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*leviadan* · 09-11-2020, 11:32 PM

1014 Words - 2x Draft Media - Ready for Grading!

Smell that? It's the SMJHL draft coming. How about this? Can you smell this too? That's right, it's your least favourite nephew Burlok Sulfurgold, limping up to his draft day soap box. Now listen here bow tie, I'm still looking for a scouting job. J-O-B! Not unpaid scouting internship... looking at you, Seattle. My resume is as follows: I do this every damn season and every damn season I pick winners. You heard me nerdlinger, I pick WINNERS-- not hockey players. I don't give a dogs bark about what you do on skates, how wiggly your stick is, or who your famous uncle is. More on that later. What I care about is what you do on the podium. Do you like champagne or do you like piss? Because you have to drink one, rookie, and I'm not paying for both.

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Burlok's SMJHL Top Spots™ Brought to you by Rusteze®

#5 - Hank Spankie - C - @hank91

This boy ain't right, I tell you what. This guys got winner written in capital letters across his diminished gluteals. He wins faceoffs and faceoff accessories. I've met their wife and sweet St. Pete she makes a good meatball. Oh yeah, and he's from the U. S. of A. Not to mention he's from Detroit! That's where the raw aggression comes from. Hank's got it in spades! Those Detroit birds have wins in their red white and blue bird blood! Just look at Season 53! Good lord, those were the days. How much you wanna make a bet I can shoot a puck over them mountains?

#4 - Shootsy Scores - C - @SHLTutorial

This son of a sweet tooth just looks like they understand this league already. They look like they wrote the book on this league. They look like they made a god damned in-depth guide on how to make it in the SHL. They look like someone paid them four million dollars to give a talk on this god forsaken simulation league. If there was ever a future hall of famer in the draft, it's this guy. Why are they ranked fourth, you ask? Because in some cultures the number four is synonymous with death, and that's what this godless hound will reign down when they hit the ice. 6'5 with that speed and accuracy? Hold on to your calculators cause this god of hockey IQ is going full Moses next season.

#3 - Spencer Spaulding - RD - @drinkingmaryjane

I never forget Canadians. Not after what they did to me. Spencer is a real honker on the back end. You thought Shootsy was big at 6'5? Spaulding is 6'5 soaking wet. He's all stick and he's not sorry about it. Twelve stick checking, twelve defensive read, twelve positioning? This guy is what you get when Martin Marincin and Paul Bunyan love each other very much-- and they love each other VERY much. If I didn't want to see a single player skate over my blue line all season I'd be screaming Spencer's name until he's officially mine. That's how the draft works, right? I wouldn't know because you hoity-toity human airpods won't hire me. Just give me a chance!

#2 - Yanno Rosejac - G - @Demolish

Yanno's name sounds like it would be an anagram of something, or a palindrome. Wait, is it a palindrome? Cajesor Onnay? Does that mean something filthy in Italian? No? Good. Anyway they say this kid clobbers rubber with his gams. He can kick a rebound clear into the concession stand. Personally I've never understood why goalies do that. Who cares? I'm a scout not a coach. All I know is what these peepers see, and these peepers see a keeper that can yeet a rebound. Saves? Maybe. Puck kicking? Hell yes. Pop off, king. We have no choice but to stan.

#? - Tyler Burnett - RW - @DatSmolBoi

This is a bonus prospect that I'm slipping in here for my OnlyFans subscribers. Turn away now unless you've paid me. Did you do it? Last Chance. Tyler Burnett is a speedy Canadian winger with a deadly accurate shot. They have a special mix of size and foot speed that's unique for their age, and I really think there's a lot of potential there. Yadda yadda. What I want to know is if this kid is in any way related to famed Survivor producer Mark Burnett? I know Survivor doesn't pull the numbers that it used to and I have a show to pitch about an old, scrappy scout that's working his way back up from the bottom after losing his life savings tossing dice behind the high school with his son's baby sitter. Let's chat.

#1 - Freyja Hellström - LW - @Calliope

It has to have been at least a century since a top SMJHL prospect was under 5'10. This small, speedy Swede is strong with the puck and even stronger with the umlauts. We got one in the name? Check. We got one in the hometown? Also check. That blows to bits every bingo box on my clipboard when it comes to European prospects. What more are you looking for? A shooting range of nine? They have that too idiot, I already checked. Hey GMs, here's a free tip for you door knobs, did you know that you need goals to win hockey games? Well if you want goals, you've got them here.

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Not convinced? Well congratulations, you aren't special. Join the lineup of 30 other GMs that won't give me a second look. Just remember to come back here after the junior draft, just like last year, to see how right I was. I continue to stake my entire career on these rankings, and have more than once had to eat crow for an incorrect placement. You think I'm afraid of eating dead bird? It's not even that bad once you get through the bones. I do it because I like to, not because I have to.

Brought to you by Rusteze®

Demolish · 09-12-2020, 04:04 PM

This is funny and also slightly true

Calliope · 09-13-2020, 02:24 AM

I adore this. I'm looking forward to proving you right.

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