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***Aephino*** · 01-30-2020, 05:52 PM

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A Closer Look at Potential Spies from the S53 Class

Hockey Bureau of Investigation

During the draft week for the SMJHL, there was discussion about a possible spy in the S53 class of hockey players. We have taken it upon ourselves, the renowned Hockey Bureau of Investigation, to compile research on the entire draft class to discover who the spy is, and why they are here in America playing hockey. Thus far, their motives remain a mystery, but we believe we have limited the potential spies to twelve. This article will outline our thoughts and questions about these players.

We begin by looking at the hockey players with questionable names. These players’ information was limited, but their suspicious names gave us reason to believe they are a potential threat.

#12. Vladimir Khristorozhdeskvensk – Anchorage Armada
Vladimir is a common Russian name, but Khristorozhdeskvensk? We have looked high and low, and there are no records of a family ever have a last name of Khristo… that name. Why did Vladimir change his name? What is his real surname?

#11. PeaKay Soupcan – Halifax Raiders
PeaKay is an interesting first name, but when you put the full name together it becomes doubly suspicious. PeaKay Soupcan sounds awfully similar to Canadian hockey star Pernell-Karl Sylvester Subban, better known as P.K. Subban. Coincidence? We think not.

#10. Magnus "The Ogre" Orrsen – Newfoundland Berserkers
Magnus Orrsen is a normal name, but his nickname of “The Ogre” has been haunting us. We could not uncover the origins behind the nickname. Therefore, we conclude the nickname is his secret spy name.

#9. Lligma Broomstick – Vancouver Whalers
What is Lligma?

#8. Nicotine Overdose – Anaheim Outlaws
Nico gave us further doubts. Perhaps this is his real name. If that is the case, I feel for the poor soul whose parents named him after their questionable habits. However, the HBI concluded that this is most likely not a coincidence and is a reason to believe Nicotine Overdose is a lethal spy who is here in America to kill. If you spot Nico in a dark alleyway, be sure to guard your lungs, as he is known to attack that vital organ.

#7. Zeep Zorp – Anaheim Outlaws
Our research on Zorp had us up in arms. We have left the realm of spies and entered into the world of aliens and robots. Who is your supreme overlord, Zeep? Which planet were you sent from? Can we escape to your planet to avoid global warming?

The Hockey Bureau of Investigation gathered further information about the following six prospects. We are highly suspicious of these hockey players.

#6. Frederick Wanesly – Detroit Falcons
Fred appeared to have a great deal of insider information on the potential spy. He was pointing fingers at other members of his draft class, attempting to shift blame away from himself. Fred has connections with Carlos Johnson of Hockey Talk USA, the author of the famous article, “Rumor Surfaces About Potential Foreign Spy in the Ranks of SMJHL Prospects.” We believe Fred was feeding false information to the journalists.

#5. Steve Harrington – Newfoundland Berserkers
Steve has been a top suspect of ours for a while. He is constantly seen playing poker and spending generous amounts of time at strip clubs. Furthermore, he is from Germany. Americans and Germans have had a difficult past. For the uninformed, Adolf Hitler was an evil man who led Germany into World War II against the United States. Those of us at the HBI dislike Germans for their previous actions, unfortunately for Steve. We have our eye on him.

#4. Chris Cerullo – Colorado Raptors
The Norwegian hockey star went first overall in the S52 SMJHL Draft. Naturally, he gained our attention. Come to find out, Chris is quite the character. He apparently had intercourse with a coach’s daughter, bets on SHL games, and is frequently clubbing. His social media and interactions with the press give indications of suspicious activity. If Chris is a spy, he is highly likely to be dealing with illegal financial transactions.

#3. Edward Williams – Detroit Falcons
Edward is the name that Carlos Johnson highlighted in his article. After performing our own research, we agree with many of the findings from Johnson. Williams was actually the first prospect to raise attention to a possible spy in the draft class. Furthermore, he once suggested to assassinate the general managers of the SMJHL and take over the teams. The British hockey star is making headlines in Detroit, but soon it might be for the wrong reasons.

#2. Valentin Kalashnikov – Halifax Raiders
Kalashnikov is another Russian on our list. The Hockey Bureau of Investigation also does not tolerate Russians. Men like Stalin, Putin, and Maria Sharapova have tainted the Russian bloodline. Kalashnikov has been known to use drugs, particularly acid, or as the kids call it, "Lysergic Acid Diethylamide". Where he is getting these drugs from? Most likely Russia. They have already been banned from international sporting events for doping, but their use of acid is seemingly out of hand, as well.

#1. Andrei Kostitsyn – Newfoundland Berserkers
Andrei Kostitsyn is a Belarusian hockey player who played for the Montreal Canadiens and Nashville Predators. He is also a member of the S53 draft class for the Simulation Hockey League. We have yet to conclude if this is the same Andrei as the 34-year-old, who is apparently playing for Dinamo Minsk in Belarus. This Andrei Kostitsyn claims that he is “clean,” seemingly to clear his name after Kostitsyn was spotted at a bar before a playoff game in 2012. Eight years later, is Andrei clean? Is this the same Andrei Kostitsyn? Is he even real? These are the questions that the HBI will research, uncover, and inform the public.

Mediocre_Fred · 01-30-2020, 06:41 PM

Great sleuthing. Though I must say, having known Fred my whole life, there have only been a handful of occasions that he has every said anything in a foreign language to someone on a burner phone and then quickly hung up and thrown the phone away. Absolutely spotless, that guy is.

**Lime** · 01-30-2020, 07:19 PM

Tomen did nothing wrong

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