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Leoben · 07-30-2020, 03:57 AM

1570 or so words, ready for grading

Fresh off the heels of Black Wednesday where the San Francisco Pride general manager quit and the team started jettisoning talent to prepare for the future, the first day of the regular season was met with quite a bit of controversy. Two of the top teams in the Western Conference employed tactics that some would deem, controversial. That debate has been had and any opinions met here would be met with discussion that that would devolve into memes and recipes before someone calls someone a bad name and get suspended. So let’s skip all that.

What if, and this is all hypothetical, each team employed a similar tactic? I don’t mean every team becoming full on agitators. I mean what if every team was assigned a role at the start of the season and they had to play that role on every line for every game? We could have a role draft at the beginning of the season to determine which team would employ which role. While I did not have the time, nor will I ever, to run a test of this magnitude and post the results, I will assign each team a role based on my randomizer and code which I am not willing to share.

So let’s get started.

Some teams will have to be assigned supplementary roles as there just are not enough roles to go around. I know supplementary roles are not really assigned but for the sake of this article, just go with it.

Baltimore Platoon - Policemen
When I think of Baltimore, the first thing that comes to mind is The Wire. While I have not seen this show, I know it had cops and Baltimore. It seems only fitting that the Platoon be given the role of Policemen. They are the primary protector of their teammates. They can be enforcers, but they don’t have to be. I don’t think the results would bode too well. They might do poorly against the dreaded agitator. Rather than make a play on the puck, they will be too busy looking out for each other. Say someone goes up to Karl Krashwagen and tells him Baltimore is poop. Rather than protect his zone, Delver Fudgeson comes to the aid of his friend and says “No sir, your city is poop.” Meanwhile, the other team has scored a goal.
[Image: The_Wire_Jimmy_McNulty.jpg]

Jimmy McNulty

[Image: Buffalo.png]

Buffalo Stampede – Franchise
Let’s face it, the Stampede are OP as hell. I’m talking C’Thun in Vanilla WoW before the nerf. They have all of the TPE and all of the awards and they’re really good and great if I was assigning each team a professional wrestler, Buffalo would be the illegitimate lovechild of Roman Reigns, John Cena, and Hulk Hogan. If such a thing were possible, brother uce. It is only fitting that a team with this much talent be assigned the franchise role. I know the franchise player is typically the best of the best, but what if your entire team is the best of the best? Then they are all the franchise on this blessed day.

“The Franchise” Shane Douglas

Chicago Syndicate – Star
The Chicago Syndicate reminds me of Buffalo, but they’re just not quite Buffalo enough. Stars are very valuable and make great contributions to the team. A team may also have several stars so there you have it. If Buffalo is like “The Franchise” Shane Douglas, then Chicago is like Tommy Dreamer. I cannot promise that this will be my last wrestling reference in this article.

Tommy Dreamer

[Image: Hamilton.png]

Hamilton Steelhawks – Two-Way Forward
The Steelhawks are getting up there in age but are still a force to be reckoned with. They are effective everywhere much like a two-way forward and while they aren’t lighting the world on fire this season, yet, I will never count them out. They were employing oddball tactics before anyone else. They’re the whole reason we are using the current sim and are also the reason that I am even writing this. Without sounding like a hipster, Hamilton were doing stuff like this before it went mainstream. If weird tactics were Green Day albums, Hamilton are definitely ‘39/Smooth.’
[Image: Green_Day_-_39-Smooth_cover.jpg]

39/Smooth

Manhattan Rage – Grinder
The Rage are usually my sleeper pick to win everything but I didn’t pick them this season. I also just had a slight panic attack because I couldn’t remember if I got my predictions in for the season. Fingers crossed I guess. This is another two-way player who focuses on both sides of the game but is definitely better on defense. I am not sure if the Rage are any good on defense to be honest but they’re off to a solid start. Good genes.

[Image: newwolfpack.png]

New England Wolfpack – Checking Forward
New England don’t score a lot but they don’t get scored on a lot either. They’re not the best but definitely better than most at keeping the puck out of their own goal. But they score when it counts and are in the mix right now. The Wolfpack were also a fringe group of the New World Order and they made Sting wear this hideous paint on his face.
[Image: d9f9fc11c384df7484c9d16115a50c90--sting-...ng-wwe.jpg]

[Image: d9f9fc11c384df7484c9d16115a50c90--sting-...ng-wwe.jpg]

Seriously. WTF?

Tampa Bay Barracuda – Blue-Chip Prospect
The streak is over. The losing streak, that is. The Barracuda have amassed two wins this season and while I wouldn’t expect too much out of them, they are definitely on the part of the roller coaster that goes up. Blue-Chippers are young prospects who are expected to be top players of the future. For example, Brock Lesnar was a blue-chipper in 2002 for about two months before they pushed him to the fucking moon.
[Image: 20170317_Brock--a6e6a9b9bddbead02dc8937670fa8a6f.jpg]

[Image: 20170317_Brock--a6e6a9b9bddbead02dc8937670fa8a6f.jpg]

Blue-chipper Brock Lesnar

[Image: Toronto.png]

Toronto North Stars – Prospect
Prospects have less certain, but still bright, futures. They are not blue-chippers but they’re nothing to scoff at. While Toronto is currently winless, they will probably not go 0-50. Let’s say blue-chip prospects are Eddie Guerrero, well then prospects would be his nephew Chavo. He’s very good, but he’s not Eddie. Toronto are probably on the part of the roller coaster that loads and unloads passengers. The ride could be good if it ever gets going.
[Image: A-3090268-1361388753-7454.jpeg.jpg]

[Image: A-3090268-1361388753-7454.jpeg.jpg]

Chavo Guerrero

Calgary Dragons – Playmaker
The Dragons are typically contenders and look to be in the mix again this season. They have struggled at the start but can still score when necessary. I go back to the end of last season when they knocked the Renegades out of the last playoff spot. They created the right chances and managed to squeeze through. They are playmakers through and through.

[Image: Edmonton.png]

Edmonton Blizzard – Enforcer
This one goes without saying. The Blizzard are one of the best teams in the league. They are consistently near the top of the table and always a respected foe. But sometimes they just want a fight. Like the policemen, enforcers protect their teammates, but it is usually with their fists. Then the Enforcers and Policemen face off, it is a recipe for violence.
[Image: hqdefault.jpg]

Edmonton vs. Baltimore

[Image: LosAngeles.png]

Los Angeles Panthers – Goalscorer
Their scoring output is saving them this season as they have conceded quite a few goals. It is not detrimental but these are facts. Goalscorers are forwards expected to contribute offensively by getting in the right position. The Panthers have done this when it counts and find themselves in fourth place. While the rumor is that these guys are trending down, don’t write off the goalscorers.

[Image: Minnesota.png]

Minnesota Chiefs – Depth
Depth players are on the fringes of being useful. Any production is a pleasant surprise. Yes indeed. Remember that time Heath Slater lost all those matches before finally finding a tag partner and winning gold? The Chiefs are like that. No disrespect to them as I’m sure their fortunes will change for the better soon.
[Image: 3872db5c5445b7fd-600x338.jpg]

Heath Slater and Rhyno

New Orleans Specters – Agitators
Just typing their name out agitated me. But this one was obvious. Another team with all the talent in the world, not to mention they’re the champions, but they decided to antagonize their opponents rather than play. Agitators need to be careful when facing Enforcers though as they are likely to get laid out. Imagine if Wayne Gretzky just skated around the rink talking shit but never actually playing hockey. Yea.
[Image: ?url=https%3A%2F%2Fcalifornia-times-brig...y-20140505]

[Image: ?url=https%3A%2F%2Fcalifornia-times-brig...y-20140505]

Gretzky talking mad shit

San Francisco Pride – Two-Way Defenceman
Say what you want about the Pride and the recent decisions coming out of that office but they are hanging in there for now. Two-way defencemen are like their forward counterparts, expected to be effective at both ends of the ice. They concede quite a lot but have managed to get some wins with what offensive firepower they do have.

[Image: Texas.png]

Texas Renegades – Power Forward
This player is expected to contribute offensively by using size and strength to forecheck and create space for teammates. I will not say too much here to avoid being perceived as biased.
[Image: c712ee54d2e6e893cd06f1f3dee14b22.jpg]

[Image: c712ee54d2e6e893cd06f1f3dee14b22.jpg]

Andreas Kvalheim

[Image: Winnipeg.png]

Winnipeg Jets – Fringe Prospects
Young prospects whose chances of ever making a significant contribution appear to be slim. The ‘ever’ is quite strong. No team stays down forever. Sometimes they relocate. I have to respect Winnipeg because they’ve had our number on several occasions and really screwed us out of the playoffs last season. But no one is expecting much this season.

So there you have it. Some will disagree and that’s fine.

The contents of this article and its author are in no way influenced by or associated with the SHN, BHN, SHL Onion, or any other conglomerate.

PremierBromanov · 07-30-2020, 08:41 AM

well done

DeletedAtUserRequest · 07-30-2020, 08:42 AM

+1

- playmakers

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SlashACM · 07-30-2020, 01:07 PM

Nola won the cup and now they go out on the ice and just follow around the other team and chirp

PremierBromanov · 07-30-2020, 01:15 PM

07-30-2020, 01:07 PMSlashACM Wrote: Nola won the cup and now they go out on the ice and just follow around the other team and chirp

does that include the main man in net?

SlashACM · 07-30-2020, 03:22 PM

07-30-2020, 01:15 PMPremierBromanov Wrote:
07-30-2020, 01:07 PMSlashACM Wrote: Nola won the cup and now they go out on the ice and just follow around the other team and chirp
does that include the main man in net?

Yeah if you try to screen me I'll spoil movies

Leoben · 07-30-2020, 04:01 PM

07-30-2020, 03:22 PMSlashACM Wrote:
07-30-2020, 01:15 PMPremierBromanov Wrote: does that include the main man in net?

Yeah if you try to screen me I'll spoil movies

"It's Brad Pitt's wife's head in the box!"

Another great save my Cain! The offense isn't going near the goal.

*Zoone16* · 07-30-2020, 04:53 PM

The best part of this is the [Non-Affiliated] in the title.

jk. love the article.

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