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SFresh3 · 06-26-2021, 04:59 PM

Ryu Jones missing the Empty Net
[Image: tRCRGJB.jpg]

*NorwegianDemon* · 06-26-2021, 05:20 PM

Salzberger Lillehammersson is a hockey player who is currently playing for the Detroit Falcons in the SMJHL. He was born in the city of Lillehammer in Norway. He played for Team World in the S58 and S59 World Juniors Championship. He was picked in the second round of the S59 SHL draft by the Atlanta Inferno who still hold his rights up to this day. Unfortunately for him, North Americans are unable to pronounce his name correctly and he often gets refers to as Jerry. There is some talk around Detroit that Salzberger might actually be a ghost, because people seem to forget that he is actually playing by reason of his woeful performances that he seems to be accumulating. He has also gained the nickname of piano since coming to Detroit, because people think the only explanation of how slow he skates can be explained by the fact that he is carrying a piano while he is on the ice.

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*fishy* · 06-26-2021, 06:14 PM

Aron Hernadivic, left winger and sometimes right wonder of the simulation hockey leagues Buffalo stampede, a member of the Great Lakes, I mean northeast division of the eastern conference, had some nasty things written about him on his personal Wikipedia page.
Some of the nasty things written included, and I quote:
“what the FUCK is up ARON no what did you say WHAT THE FUCK DUDE STEP THE FUCK UP ARON” and
“Aron’s momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number”.

In the end, whoever wrote these things on Aron’s Wikipedia page were obviously deeply hurt by Aron in the past. Potential candidates include Alester Cain, who seems to still hold a deep grudge against Buffalo years after Buffalo cooked him in Game 7, Jack Kanoff for not being as good as Aron, and jaska seppala as he seems to think that Aron’s presence in the lineup is holding seppala back.

The proper authorities have been noted and we will follow this story closely to determine the culprit.

*Festinator* · 06-26-2021, 08:10 PM

Jonas Kahnwald is a German hockey player hailing from Leipzig (more like lamezig) Germany. He started his career off with the Newfoundland Berserkers and this is where he was carried, quite literally carried as a soaking wet rookie to his first ever championship. Somehow he was nominated for the rookie of the year award after being carried by probably the most stacked Newfoundland team the J has ever seen. Did I mention this boy was carried? Luckily he lost the rookie vote in a landslide to an actual good rookie in Rock Strongo. Kuntwald also won the Quilha Agante award that I originally thought was given to the best dman in the SMJHL but must have been recently changed to be given to the biggest bitch in the J. The vote wasn't even close. Had it still been a defenceman award it would definitely have gone to Jasper Maximov that season. Now Kahnwimp plays for the LA Panthers and has been dragging them down to first round playoff exits ever since. May the lord have mercy on their souls.

Toivo · 06-26-2021, 09:35 PM

This guy was drafted first overall in the S49 Draft, that’s like be the 5th best in the S50 draft class. He left the team that drafted him to take part in an expansion team’s start and did not make much noise during that stay. He signed and traded with a top team that went onto win a cup without too much help in the process. After failing to repeat, the guy left town faster than my dad. Who knows how much he has left in his tank. He was fourth in scoring but wasn’t good enough otherwise to be an all star last season. He was born in Mexico to American parents, but used that loophole to play for Switzerland and fail to bring them a world championship. No awards, no shine, he’s a star that is hard to find on the score sheet and rarely passes the eye test. No one is sure how much is left in the gas tank.

*Ferda* · 06-26-2021, 10:15 PM

augustus wang is a stain on this league because he has an above average intelligence and a big head for this small brain. unfortunately, augustus wang falters because he always refuses to use his brain for any good and chooses to promote the best supplier of goods in SHL in SHL Kush. he constantly promotes his coupon code WANG20 at every chance he gets and you can tell hes on some of the stuff you're able to purchase on SHL Kush's premium online storefront. it has gotten to the point that you may consider the SHL's rapid adoption of goods from SHL Kush as a plague upon the skill and overall well being of the league's best players. not only are they recovering better, but they're also always under the influence because SHL Kush's products are so good that you're always relaxed and in a good mood, both of which are extremely valuable in a fast paced and stressful game such as hockey.

gaby · 06-26-2021, 11:21 PM

Ti-Guy Emond is a former useless pylon who played for the Colorado Mammoths, the Toronto North Stars, the Seattle Riot, the Tampa Bay Barracuda and the Minnesota Chiefs. His presence alone made sure these teams had no chance of winning when he was in their line up. That's right 0 cups for this loser and below 20 career goals total. The user behind that player tried to create a defensive d-man but completely failed and turned Emond into a goon not even good enough to win the Turd Ferguson Trophy once in his shitty career. Remember the Hamilton rule that didn't allow players to have a gap of more than 15 points between passing and scoring because it broke the game? Well Ti-Guy had that gap his entire career but of course because he's totally clueless, it was scoring that was at minimum and not passing. Couldn't even exploit Simon T correctly, a walking mistake that won't be missed.

AL GRINGO · 06-27-2021, 01:28 AM

PBE Welfare

Dextaria · 06-27-2021, 01:40 AM

Ryosuke Sato is a quite the below average SHL player. Drafted 2nd overall in the S54 SHL Entry Draft, Sato has amounted to quite literally nothing in his time from the SMJHL to the SHL. In the SMJHL, one season defined his career quite nicely when in S55 he had 0 goals and 8 assists for only 8 points in the entire season. Keep in mind he was supposed to be a veteran in the league and yet he was getting beat by the likes of rookies in their first season. How did this guy even make it to the SHL after that? The guy is one of the smallest and lightest players on the ice who anyone can send flying by just touching him. No size, no grit, no scoring, what does he even have? He has been carried on all the teams he has been on by MUCH better players and still he is a offensive and defensive liability. Ryosuke Sato should just quit the league and try another sport as it is clear that the SHL and hockey in general is not working out for him.

st4rface · 06-27-2021, 02:08 AM

Aumy Jr. is an amateuer hockey player who plays as a defender in an unknown hockey league called SHL. He comes from Finland which plays really bad in last seasons in IIHF. Aumy Jr. is 20 years old. He is short fatty which is 210 lbs fat and only 6’3’ short. He’s paying respect to Slovakian hockey legend Marcel Hossa and that’s why he is wearing number 81.

He started his career in SMJHL, where he played for Colorado Raptors full four seasons, where they sucked a lot. In these four seasons they weren’t able to do anything big and it looks like they still struggle to get Four Star Cup till this day. After multiple seasons going undrafted, Buffalo Stampede finally selected him in like last round.

They signed 3-year deal which recently ended. After that, they signed another 3-year extension and now he’s a real team player for Buffalo Stampede which has lost 2 seasons in a row in SHL Finals - once versus Hamilton Steelhawks and second time - versus Texas Renegades.

Long story short - he’s an average player with pretty chaotic history in this league. Such an egoistic douchebag.

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Nerio · 06-27-2021, 02:27 AM

Bobby Sharp is a wannabe "all-star" hockey player that only has experienced any kind of success in the league due to the people around him and the teams he's been on. His entire career, starting from his first junior season in Kelowna, he has been surrounded by the best talent possible. His line mates set records for goals and points while he didn't even manage to break a point per game, his team made countless pushes to the finals but came up short when they needed him to step up, and SHL teams took notice. Even though on paper he was a shoe in for top 10 in the draft, he fell all the way to the 18th spot. His time in Buffalo was no different. Constantly outclassed by his linemates and carried by veterans like Passamus, Marius, and rising stars like Luffy and recently Kholin. Before his time ended in Buffalo, he took the spotlight from younger talent and Buffalo failed to win a championship AGAIN. Now that he has been outcast to an expansion team, his true colors are showing. 1 point in 8 games. Can you believe it? What a joke. Worthless player, negative hall of fame votes, can't even win medals on a stacked USA team. Pathetic.]

Sidenote: not a great PT, I shit on myself enough in my personal life I don't need to do it here

inverted · 06-27-2021, 02:34 AM

Drafted at the who fucking cares position in the very first round some how Zayne Rotzbua has proven that he is barely able to skate, much less play hockey. He prides himself on being the "toughest" and "baddest" dude in the simulation hockey league, constantly going off about his hit numbers, fights and time spent in the penalty box. This is an attitude that has shockingly got him in very little trouble in the league. Many modern hockey fans believe that this barbariuc attitude has no place in todays game and if he's not even going to try to develop the necessary skills to even resemble a professional hockey player than he should not be allowed to play. He frequently targets the leagues best players and has shown no remorse for causing blood to spill on the ice. Some experts say that, Ironically, Rotzbua might propel the game into a more sophisticated future where such violence is less tolerated.

Hazack · 06-27-2021, 02:42 AM

Roboute Guilliman- This man is something of a legend and it stinks. Abaddon should have been the one to receive the emperors sword. His breath stinks and his legion is the worst. Its the worst colors blue blue and more blue. He has no idea how to run his troops. I am shocked he has not ended up like the lunar wolves getting turned to chaos because of his stupidity. Dont get me started on his ability to play hockey. He is a puck hog and starts way to many fights. His work ethic is trash and I have no idea what he does in practice. It must be the biggest fluke in the world that he recieved playoff MVP because he clearly didnt deserve it. There was plenty of other players who played better then he did. Hes so bad that BAP traded him away. he doesnt show up to practice and hes always gone so how can he even play?

***Canadice*** · 06-27-2021, 04:35 AM

The career of Tomas Lind has not been a fruitful one. Coming into the league as a soft Swede from the North, Tomas has not really shown any indication of toughening up. He has also been seen coming to the rink in track suits when the good old Canadian boys are dressed up as is custom. I would be disgracing my love for chickens by calling Lind that, but he has not being making an impact on the ice as was spouted in his scouting reports. I am constantly reminded of another Tomas while watching Lind, specifically Tomas Sandström who spent years performing intricate ballet moves to get away from hits. Lind plays with no heart, with a visor protecting his sensitive face, falling all over the place whenever he is touched, and he is only here taking money from another deserving Canadian boy that should be allowed to take a place in the league.

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lilstifler · 06-27-2021, 04:55 AM

Krish Darzinsh was born in Latvia (as I would not like to live there). He spent his youth on the home side of the country (amateur). Later, when he was tired of being an amateur, he moved across the ocean to finally feel real men's hockey, which he has so far been unable to do. He has a brother who, I suppose, is better in all areas of life where possible, because how can this worm be better than others. When he got into the great hockey, it was clear at once that, if we could call him, nothing would come, because he couldn't really skate, not to mention the technique of sticks. For nothing, he was not admitted to the youth draft ceremony. Although he is currently in the Seattle team, he does not play the first violin there, because his roles on the team are busy. I assume even I would be better than him. He was fine, of course, trying to prove himself very well at the World Championships in Hockey, but it was a short moment overshadowed by his alcohol problems (a joke). This briefly, if you want more detailed information about this guy or others, give a message, let me tell you everything.

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