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r0tzbua · 06-22-2021, 02:27 PM

Finn von Murphenstein is a hockey player that recently got called up after spending three mediocre seasons in the SMJHL where he belonged. In a whim his SHL team, the Tampa Bay Barracuda, decided to call him up to make him suck at a whole new level. While he should play on a non existent 8th line he somehow made his way into the lineup for the team and will actually see ice time this season which baffles hockey analysts and fans a lot. In his "career" so far he has not accounted for anything of importance and will never do, so if your team is not the Tampa Bay Barracuda you can be very happy about him being called up, although fans of TBB will have a great reason to get mad this season and see him suck wherever he goes and continues to go. People said Tampa Bays window would open soon and the leadership makes great decisions but the general public agrees that this decision goes against everything that has been decided before and seemed smart. [citation needed]

BigTittySmitty · 06-22-2021, 03:22 PM

PBE PT

Pingy Pingu · 06-22-2021, 03:22 PM

Monsieur Pingy Pingu Lunga Gumba is a paperweight of a player who plays for the Detroit Falcons. He was not even drafted in the SMJHL for season 59, He was just called up from some hockey team in the middle of nowhere called Penguin Town Thrashers. He made no effort in his rookie season and scored almost no points. He likes to pursuade others about his big potential and his claim that he will go up to stardom, but he has nothing to show for it. He was not good enough to play center so he was stuck playing winger for his whole rookie season. Monsieur Pingy Pingu Lunga Gumba Esq is not a very important player, but he is a player so we are obligated to make him a wiki page. It is not known why he was signed to the Detroit Falcons at all, only that he likes to shout "OOGLEY BOOGLEY" all the time.

LB3737 · 06-22-2021, 03:44 PM

Unbeknownst to all of us how, Shane Duffy Jr. is a professional hockey player currently playing in the Simulation Major Junior Hockey League. Born in Cork, Ireland in the year 1989 this Irish fuck someone managed to get himself drafted in the first round of the S58 SMJHL draft by the Quebec City Citadelles, and then again in the first round of the S59 draft by the Los Angeles Panthers. God those GMs are stupid. This clown of a Right Winger is also accustomed to playing Center for the Quebec City Citadelles and is extremely unfamiliar with the process of scoring or assisting goals. In his first season with QCC he managed to piggyback all the way to a Four Star Cup, as if you ask anyone in his circle they will all tell you that he had nothing to do with the teams success and was just there to fill up the numbers. As of now Duffy Jr. has basically faded into irrelevance and there is nothing more to say about him at this time.

Kyamprac · 06-22-2021, 05:23 PM

Sarah Burke is a professional hockey player in the Simulation Hockey League who plays for the Winnipeg Aurora (formerly Winnipeg Jets). Despite several seasons of mediocre performance on her college team, Burke happened to play a handful of great games conveniently when some scouts were there to observe. As a result, she was invited to join the St. Louis Scarecrows training camp, and her coaches seized the opportunity to enthusiastically encourage her to take her career down south.. all the while hoping she wouldn't come back to impact their hopes of ever winning a championship.

St. Louis quickly learned Burke was about as effective at blocking pucks as a ghost and ended up not drafting her when the time came. However, Vancouver took a chance at a project player and Burke successfully rode the coattails of her teammates all the way to the Four Star Cup in Season 56. Despite having contributed almost nothing to the win, the success went to Burke's head and she became a notoriously toxic locker room presence. It wasn't until she was traded twice in the SHL that Burke came down a peg and learned a literal walrus has more hockey skills in his fin than she has in her entire body. Today she spends her time racking up a ridiculous +/- with Winnipeg, who might wise up and trade her for someone bigger and better someday. Time will tell.

DeletedAtUserRequest · 06-22-2021, 05:32 PM

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Graphic Task: Make a goofy looking picture of your current or past player. What would a hater edit onto your photo? Buck teeth? A giant butt? (Must include 3 noticeable edits to the existing photo)

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TheFlash · 06-22-2021, 09:37 PM

Kasperi Braulin, born who the hell cares in some random country somewhere near Russia probably, was a goalie for the Vancouver Whalers who blew it! Braulin was quickly thrusted into the starting position after the great Daco suspension of season 48, and seemingly had the league in the palm of his hands. After guiding his team to a four star cup win, his career was derailed in a terrible third season. Not only did he perform way below expectations, the team as a whole took a hit and Kasperi’s stock dropped quick. After securing a future role with the West Kendall Platoon, Braulin seemingly lost the desire to play the game in North America. As many great Europeans have done, Braulin up and left and returned to Russia, never to be seen in the SHL again. What started out as a sure fire great career, ended in an instant and a potential hall of famed was lost to the grasps of Mother Russia. Twelve seasons later, that bum is retired and works as a scout or something dumb. What a waste!

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goilers · 06-22-2021, 09:58 PM

Sophia Bennett was born in raised in Brandon Manitoba. You all probably haven’t even heard of the place it’s in a field with wheat rolling over the roads from what I heard. I’m not even sure if they play hockey there.
Anyways she was drafted in S34 to the Vancouver Whalers 2nd overall & yes we are all just as surprised as you are. She somehow won rookie of the year & brought in two cups but she was pretty much carried throughout juniors.
Once again she was drafted to the SHL going 6th overall to the Los Angeles Panthers who moved up in the draft for her… are you kidding me. This short forward does not belong in the first round. The Panthers keep her around for so long I/we started feeling bad for them until she became a team suitcase going from team to team. & to top this all off she somehow managed to get into the hall of fame after been carried her entire career.

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Matteo · 06-22-2021, 10:03 PM

Mat Smith is a unique player in the SHL, having the honour of being the single wors player in SHL history to be nominated for the rookie of the year and make the all-rookie team. Of course he only did both of these things by virtue of being the only goalie in his rookie class. Looking at his rookie season things weren't much different, as when his team, the Quebec City Citadelles, dragged him kicking and screaming to a Laurifer Trophy win he couldn't put it together in the playoffs which ended up costing his team. To fight this the next season his team ended up basically just tying him to the net like Goldberg at the beginning of Mighty Ducks, which seemed to work for them because they actually somehow won the Four-Star Cup with this scrub in net. Looking at the future, you'd think the only way to go is up for Mat Smith but you'd be surprised at the incredible and unprecedented new lows that he can truly achieve.

karlssens · 06-22-2021, 10:08 PM

Karlstraße Scholz, son of softest SHL Hall of Famer Nikolaus Scholz, is a professional hockey playing for the Edmonton Blizzard in the Simulation Hockey League. Drafted 112th overall in the S46 SHL Entry Draft, his draft stock plummeted due to his garbage attitude and lackadaisical work ethic on and off the ice. If not for the fact his father was GM at the time it's very likely he would have done undrafted and returned to his home town Echternach in Luxembourg to tend to the orchard with his lesser known and even less talented brother Barnaby Scholz. Fortunately for Karlstraße, Nikolaus and Blizzard fans everywhere he turned out to be a half decent depth pick and even played a part in the S49 Challenge Cup winning season. When all is said and done it's possible he may even surpass his father accomplishment wise, which isn't really a high bar considering the longevity of his career and lack of accomplishments to show for it.

Highhaschdi · 06-22-2021, 10:26 PM

High Haschdi is a professional hockey player in the Simulation Hockey League or rather in the junior league, the SMJHL. The young man from Germany currently plays for the Anaheim Outlaws and led his team in his rookie season to an 0-4 series loss against Maine Timbers in the first round of the playoffs where he played a major role in it. Apart from that, he's known for not getting much ice time in the SMJHL and in the WJC as well. Nobody knows why, but he was selected to Finland last year and the DACH squad this year, where he didn't even get to dress for the important games, but he's having two gold medals now without doing anything. The Texas Renegades were the poor team that somehow selected him in the first round this draft, but he probably won't ever step on the ice in the big league with that skillset and he might have a chance to be the biggest bust in Texas history.

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Highhaschdi · 06-22-2021, 10:28 PM

sorry double post

Pickle Juice · 06-22-2021, 10:53 PM

Ty Murphy

Height: 5’8”

Weight: 190 pounds

Ty Murphy is a “hockey player” that was selected by Hamilton at 15th overall in the most recent SHL despite only having 13 points in the SMJHL his rookie season. Talk about a trash pick by a trash organization. Ty Murphy claims he’s from Ireland but doesn’t even have an Irish accent and walks like an American. This little fatty hasn’t won shit in this league and he never will, the man can’t even skate. He just passes and passes, couldn’t hit the broad side of the barn. Other teams love playing Detroit when he is on the ice because its free turnovers all night long. The over/under on his predicted season goals this year is 3, and my money is on the under at -1500. His Martha Stewart looking ass bends more than that robot on Futurama and that is his only accomplishment this far in life.

Keenan · 06-22-2021, 11:39 PM

Gregory Baade

Gregory Baade is an ice hockey "player" for the Anchorage Armada in the SMJHL. He was drafted 2nd overall to the San Francisco Pride in the S58 SHL Draft, in what several top experts have described as "one of mankind's greatest disasters". Baade is listed as a defenseman in most media guides, but those seem to be using the loosest definition of defenseman there is, seeing as this man provides no defense. I could lead all defensemen in points too if I ignored all the less flashy duties of the job and just hung out as an extra forward for over 20 minutes a game, and I haven't left this chair in 39 hours. Baade is the son of former SHL defenseman Clayton Baade, who is most famous as a journeyman: which in the sporting world means, player who sucks so much that they get passed around like mono at a spin the bottle competition. Gregory, however, seems poised to somehow be a worse player than his father, a feat so mathematically impossible its solution should be the 8th Millennium Prize Problem.

**leafs1997** · 06-22-2021, 11:54 PM

If anyone's going to write a warped Wikipedia about Vlastislav Malik, it's gonna be Cian McFelter. Who needs enemies when you've got friends like that eh? Anyways, it'd go something like this:

Vlastislav Malik, aged 56 years old, is a fourth line left winger, currently playing for the Simulation Hockey League's New Orleans Specters. He is rated as one of the worst busts of all time even though he's just a rookie now with NOLA. New Orleans picked him #4 in the SHL draft but he hasn't panned out at all. He may be just a rookie this season, but his time with his SMJHL team clearly showed a lack of skill on both ends of the ice. He averaged a measly 3 goals in his junior career. Factor in the fact that he only got 6 assists over his 4 junior seasons and you've got a player that has no finish nor any ability to make his teammates better. It was widely expected that NOLA would expose him in the recent expansion draft, but apparently they don't want to give up on Malik yet.

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