06-28-2019, 11:06 AM(This post was last modified: 06-28-2019, 12:49 PM by PenKnight.)
(1980 Word Count)
In this issue of National Wildlife, we are going to break down the animal known as the Sloth. Sloths are Arboreal Mammals that are noted for their slowness of movement and for spending most of their lives hanging around in trees! You will find them in the Tropical Rainforests of South and Central America. They have six species but who wants to hear about all that nonsense? If you did not know what the word Arboreal meant, we can tell you it means trees or animals that live in trees, for the most part, of the definition. As far as the word Mammal, we here at National Wildlife,would think you understand that word... since you are one!! Enough about this lesson on Sloths and definitions of words! This story is about Jimmy Slothface! You know, the Killa!!
Nobody knows where this star hockey player came from. Some stories say that he was found in the jungles in some foreign land being raised by... well, you guessed it, Sloths! Other stories are told of an opposite nature. It seems that he got the taste for killing Sloths at an early age and liked to kill the face in one way or another. Who knows and who cares because the legend only grows stronger if we do not know for sure!? I mean do you really want to hear about some kid playing hockey from some Midwest Farm Town in the middle of nowhere? How he was raised by some middle class family in Wisconsin or North Dakota or some other bum f--- place. How he dominated his Pee Wee Hockey, Junior High, High School and Collegiate Teams? After all that he went to the minors for a brief stint bouncing around from team to team till he finally landed in the Holy of Holies which is known as the SHL! Right... I didn't think you wanted to hear that story so yeah he was raised by Sloths in the Wild... ok!?
Enough of all that Jazz! Let us dive into @slothfacekilla the man, the myth, the hockey player... the legend?? Yeah that's right, he is all four and then some! Not only this but it is ironic that a player or agent with the name Killa or Killer would be so damn nice. I can't tell you how nice this kid is! All the time, it almost makes me want to puke how nice he is! I mean I watch him in his SHL games from the stands and since I am part of the Specters organization I have seats close enough that I can not only see the action but hear it! I had that stipulated in my contract. I wanted 6 seats but got 7 and that kinda screwed everything up for my friends and family but screw those bastards! Anyways, enough about me. This article is about Jimmy! So what I was saying is this kid is so nice that he will check some guy into the boards or knock him down to the ice and actually apologize. When they have a break in the action he will actually lend a hand and help the guy up!? It just isn't something you see in the hockey world. Yes if it was football you might occasionally see the opposing player help someone up but never in hockey. The point is Jimmy will knock you out and smile and apologize after doing it. I can't explain it but you just can't hate the guy. He has all that damn charm and charisma that the ladies go goo goo over and the fellas respect. A genuine Man's Man and a Lady Killer! A lethal combination. Come to think of it, I am starting to understand the name of Slothfacekilla a little better now.
So now that you know about the Man and the Legend and even some of the Myth, let's take a look at his hockey career from the SMJHL and SHL. I know he is only an SHL Rookie at the moment and a damn fine one putting up serious statistics but it just feels like he has been on the ice much longer! You ever had that feeling that you knew a guy for years but just met him? Well that's Jimmy! So back to his stats. I don't know the exact story and I don't really want to look it up but I heard he played for 3 SMJHL teams. That fine point doesn't matter. He is in the SHL and he is here to stay. We can look up some of his stats though.
First off, let us start with some of the small potatoes. He joined right before the 2019 New Year so he has been around for 7 to 8 months now. He has plenty of dough in the bank just under Twenty Million Dollars. Those are SHL Dollars and not to be confused with United States Dollar. This son of bitch, not only won a recent Bronze Medal, in the Juniors but he also won the IIHF Gold, breaking the Luck of the Irish... finally! Damn those Leprechauns and their Lucky Charms, hoarding all that Gold at the end of the Rainbow. I always thought that Skittles would be found at that end but as luck would have it, it is just IIHF Gold Medals! I guess if you want Skittles you have to find the nearest Giraffe!
Anyways, back to the Killa, known as Jimmy Slothface! Mother F'er has 65 pages of posts! Alright let's just look up his past seasons through the indexes! First let us get back to the core basics. He plays Right Wing but don't tell that to him because it seems he can handle the Left side or Center. I wouldn't put it past him if he could play Defense or Goaltender the talented prick that he is! He wears the Sweater Number or Jersey Number, for all you Americans... Sixty One. He weighs in at exactly 200 pounds and is listed as 6 foot 1 inches tall. Shoots left handed but I have a sneaky suspicion that he is ambidextrous. That means he can use his left or right hand equally well for you uneducated folk. Hard to be uneducated with Google as your friend these days but I know who wants to look up instant information? Of course the kid is a Sniper and rightfully so. His strengths are Scoring, Skating and Puck Handling and it seems his weakness is checking but I have seen him run players into the boards a plenty! According to his stat sheet he was born in Finland but as I told you before that is most likely a lie! We all know he was born in the jungle somewhere and raised by Sloths! If you say or type it enough it becomes fact!
Alright, so we tracked his stats down a bit. It seems he was a Season 46 SHL Draftee which means he started in the SMJHL in Season 45 and this is his fourth year in the league. I have him listed as playing for The Halifax Raiders in season 45 and 46. Looking back at the archives it appears he was involved in some massive draft class, I suppose this is the Reddit Draft that you hear all the chatter about. Either way, the point is this Draft is 11 plus rounds!! Wow... James Truong was taken 85th in that draft and look at him now! Oh sure Nikolai Evans was the number 1 overall pick... you just can't beat this guy! Don't even try. It would be best to ally up with him and not make an enemy of this Ruskie! I want to write about Slothface but this Draft is ridiculous! Oh there he is... look at this kid... Number 8th overall! Yup as I think this article has proven he is just one of those guys who never loses and just always seems to be in the right place at the right time!
Look at his rookie season! 11 Goals and 16 Assists for 27 Total Points. A plus minus rating of plus 3 and only 8 minutes in the box with 912 minutes on the ice! What is that .88%!? Just sick... he spent less than one percent of his time on ice in the Sin Bin! Told you this kid was just that nice and that good! So he got knocked around 3 times as much as he hit a guy but that didn't slow him down. He averaged just over 18 minutes of Time on Ice for the regular season. He did all this primarily from the second line! The Raiders met their demise to the Detroit "Skreeeeee" Falcons that year in the second round but it was clear that Slothface was going to be a Super Star.
After two years with Halifax it seems he moved to the Whalers for last years, season 47. That makes sense as Vancouver has the best scouts and management in the business. Those guys would steal candy from your baby or anything else that isn't locked down! True artists in the ways of manipulating free agency or unhappy players! Slothface finished with 49 games played and 18 goals with 20 assists for a 38 point total! The Whalers were running hot and expected a Cup Final but the Militia took a 3-0 Series lead in the Semi Final Round. The Whalers fought back but in the end they lost the series 4-2 and the Militia went to the Four Star Cup Final. Don't worry though, Montreal got upended in the Finals and Zarley Zalapski has to live with that demise for the rest of his life! Slothface played 10 playoff games in that season and scored 5 goals with 2 assists for 7 points total. Zero penalty minutes and finished with a plus 2 rating. Either he was on a stacked team or his coaches fumbled the ball only putting him on the third line. I am guessing it was a log jam problem that can be common in the SMJHL.
Let's flash forward to season 48 and the New Orleans Specters call up Slothface to the pros and treat him the way he is meant to be treated. That's the thing about NOLA... those guys shower you with all the love you can handle and it can make the worst hockey players blossom into the tallest trees in the forest! Jimmy was off to an amazing start that has slowed a bit but with 9 Goals and 5 Assists for 14 points he is on pace to have one of his best seasons yet! He has already cemented a great rookie start with NOLA playing on the third line. I expect him to move up the lines in the near future! This is only his 4th season and he has at least 10 more great seasons in front of him. I am predicting multiple Champion Cups for him and his team in a few seasons and I believe Jimmy will be one of the ones leading the way! It is going to be truly impressive if NOLA's prospects keep on with the good fight and join Jimmy in the SHL. Talk about Defensive Protection!! Jimmy gonna be scoring so many goals that it is going to make the opposition sick with envy! This kid has also worked on his hit to getting hit ratio and he isn't far behind of a 50/50 ratio currently at 22 to 34. Just about 16 minutes of ice time averaged per game and I got a sneaky feeling he is going to really shine come playoff time. We are only half way through the season but you can expect Jimmy to keep scoring and when he hits you into the boards you can expect that apology with his patented smile.
06-28-2019, 11:06 AMPenKnight Wrote: After two years with Halifax it seems he moved to the Whalers for last years, season 47. That makes sense as Vancouver has the best scouts and management in the business. Those guys would steal candy from your baby or anything else that isn't locked down! True artists in the ways of manipulating free agency or unhappy players! Slothface finished with 49 games played and 18 goals with 20 assists for a 38 point total! The Whalers were running hot and expected a Cup Final after going up 2 games to zip against the Montreal Militia. Unfortunately for the Whalers, SimonT reared his ugly head and Montreal won the next 4 games straight. Don't worry though, Montreal got upended in the Finals and Zarley Zalapski has to live with that demise for the rest of his life! Slothface played 10 playoff games in that season and scored 5 goals with 2 assists for 7 points total. Zero penalty minutes and finished with a plus 2 rating. Either he was on a stacked team or his coaches fumbled the ball only putting him on the third line. I am guessing it was a log jam problem that can be common in the SMJHL.
I agree, we got the best in the business, and we are pretty good at getting people in FA. but Montreal won 3 straight, we won 2, then they won the last game so yeah.
06-28-2019, 12:42 PM(This post was last modified: 06-28-2019, 12:46 PM by PenKnight.)
06-28-2019, 12:30 PMluketd Wrote:
06-28-2019, 11:06 AMPenKnight Wrote: After two years with Halifax it seems he moved to the Whalers for last years, season 47. That makes sense as Vancouver has the best scouts and management in the business. Those guys would steal candy from your baby or anything else that isn't locked down! True artists in the ways of manipulating free agency or unhappy players! Slothface finished with 49 games played and 18 goals with 20 assists for a 38 point total! The Whalers were running hot and expected a Cup Final after going up 2 games to zip against the Montreal Militia. Unfortunately for the Whalers, SimonT reared his ugly head and Montreal won the next 4 games straight. Don't worry though, Montreal got upended in the Finals and Zarley Zalapski has to live with that demise for the rest of his life! Slothface played 10 playoff games in that season and scored 5 goals with 2 assists for 7 points total. Zero penalty minutes and finished with a plus 2 rating. Either he was on a stacked team or his coaches fumbled the ball only putting him on the third line. I am guessing it was a log jam problem that can be common in the SMJHL.
I agree, we got the best in the business, and we are pretty good at getting people in FA. but Montreal won 3 straight, we won 2, then they won the last game so yeah.
Seems the Magazine and Editors owe the Whalers Organization an Apology and Re-Traction. It appears that the 9 layer process of fact checking and proof reading along with editing did not catch this misprint of information. We do see the problem that happened and it appears the Magazine got the Knights Series confused with the Whalers series. Please do not sue or cancel your subscription as we are willing to negotiate a deal in your favor. Thanks for catching this poor excuse for editing and thank you for reading and continued support!
The article has been edited to reflect the true history of the Season 47 Series between the Militia and the Whalers!
06-28-2019, 12:46 PM(This post was last modified: 06-28-2019, 12:53 PM by PenKnight.)
06-28-2019, 12:42 PMPenKnight Wrote:
06-28-2019, 12:30 PMluketd Wrote: I agree, we got the best in the business, and we are pretty good at getting people in FA. but Montreal won 3 straight, we won 2, then they won the last game so yeah.
Seems the Magazine and Editors owe the Whalers Organization an Apology and Re-Traction. It appears that the 9 layer process of fact checking and proof reading along with editing did not catch this misprint of information. We do see the problem that happened and it appears the Magazine got the Knights Series confused with the Whalers series. Please do not sue or cancel your subscription as we are willing to negotiate a deal in your favor. Thanks for catching this poor excuse for editing and thank you for reading and continued support!
I think an article about Vancouver can make up for it :eyes:
06-28-2019, 12:42 PMPenKnight Wrote: Seems the Magazine and Editors owe the Whalers Organization an Apology and Re-Traction. It appears that the 9 layer process of fact checking and proof reading along with editing did not catch this misprint of information. We do see the problem that happened and it appears the Magazine got the Knights Series confused with the Whalers series. Please do not sue or cancel your subscription as we are willing to negotiate a deal in your favor. Thanks for catching this poor excuse for editing and thank you for reading and continued support!
I think an article about Vancouver can make up for it :eyes:
He should write about some Vancouver alumni. Like Jimmy Slothface!
Makes sense to me... why not a Whaler/Sloth 1000 to 2000 word article. Jimmy is such a great guy it is easy to just keep writing about him and I don't think the readers want to hear about the Whalers... They want more SlothFace!!
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