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SecondSucks22 · 06-06-2019, 04:00 AM

Anaheim Outlaws: Outlaws

I cant really badmouth the Outlaws too much, seeing as how they just won the 4 star. I can however badmouth their players, or I could, if they were bad. McCloud, one of their Assistant Captains is a great guy, and same with Corey Kennedy. Kennedy was part of a great rookie class and was one of the best 1,2,3 drafts in a long time. That said their goalie Tibuk Soonika is a traitor, and Lallo Selman despite being the CoGM for team canada, almost had to bench himself for being bad in the World Juniors. Do with this information what you will.

Anchorage Armada: Armada

First and foremost their GM’s are Assclap and Artemis, meaning the AA are managed by A and A, its dumb but I like it. They have a decent team including the best EVO, Ekko Van Otter, a literal otter, Gabriel Johnson, and Peter Larson, one of the better goalies in the league. The most impressive player however is Tony Ford. He has lack luster stats, and cant even chirp well, so you may be wondering why he is so impressive. The answer, dear reader, is because he can somehow skate with his ears permanently attached to his colon. While I know you may be wondering how that is possible, but i choose to believe he had that done on purpose. It would also be the only way to explain his play style, or lack there of.

Colorado Raptors: Raptors

Im legally not allowed to badmouth Colorado or one of their players, it goes against a strickt animal abuse policy. Colorado is that team that will do the bare minimum all season, maybe win 3 games, then at the end of the year, finally get their shit together JUST long enough to kick Halifax out of the playoffs. Colorado is known around the league as the meme team, and how could they not, they drafted a literal cow on skates. Im not even saying that to be mean, Julio is literally a cow, udders and all. Their highest plus/minus rating last season, after 50 games, was a 1, held by a player who played 41 minutes all season. Their lowest rating was a -30, -25 back of the god damn cow, how embarrassing is that?

Detroit Falcons: Falcons

Ahh Detroit, home of the traitor SixNine, the most inactive first round picks, and perenial underdog Espen Knutsen Jr. The best thing Detroit has done in the past couple of years is claim their General Manager is actually the father of a rival team’s player, a claim which hasnt been fully disputed. They didnt do awful last season, they also didnt win the cup, so it was all for naught. Personally Ill be interested in how “middle of the pack” they can finish next season.

Halifax Raiders: raiders

You know when the meme team isnt the laughing stock of the league, youve messed up somewhere. Halifax is currently trying to beat Colorado in a series devoted to finding out which team is actually the worst in the league, and honestly its closer than it should be. Vancouvers motto through their rebuild was “Atleast we aren’t Halifax” and that testimate helped several of their players shine through the darkness. Halifax isnt all bad, Jimmy Slothface was a great player, maybe not stats wise, but personality based, during his time there. Dom Montgomery and Matt Kholin are also great guys. One of the best things about possibly being drafted to Halifax is you wont have to worry about Troy Reynolds (son of Detroit GM Tig Murphy allegedly) coming after you, well, unless hes drunk, and you did something to annoy him, then he might come after you with a broken bottle or a skate blade, tukka rask style.

Kelowna Knights: Knights

First and foremost, fuck Kelowna. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, Kelowna isnt all that bad. They are the main rival of Vancouver, so if you get drafted there, sorry, but fuck you. Other than that though they are also the team that usually does special events with Vancouver, so its not all bad. They are the team Gunnar Soderberg is on, and that kid makes everything better, so its completely possible that after he leaves, Kelowna will go back to being garbage, but who knows, Gunnar was part of that 1,2,3 pairing i spoke about with Corey Kennedy.

Lethbridge Lions: Lions

Im not going to lie to you, I have no idea where Lethbridge is, and I almost forgot that the Lions (super creative name by the way) were a team. They are continuously “meh” not awful like detroit, halifax, or colorado (in that order) but not top shit like Vancouver, Montreal, and St. Louis (also in that order). They are the defenition of mediocre, which is not a bad thing, Anaheim finished below them in standings and won the boat, so keep doing you i guess? I do have to give a special shout out to Brouvka Bananananananananak, aka Banana Hammock, you keep that mediocre up.

Montreal Militia: Militia

Montreal is the one team I really don’t know what to talk about, they are super quiet, like all the time, in every aspect of the word. The only player i ever actually see interacting is Marc Hagan, and thats because he has to, otherwise they really are dicks for not giving me anything to type about. For a team based in montreal they need more alcohol and more rowdy behaviour. Step up fuckers.

St Louis Scarecrows:

Fuck these guys, I hope they get hit with callups unlike we have ever seen. They dont need any more championships. The Scarecrows are like the Penguins, Kings, or Blackhawks, yea we get it, you do stuff well sometimes, now go suck like the rest of us for a while please? That said their time may soon be upon us, and if you get drafted to the Crows, have fun with the rebuild. One other thing that bugs me about these guys is they dont seem to have beef with the Detroit Shitbirds. Your entire team is based around something thats MADE to scare/piss off birds, they should be enemy number 1 and we never see any shit. Take what Halifax has and keep it for yourself, become the Falcons mortal enemy and use it going forward, who knows maybe itll give whoevers left next season something to look forward to.

Vancouver Whalers: Whalers

Now I know what some people may be thinking “This guy is a captain on the Whalers, no way in hell he’ll talk shit about them.” And you may be right, after all Vancouver has one of the most active locker rooms in the J, and they have had players picked first overall in the SHL draft 2 seasons in a row, that sounds awesome right? It is, but im still going to go after people. First and foremost they have a drug addicted GM, and i dont mean the fun drugs kids. Secondly half of their alumni have offices in the building that get used for god knows what reasons, said offices also get broken into and vandalized alot, I plead the fifth. Borromini Cannellini is more often on his boat or something rather than socializing with his team, which is fine cause fuck me dead the man can play hockey. BC is only offset by Petr “the Anchor” Mikulak and Bernik “roadkill” Vrzala. Petr had a great season 2 seasons ago leaching off of Cannellini’s success. Bernik, thank god, scored his first goal this season, right before he got called up to the big boi teams. Gray, i cant shit talk, hes good, he keeps his head down, and does good work. Sami Reider was great year one, we let him get too comfortable now we cant let him near impressionable youth. Theo Morgan has actually stepped up, some say it is because of the sheer dissapointment of getting cut from Team Canada in he last WJC. Morgans half brother Kaspars Claude is everything we wanted out of Morgan, and ALSO the second whaler in a row to get drafted first overall, the season after Jax Duggan went 1oa. Duggan seems to have fucking plateaued lately, hes not leading the team in penalties anymore but thats literally the only positive improvement. Jon Snow, i mean Fourty-one, hot head, there i said it, got drafted higher than Petr but the chip on his shoulder is the worlds spiciest chip, you know the one you see all over youtube and shit. I really dont think i should have to comment on Stevens… so long and thanks for all the fish you traitorous tampering… no no im better than that. As far as I am concerned the best person on that team is Dale “Duck Moose” Miller, because, and this is the main reason, he willingly goes by Duck Moose. I will say that Vancouver’s april fools relocation was pretty fucking great though, so theres that.

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1,500 words 2x SMJHL Draft media bonus

~~PenKnight~~ · 06-06-2019, 05:03 AM

Montreal is the one team I really don’t know what to talk about, they are super quiet, like all the time, in every aspect of the word. The only player i ever actually see interacting is Marc Hagan, and thats because he has to, otherwise they really are dicks for not giving me anything to type about. For a team based in montreal they need more alcohol and more rowdy behaviour. Step up fuckers.

-------------------------------------

LOL... we got a good group.
We do the work and are all business on the ice.
I guess it isn't for everyone.
Seems to work for us.
I love the team actually!
Go Militia!!

Fordyford · 06-06-2019, 05:08 AM

06-06-2019, 04:00 AMSecondSucks22 Wrote: The most impressive player however is Tony Ford. He has lack luster stats, and cant even chirp well, so you may be wondering why he is so impressive. The answer, dear reader, is because he can somehow skate with his ears permanently attached to his colon. While I know you may be wondering how that is possible, but i choose to believe he had that done on purpose. It would also be the only way to explain his play style, or lack there of.

Firstly, it's thereof, no space... Also, ask your mother about my playstyle

SecondSucks22 · 06-06-2019, 05:10 AM

06-06-2019, 05:08 AMFordyford Wrote:
06-06-2019, 04:00 AMSecondSucks22 Wrote: The most impressive player however is Tony Ford. He has lack luster stats, and cant even chirp well, so you may be wondering why he is so impressive. The answer, dear reader, is because he can somehow skate with his ears permanently attached to his colon. While I know you may be wondering how that is possible, but i choose to believe he had that done on purpose. It would also be the only way to explain his play style, or lack there of.

Firstly, it's thereof, no space... Also, ask your mother about my playstyle

Listen anything you do with my mother is on you, braver man than most

Fordyford · 06-06-2019, 06:45 AM

06-06-2019, 05:10 AMSecondSucks22 Wrote:
06-06-2019, 05:08 AMFordyford Wrote: Firstly, it's thereof, no space... Also, ask your mother about my playstyle

Listen anything you do with my mother is on you, braver man than most

Oh hey I spotted another spelling mistake it’s lacklustre

~~PenKnight~~ · 06-06-2019, 07:50 AM

Segi · 06-06-2019, 07:52 AM

The Scarecrows never rebuild. They're just always good.

*Zoone16* · 06-06-2019, 09:44 AM

Fuck the Whalers

**esilverm** · 06-06-2019, 09:48 AM

The St Louis-Detroit rivalry has been going on for a while now. Idk what you mean about it needing to happen since it is already going on.

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Special thanks to Blitz, jhockey, Ragnarr, and sulo for the gorgeous sigs <3

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SlashACM · 06-06-2019, 10:08 AM

vAnCoUvEr Is ThE mOsT aCtIvE lOcKeR rOoM iN tHe SmJhL

-Someone who hasn't been in every locker room in the smjhl

*sköldpaddor* · 06-06-2019, 10:41 AM

fuck u too Jax love u buddy

***Citizen of Adraa*** · 06-06-2019, 12:02 PM

Vancouver, more like Wankouver amirite?

SecondSucks22 · 06-06-2019, 03:13 PM

06-06-2019, 10:41 AMsköldpaddor Wrote: fuck u too Jax love u buddy

WHOA your like one of the only people I was nice to in this

SecondSucks22 · 06-06-2019, 03:14 PM

06-06-2019, 09:48 AMesilverm Wrote: The St Louis-Detroit rivalry has been going on for a while now. Idk what you mean about it needing to happen since it is already going on.

Wouldn't be able to tell like at all

Mayuu · 06-06-2019, 03:29 PM

Eat this skree dick

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