I tried to get him to elaborate more but he immediately headed back into the bathroom when he realized he was missing something important after padding his pockets. Bobby was not available for comment, his agent said that he was tied up with an exorcism all afternoon.
luke
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C9Van
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Great write up pal.
Also you guys better use the ear plugs!
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