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CementHands · 08-30-2019, 06:02 PM

This is my first article, so hopefully eligible for the first article bonus Smile

Ready for grading and any feedback. 1356 words

News Anchor - Today the mayor of Halifax has distanced himself from the Raiders after a bizarre chain of events unfolded at the children’s hospital. He is a well-known supporter of the local team, and frequently holds private parties as his residence for the players.

Earlier today following a dominating performance at home as the Raiders were leaving the ice, rookie sensation Karl Krashwagen (1G, 2A, 1 SB, -13, 44GP) slipped entering the zamboni entrance and fell forward, hitting his head on the metal bleachers, knocking out 3 teeth in the direction of fans waiting for hi-fives and autographs, and more than likely receiving a concussion in the process. Picking himself off the ground he proceeded to grab the pictures of Atlas Rush @Rublic that the now horrified children were holding, waiting for a change to have Atlas sign, and scribbled what might be best described as “an adequate attempt at writing your name with your wrong hand, blindfolded, as a 4 year old” as quoted by Raiders super fan Jebediah Smalls. Smalls went on to say “I think the real tragedy is we were all so pumped after the big win, now we have to go pay $5 each for another Atlas photo because these are beyond worthless. I guess the janitors could use them to soak up Karl’s blood” before crumpling up his crisp new autograph and throwing it at the vacant entrance.

After a thorough check out from the team’s medical staff, Krashwagen was transported to the Halifax Children’s Hospital due to an error in his age on his visa that said he was 6 years old. Upon arriving at the hospital, onsite reporter Jason Staples reported when everything started going downhill – Krashwagen saw the following broadcast of a post-game interview fellow teammate Conor Tanner @Keygan :
Staples - "Connor, you guys put on a dominating performance today, coming away with a big 7-1 victory over the 5th place team in the league. How did you guys look so good out there?"
Tanner - “Yea, we played a really good 60 minutes out there tonight. Hard, solid shifts right from the start, we bounced back right after they tied it up in the first and just never looked back”
Staples – “Do you have any comments on the event that happened after the game was over, one of your rookies seemed to hurt himself pretty badly and we saw him getting taken away in an ambulance?”
Tanner – “I’m sure he will be fine, when he came back to the dressing room he showed us his teeth that got knocked out. It was disgusting and I wanted to throw up, but that’s the kind of guy Karl is, he wears his heart and emotions on his sleeve and he might not be very good, but damn if he doesn’t give it 100% every night. Kind of like Rudy I guess. In some ways I suppose you could say that he is my idol”

News Anchor – We’re being told that at this time Krashwagen started making his way into the hospital despite multiple protests from hospital orderlies and security personnel.
We have this exclusive quote from Trent Duff, head of the hospitals security guards:
Duff - “I must have shot him with enough tranquilizer to knock out a full grown giraffe! He didn’t budge, he was like the hulk, and he just kept on going. It’s impossible, I know because I took grade 10 science class and graduated. I went home and tested the same amount on my cat and she was knocked out right away. She’s sleeping so well she’s still asleep, she won’t even wake up for food or water so I just sprinkle some over her so her skin can absorb it."
Reporter – “I don’t think she’s sleeping”
Duff – “well passed out or comma toast then, whatever you call it”
Reporter - “No, what I mean is I think you kill-“
Duff – “Here, watch. This stuff works really well, its sup-“
Reporter – “Chris cut the feed, Jesus I can’t believe he just did that. Cut it. No the red button you idiot”

News Anchor – Well it looks like we are experiencing some technical difficulties with our recording, so we’ll take you through eye witness accounts of the events that followed:
• Krashwagen continued on his way into the ward
• He seemed perplexed at times, perhaps having some trouble reading the signs in English
• He made his way towards the oncology unit
• He was discovered by nurse Rhonda Sheers who gave us this exclusive interview:

Rhonda – “I was scared half to death. There was a bit of a commotion about some stuff happening earlier in the day, I just walked into the training room and there he was, sitting in a circle of the CPR dummies, just talking away. I chuckled and started walking away but some of the things he was saying seemed really off, I think he though they were real people. A few minutes later we received a code black from that room, so we had a lot of people rushing to see what happened, apparently he found an old heart monitor, you know those ones with the black and green screen and hooked it up. They say he went a little mental when he didn’t see a rhythm… on the dummy … apparently he found an alarm switch and was screaming for an AED. It took 2 orderlies and 5 shots of tranquilizer to put him down… I haven’t seen that much used on a human being ever.”

News Anchor – It was at this point where Mr. Krashwagon was led away by police. He reportedly offered up no resistance to officers, and was extremely disorientated from the tranquilizers he was administered earlier. Raiders General Manager Ed Balls @Flareon posted his bail a few hours later and we caught up with him for a quick remark on the case:
Reporter – “Mr. Balls, are the allegations true that your player, Karl Krashwagen destroyed an entire wing of the children’s hospital and also ate someone’s pet cat?”
Ed Balls – “Oh come on, you can’t be serious. He didn’t destroy the hospital, just mangled a few training dummies and broke an AED. I will remind you that the Raiders donate a lot of money to that hospital every year, and the training room is named the ‘Halifax Raiders Training Room for People Who Can’t Administer CPR Very Good, and Want to do That and Other Stuff Pretty Good too’, so if you think about it the equipment is really ours anyway”
Reporter – “Wow. That is quite the name, hard to imagine how they fit it on the sign. Any comment on the cat?”
Ed Balls – “No comment on the cat. I can’t imagine that’s true though.”
Reporter – “Thanks for the take Ed, anything you want to say to the fans”
Ed Balls – “Sure. Just want to thank the fans for their support throughout the years. We have a really strong group this year and there might be a few moves in the next few days before the deadline, keep an eye out. Playoff tickets go on sale at the end of the season and we are looking to lock-down home ice advantage, so looking forward to seeing you there."

News Anchor – And there you have it, a strange ending to an otherwise excellent day. This anchor is extremely relieved that the Raiders have 4 road games in a row coming up, for the sake of the city. That team is a disaster just waiting to strike. You stay classy, Halifax.

charlieconway · 08-30-2019, 07:23 PM

Love the idea of a matt martin-looking dude being dragged into a children's hospital.

Great article!

Flareon · 08-30-2019, 07:24 PM

The spirit of Troy Reynolds lives on

Rublic · 08-30-2019, 10:04 PM

Great Read! Hope to see more of the same from you! you are looking like a steal for how late the raiders got you! You will soon have everyone on the Krash(band)wagen

raiders

*Carpy48* · 08-31-2019, 03:41 PM

Definitely a great first article (poor cat though Wink

). Made me laugh!

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