02-02-2021, 09:52 PM(This post was last modified: 02-02-2021, 09:54 PM by Kettellkorn.)
Hey guys, it’s me, Kettellkorn! I’ve found myself incredibly poor because I invested all my earnings into GameStop and of course I’m holding. That’s why I’ve decided to try my hand at writing my first ever piece of SHL media! Before continuing, this is all satire (and I’m not very funny), and I’m a horrible creative writer since I didn’t pay attention in high school. Any and all tips, and advice is more than appreciated. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!
It’s that time of the year again! That’s right, offseason! Now is the time to look at the future of the league and how we are going to provide sustainable growth over the coming years. I think the best way to go about this is through either rebranding/relocations, or expanding teams to reach a wider market. Without further ado, here are the 5 most pressing teams we need to see in the SHL in the next 10 years to sustain proper growth.
Moscow Mules: I don’t think I’m alone in saying it’s high time we bring and SHL team to Russia. And what are Russians often known for? Vodka, being tough as nails, and of course hockey. Attracting talent throughout the Motherland will be quite exciting and the possibility of building a team that could be categorized as “sniping enforcers” would be exciting to watch. Bringing back old school hockey is exactly what the league needs to see and immense rating boost.
Texas Trumps: This just logistically makes too much sense. Donald Trump is no longer president of the United States, he’s jobless and has so much free time on his hands, why not give him an SHL team? Trump has one of the most loyal and die hard fanbases of all time that would most certainly transfer to the hockey rink. Let’s not forget team merch which would be recycled from his MAGA campaign. Something like “Make All Goalies Accountants” or something like that, I don’t know, someone else can probably do better than that. Bright orange and yellow jerseys, I can see it now and all I can say is yes please!! I actually used to live in Texas, and let me tell you, hockey isn’t even on the back burner down there. But Trump, Trumps on the forefront of everyone’s mind. Love him or hate him, he will bring fans far and wide from the biggest state in the continental US and will be selling out massive arenas in no time.
Coney Island Grizzlies: “Glizzy pog champ bruh. This shits litty bruh.” I don’t know what any of that means because I’m older than 15 and I’ve never been on Tik Tok, but I’ve heard lots of kids say stuff like this. When I was a kid, everyone wore jerseys to school, sports was the cool thing. It seems this is not the case any longer. Sure kids are playing their sports video games every year, but most have never seen, nor had any interest in watching and actual game. They are glued to their screens creating memes and tik tioking. It’s time we change that. With a revolutionary marketing campaign led by only 12-16 year olds we will expand the reach of the league further than ever captivating the minds and hearts of the young. This will create life long fans and keep the league relevant for generations.
Game Stop Rockets: GameStop; once a whimpering shell of itself suddenly found itself in a much more favorable position thanks to the Reddit mob buying up all its stock in attempt to stick it to the man. This won’t last forever, their model is unsustainable and they need to find a way to bring in cash. How do they do it? Obviously turn every one of their stores into a pro shop and sponsor their very own hockey team. Don’t worry, the GameStop soul won’t be lost. Every concession stand and pro shop will buy any items you have on your person for 3% of the actual value for in store credit you can use for popcorn, or a Jersey, whatever you like! If this proves to be a success, the GameStop Rockets could be the very first traveling home team. With this influx of cash, GameStop can afford to buy out all the strip malls they currently find their box stores in, and turn them in to full size hockey rinks. Akin to WWE, the team would travel across the entire world attracting fans from every corner of the US!
The Earths Moon Raiders: For far too long hockey has been a sport held selfishly in the grasp of the earth’s atmosphere. No longer will this be the case. In a partnership with Elon Musk, and Space X, we will send hockey to the moon?. If this expansion is aproved it would bring in an incredible amount of capital, and of course better ratings. How do we know this? Narboza Manyhands @"nyumbayangu”, the first alien to be apart of the SHL, is the living breathing proof that we need to start expanding outward instead of inward. There’s a whole universe out there just waiting for us to ring hockey to them. Earth’s Moon is the first step in accomplishing that. Narboza can lead the charge here, taking the reigns of a brand new franchise meant to set the new standard for inclusivity across the entire sports world!
That about wraps it up! Now it’s time for me to ask, which of these 5 franchises would you most want to see pop up in the SHL?
Kettellkorn![[Image: TommySalami.gif]](https://sig.grumpybumpers.com/host/TommySalami.gif)
![[Image: OnGNB1G.gif]](https://i.imgur.com/OnGNB1G.gif)
![[Image: cgv4vCv.png]](http://i.imgur.com/cgv4vCv.png)
![[Image: 95lCCDx.png]](http://i.imgur.com/95lCCDx.png)
![[Image: KgwtJeY.png]](https://i.imgur.com/KgwtJeY.png)
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