06-21-2021, 09:12 AM(This post was last modified: 06-22-2021, 11:35 AM by bluesfan55.)
Bitchell van der Heijden is a Dutch-Swiss ice hockey player for the Hamilton Steelhawks who is also a huge asshole. Drafted by the Shitcorage Armada 11th overall in S50, van der Heijden sadly is widely recognized as one of the best players in the team's history, scoring 180 points in 200 games, winning the Challenge Cup with them in S51 and robbing Edward Williams of the S53 Ideen Falllah. He was then called up to the New Orleans Specters in S54, where despite his attitude problems and hatred of his elders, which was called out by the righteous Charlie Serpe since Serpe was right, van der Heijden scored the Challenge Cup-winning goal in Game 4 as the Specters swept Hamilton. New Orleans then promptly traded the young locker room cancer to New England, where he struggled to perform (hooray!) but showed glimpses of his unfortunate superstar potential (boo!). After three seasons in New England, the Wolfpack traded the slightly older locker room cancer to the Steelhawks, where he's bloomed into a better player (shit) and was a part of the team that robbed Buffalo of the S58 Challenge Cup (STAMPEDE 4 LYFE BABY FUCK HAMMY). van der Heijden currently resides in Bitchtown, USA.
ty to @High Stick King @EvilAllBran and @Ragnar for the sigs
Rinky McDangle is an Irish professional hockey player. Currently he plays for the Colorado Raptors and is a draftee of the Tampa Bay Barracudas.
McDangle is a complete fraud. Of the four goals he scored in his first season in the SMJHL not one actually went in off his stick. He is better known at this time for his butt shot !! He glides around the ice like a piece of that Waterford Crystal to which he has alluded on several occasions. His “laissez - faire” attitude prevalent in his young and not so illustrious career can be attributed to his Irish roots or perhaps his wannabe flower child parents. His lack of commitment can also be seen in his attitude towards practice. McDangle, it seems, exerts himself more putting on his shin pads than he does participating in line rushes. It comes as no surprise that the coaching staff only puts him on the ice for less than 9 minutes per game. In any event, McDangle will have to recommit himself to the game if he wishes to succeed at any higher level of hockey. Don’t mistake me. McDangle has all the talent required to become a force in the league, but attaining this is all on him !
Strom Chamberlain
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Strom Chamberlain (born Strom Chamberlain 8 October 1984) is a professional hockey player in the Simulation Hockey League who plays for the Winnipeg Aurora (formerly Winnipeg Jets) as well as an amateur tattoo artist. After practically being a nobody during his years of minor and beer league play, he earned an invite to the Anaheim Outlaws training camp after winning a Karaoke contest at a local bar.
Chamberlain became infamous in the Simulation Hockey League after being exposed as a racist in his dislike for falcons, smelly armpits and cephalopods. His infamy among players increased with rumors that he had one tiny "carnie" hand that he kept hidden from public eye, but used it to influence cheating during post-season playoff events. He's also banned from selling hair tonic to bald eagles in Omaha, Nebraska, and has been reportedly been thrown out of casinos in Las Vegas with accusations of card-counting and profiteering. He also boils his pizza.
Miguel Hefeweizen claims to be some sort of hockey player, but as far as I can tell, he’d be far more successful doing something else, like selling used cars, or as a door to door salesman selling solar panels for your home. So far, he’s had two very unremarkable seasons in the SMJHL, before being kicked out of Maine and traded to St. Louis. His name is also kind of confusing, like he’s some sort of failed cultural beer fusion that’s confused on whether it should be drunk in a biergarten, or on the beach in Cancun, two places that are complete opposites from one another. I’ve also heard that he claims to be a good cook, but that several teammates have gotten food poisoning after eating Miguel’s food, which I wouldn’t even feed to starving, stray dogs. Finally, what’s with that greasy, pathetic attempt at a porn-stache? The 1980’s called, Miguel, and they want their creepy pedo facial hair back.
Early life:
Chimkin Wing was born as Chimkin Tendy in Serbia. His father is the Texas Renegades. He changed his name to Chimkin Wing because he couldn’t cut it as a goalie, so in his cowardice he moved to the wing, where he also isn’t very good at hockey. Additionally, Chimkin Wing puts “ph” in reply to point tasks instead of just doing the god damn point task when he has time, like it matters where in the fucking PT thread his post is at. Truly an insufferable person for that.
Personal life:
In addition, all he eats is borscht and he smells like garlic and seal blubber.
Playing career:
Somehow he plays in the SHL even though he’s not even good enough to play in the SMJHL.
Career statistics:
Goalie stats that are irrelevant now that he’s a forward and also because goalies in FHM are completely random in how they play.
I think like maybe 8 points in 66 games in his SHL debut.
See also:
He sux lmao
Sigs by Me, Merica, High Stick King, Rum_Ham, Jess, vulfzilla, enigmatic, and Carpy
Rhys "Doo Doo" Pritchard (Born 6/9/69) is somehow a hockey player that manages to keep a job because he's absolutely terrible. Pritchard claims to be born in Wales, UK, but was actually spawned by Satan into existence and sent to Earth to suck at hockey and be a drain on his SHL team. He was drafted 4th overall by the Toronto North Stars in S52 and has been a net Negative to his team ever since. Pritchard has never appeared on a league leaderboard in any stat that matters and should have probably gone undrafted. In Junior hockey, he bribed the judges to win rookie of the year in S51 and then was dragged to a Four Star Cup by his veteran teammates on the Anaheim Outlaws. The following seasons, S53 - S54 Pritchard was named the Captain and that move coincided with the downfall of the Outlaws. The following season, S55, Pritchard was promoted to Toronto and has been leading the league in sucking ever since. He just signed a 3 year deal worth an ungodly $6M per year. What in the world is Toronto leadership doing?
Sig Cred: Carpy, ML, RainDelay, Donini & Geekusoid
Roderic Banes was born in Vancouver, BC and it's been downhill since then. His hair is bad, he's got no flow. He is allegedly a hockey player for the Carolina Kraken, but seems to spend more time working on his 6-pack abs than he does practicing his on-ice moves. He's a dingus with no class, and should stick to playing beach volleyball before he gets sand all over this ice. Additionally, since being drafted by the Montreal Patriotes, he has reduced the value of their prospect pool to ZERO. Worst hockey player to ever lace up skates. He once ordered a coleslaw to go from a BBQ restaurant, and then just threw it at the cashier. He then looked them dead in the eyes and said: "this is deeply indicative of who I am as a person." The sooner this bum retires, the sooner we can all get back to playing hockey for realsies, and not being dumb, ugly tourists to the sport. Did I mention he has bad hair?
"Long" John Donair (aka "The Sauce", "King", "Long John Silver's") (born 1/1/1975) is a Russian-American hockey player who plays whatever position he fucking wants for the Los Angeles Panthers of the Simulation Hockey League. Donair was not selected in the S56 Entry draft with any pick worth something. Originally picked up because his skillset resembles that of a top-tier janitor (and the Panthers have been dealing with dessert and chili spill problems at their stadium since SHL Hall of Famer Danny "Bananas" Foster played there in the late S30's), Donair played very well for the Anaheim Outlaws of the Simulation Major Junior Hockey League (SMJHL). He was captain for the Outlaws for one season only to be mostly mentally fatigued due to in-LR drama. That has since been eliminated. Donair has been described by SHL scouts as "evidently human", "a guy who can tie skates at least semi-successfully every single time he tries", and "honestly, thought I was getting a sandwich". He currently resides in Los Angeles with his 11 dogs, with whom he often simulates set pieces from previous games.
Videl Valor is nothing more than some bum skater from a non hockey market of Japan, I mean, didn’t she get beat up by a guy on steroids? I mean look at her body form, she isn’t even fit for hockey! Oh my god, why is she playing in a league that she’ll be destroyed in, it’s clear that she can’t go against a male. She was even drafted twice for heck’s sake! She signed for some Mickey Mouse team by the name of the Outlaws of Anaheim, sounds like a not so good franchise. And as expected, she’s invisible on the team and she only put up a lackluster 13 points, what is for, a bottom 6 forward who is only a situational player? Why did Manhattan select her, she doesn’t even have what it takes to leave an impact on that club, they’ll be terrible for years to come because they selected her.
There are a lot of players these days who go on to near-max earn after their SHL draft. These players can sometimes make big impacts on teams very early in their careers as they start their SHL journey near 1k tpe and quickly climb the ranks. Lucas Johansson however, is not one of those prospects. He's got as much work ethic as he has good looks, which means to say none. I mean just look at his tpe totals compared to his draft class, is he even trying? he's entering his 2nd SHL season now and wont even hit 1k before the start of the season. What did he do, take a season off or something? The league is full of top earners and unfortunately, Lucas Johansson has shown that he isn't even close to being considered one of them. The only good thing I can say about him is at least he won't break the bank for Baltimore.
Bayley Winnipeg Aurora
S13, S15, S16, S25 Challenge Cup Champion
Teylora Petrov plays for the New England Wolfpack of the Simulation Hockey League. He plays for the New England Wolfpack which is a team that has not been very successful lately. He is a person that everyone debated to pass on because everyone thought that he would be a bust just like his agency. There has not been a good player from the Bayley agency for a while and Petrov was supposed to be just another. Since, he has really played well defensively, but cannot play offense to save his life. He needs to play better, but he will get better soon. He looks to rebuild his player as the new update scale but it probably will not help. He will continually have a bad statline and he keeps saying he will get better. Will it happen? We are waiting to see.
Then, it will go into more of my stats and all of my accomplishments which is basically just one award in the SMJHL for Sportsmanship.
Slavakov Vladimirashenko is a bum of player currently on the roster of the Newfoundloser Berserkers. His current accomplishments so far in his career include absolutely nothing of value other than a pity award given to him by the commissioner since they felt so sorry for his failure on the ice. How he grifted Edmonton into wasting a first-round pick on him is surprising, but it’s not like he’s ever going to play in the SHL since he’s just a waste of a roster spot. Surprisingly, they gave this guy the Federation Head job of Japan, even though I bet he couldn’t tell the difference between his head and his foot. Even more surprisingly, he ended up getting a gold medal in his first season. While that sounds impressive, we all know that Ryuuji Minamino did everything, but good of Slavakov to just ride the coattails of his more successful partner. And besides, no one who’s friends with Jukka Timonen is worth talking about.
163 Words
hievements 5: Named Assistant Captain of Kelowna : Drafted 6 OA by Calgary : Named Captain of Kelowna
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