Login

*leviadan* · 07-17-2020, 02:39 PM

1170 Words - 2x Draft Media - Ready for Grading!

Despite my best efforts not a damn soul will hire me as a scout. I've published TWO draft articles and analyses over the seasons and even though I was staggeringly correct in each I've yet to land a lucrative job eyeballing prospects. Nobody wants my advice? Fine. But I'm going to give it anyway because I'm a white man, dammit! It's about time my perspective was heard in the hockey world!

So here's Burlok's top S55 SMJHL draft prospects. In no particular order.

Other than my gut's order.

Because that's what counts. The damn gut.

And the chronological ordering of the prospects. Because I'll probably write about you later the deeper you are into the database. Sorry.

But also I'm not sorry because it's what my damn gut wants! Let's go!

[Image: giphy.gif]

C - Josh Dolphin - @d0lph1nb0y

I won't pretend to be an animologist or a oceanographer but even I know these dolphins are some smart SOBs. A 13 in passing and a 13 in faceoffs? This kid has cunning and it shows. Their slick, rubbery body is going to make them a tough target to get your hands on, and that 200 pound British frame is top quality! Because it's expensive, get it? 200 pounds? Because their money is pounds.

Point is I'll take a dolphin any day of the week over just about any other animal. Except a falcon. You get a big enough falcon it'll grab a dolphin right out of the air and munch it up. Dolphins are like snacks to big falcons.

RW - Zach Dolphin - @Dolph96

What in God's name is going on? Two of them? Christ I need to drain my basement of water or they're gonna find their way in here. Shit.

LD - Grandmaster Funk - @"GMFunk"

I don't normally base my ratings off of names, I base them off my gut, but this name sits nicely in my gut. I don't know how you can see that name and not think "Damn that's a big Irish boy that plays hockey." A little tidbit that I've picked up during my many years on this Earth is that the Irish are, on average, quite fond of potatoes. Other young scouts, these numbers guys, might not know that. But I do because I've actually got my damn boots on the ground and I'm out shaking hands with the Irish every day. Not to mention that if there's one thing the Sulfurgolds know, it's that potatoes breed greatness on the ice.

They're going to be a great all-around D that can be shaped into curing whatever ails ya'. The raw talent is there, the can-do attitude is there, and the putty like physique will be moulded in your conditioning coaches' hands.

RD - Casper Boo - @StudMuffin

There's nothing worse as a forward in this league than lining up, looking across the ice, and seeing a defenseman that really strikes fear into your heart. This kid is scary. Not only are they huge, but they're heavy and semi-transparent. That hulking body can move pretty fast when they want it to, and once it gets going you can bet it's going to crater you into the boards.

The stories I've heard of this kid out in the field are really something else. Some folks say they've never even seen them off of the ice. They just leave an empty spot on the bench with one of those little pentagram things carved into it and they appear as soon as the game starts. Truthfully I think they have unfinished business. Like the only reason they're bound to this Earth is to win the 4 Star Cup. Scary stuff.

C - Rock Strongo - @Leafs4ever

Sweet honey god damn I'm not sure I've ever been as gut strongo on a kid as I am this one. Like I said I don't usually base my rankings off of names-- I rank people based on my gut-- but this is a name you can't even say without your gut flexing. Shit. Rock Strongo. I can feel my tummy tense up and push out with each syllable. Lately I catch myself just standing in the garage muttering their name under my breath over and over so I can feel the sensation. It's enchanting.

Anyways I'd like to see a bit more bravery and fighting talent out of a kid that makes me feel so many things in my stomach, but what are you gonna' do. Nobody's perfect. I'm sure they can put some extra time in the boxing ring to top up those talents. Regardless if this one is half as good at hockey as they are at tickling my tongue then they'll be a home run every time.

G - King Leaf - @TheKingofLeaves

My lord, my liege. I truly cannot believe that King Leaf is coming to play in the SMJHL. What an honour. King Leaf is a Latvian royal position elected yearly at the national young-adult invitational ploughing match. In the matches' three year history we've seen only three King Leafs. It's an exceptionally distinguished position, and to have one join us in the SMJHL will be a blessing like no other.

Known for their quick glove and mature positioning, King Leaf is poised to make highlight reels on day one. If I were a coach I'd be getting this kid into the locker room ASAP to see if some of that regal energy can rub off on the room.

LD - joe nhl - @carson

This is a unique case for me, because for some reason I just get nothing off of this person, and that's precisely why I like them. I don't usually base my ranking off of name alone, as I've said before I prefer to use my gut, but here? Even the name gives me nothing. It doesn't sound like hockey at all! There's almost no personality... it's like they're a grey slab of a person. But there's potential there.

Who knows what joe could become? They've got a big body for sure, and it's great to see more young people from Japan entering the draft, but I just don't know how to place this kid. They're a real wild card, and for a guy with as much experience and in depth hockey know-how as I do? That's frightening. What will come of the first prospect that I have truly no idea how to rank? Maybe they're a gap in my knowledge? Maybe they're just so unremarkable that my gut can't even feel their presence? Only time will tell. My recommendation? First overall. I simply must see how this one develops.

----------

And that's it for my comprehensive S55 SMJHL "draft rankings with yer gut". If anyone reads this and finally sees some of my potential then take a hike. You all had your shot at me and I'm sure as hell not taking a pity hire at this point in my career. If you're lucky I'll keep publishing free advice like this and you leeches can keep pulling the blood from it. See if I care.

***sve7en*** · 07-17-2020, 02:41 PM

Hell yeah, Leviadan media.

scribbles furiously in notebook

funk · 07-18-2020, 04:44 PM

Very happy to be mentioned here! Hopefully I can make an impact worthy of the Grandmaster Funk moniker!

Navigation

Extra Menu

About us