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DollarAndADream · 06-27-2021, 05:01 AM

Mikael Choybuk is a player on the Calgary Dragons, so you know he comes from a city of losers. Not only is he so used to losing, but he also has to be one of the worst shooters in the entire SHL. He might think he is all that, but in fact he gets way more recognition than he deserves. Choybuk is not any more than a SMJHL player, and should have stayed there. If you're talking about chicken parms, he can't even tell the difference between a good and bad meal. Choybuk once thought he ate a chicken parm, but it was only spaghetti. He did not even know the difference. Mikael Choybuk's entire SHL career has just been him coasting around the front of the net while the rest of his line mates do all the work. All of his goals have come from the hard work of the rest of his team. He has been nothing but garbage.

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taterswc · 06-27-2021, 05:45 AM

Makrus “The Loser” Jager is a wannabe hockey player in the simulation hockey league. Jager was allegedly born in Kassel Germany, but no records seem to exist to support this claim. Makrus Jager has never been registered on a professional or amateur team in Germany. The truth is Jager likely made up these stories to better sell himself to a SMJHL team.
Jager plays for the Vancouver Whalers as a center. If you can call it playing. He only had 3 points in his rookie season. Jager’s second season did not fair much better with only 25 points. He was out scored by several rookies on his team. Jager is currently playing in his third season and is somehow on the first line. Its still early in the season and the Whalers have time to rethink that decision.
There is speculation that Makrus Jager could be the Vancouver player that is wanted in Germany. WZZT’s Jenny Reid did a report on an anonymous hockey player that faked his death after becoming a wanted fugitive in Germany. Nothing has been confirmed yet about if this was referring to Jager or another player in Vancouver.

WildfireMicro · 06-27-2021, 07:03 AM

ISFL affiliate PT

Gaia Mormont · 06-27-2021, 08:51 AM

Sekai Wollker was thought to be the next great one. The chosen one as it were. But has this scrub been nothing but a great disappointment to the delight of all his haters. All fourteen of them... but what they make up for in lack of numbers, is they relish in intensity of the hate of him.

Sekai Wollker deserves to be pushed into a volcano frankly. A complete waste of a tailored uniform and barely even an Outlaw in real life.

Should there ever come a time when Sekai was to find himself without a hand and clinging desperately to a Tibanna gas mine, no one will come for him. No one would hear his pleas for help. Well, they would but honestly, no one would care. Let him fall and let the Emperor rule the galaxy in the best way he sees fit. With an evil cackle and a purple light saber. And also a weird face. Seriously. Just ugg.

Zema · 06-27-2021, 08:57 AM

Alexander Oscarsson, born in fuck do I know somwhere in Sweden, is a "professional" hockey player. He started out as a forward before sucking so much he swapped into defence, where he continued his trend of sucking. He was drafted by the Maine Timber at 21st overall in what was considered a reach by many. After spending 4 seasons sucking down in the SMJHL where he somehow got made captain. Maybe that's why Maine still hasn't won a 4-star yet.

He moved up to New England, got to play a season and a half before stabbing them in the back and moving to San Fran Pride. Here he hasn't made an impact (shocker). For some reason he's being put on the first d-pairing still. Maybe someday they'll learn.

His international career is a bit more redeemable. Two silvers in the WJC and 0 games played in the IIHF. Sweden knows what they're doing in regards to Oscarsson.

Cobbenstein · 06-27-2021, 09:46 AM

Patrick Shepherd is an American traitor professional ice hockey player. Being born in the United States, Patrick started playing boring hockey at an early age before garner some attention and getting drafted too high by the Maine Timber. After underperforming during his rookie season he was given a chance to play for the United States at the IIHF World Junior Championship where he won a gold medal for doing basically nothing. After another disappointing season with the Timber, Shepherd made his most infamous move. He transferred from the United States at IIHF to join a weak Ireland team despite winning a gold with the United States. He was rewarded unjustly by being taken too high in the first round by the Baltimore Platoon. This is where is career took a turn for the worst and he continued to underperform and be an overall disappointment until the Platoon got a chance to dump him off in the expansion draft where he was taken by the Philadelphia Forge.

Jumbobone19 · 06-27-2021, 09:50 AM

Lord Raiden (Simulation Hockey League)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Lord Raiden is a hockey player for the Baltimore Platoon in the SHL. He first entered the league on, it doesn't really matter because his presence is forgettable. His nickname is Lord of Slumber because he looks like he is sleeping on the ice all the time. He has never amounted to anything in his career. His biggest claim to fame is his -5 and 6 Giveaways to the Tampa Bay Barracuda, who are by far a much superior team.

Lord Raiden's only chance of becoming a relevant player in the league is the hope of being traded to a team like the Tampa Bay Barracuda or the Hamilton Steelhawks. But then again such teams don't need such a worthless player, but he could ride the pine to a Cup. Really there is no hope for Raiden, so he might as well give up and retire before the embarrassment becomes much worse.

-162 words

iamslm22 · 06-27-2021, 10:05 AM

Stan Q Next

Stan Q Next is one of hte worst players in the history of the SHL and I mean he is just a bum. He has done absolutely nothing in his SHL Career and is a waste of space on the Atlanta Inferno. This supposed "two way" center is really just a 0 way center. I mean the guy can't do anything at all. He cannot score or shoot, he cannot pass, he cannot check or mark his man, he does not block shots, he does not skate well. Stan Q Next is a B U M BUM. Like I dont even know why you are reading this wikipedia page, it is wasting your time. It is a waste of my time to write a wiki about this straight ass bum. He has never won anything, he has not played well, he is just a straight up bad player who is not that good. That's a guy who is wasting your time.

PremierBromanov · 06-27-2021, 10:08 AM

Tom fidler is a fuckin hockey puck who won't meditat on the flat earth his shorts are full of cheese steaks and he can't skate faster than a 3 year old he's always treating us like he's strnger than us but the boy can't lay a pipe like i do and he never said fuck the penltys he's just a down low Joe with clown shoes one time in Vegas Tom fiddler thought he was bigger than his britches and made a big talk about doing blow off of hookers but the truth is that he got a boner right away and couldn't do two lines some captain he is walking around in clown shoes can't even fit them in his skates Terry Bradshaw whispered to me the prophet that Tom fiddler us a jabroni who shouldn't be captain he should step down to let a real man of steel fill those shoes a man who knows about the flat earth and can score goals

trella · 06-27-2021, 10:46 AM

amabacus cuddles was born on monday the 86th of the 6th month of flat earth calendar but who cares about all that amabacus is tall and mean the guy is like 3 shaqs in a trench coat kinda like trella when he goes to buy juul pods amabacus cuddles is a fan favorite here in tamoa bay cuz he gets down and dirty he likes to show that hokey pokey dopey tom diddler how to get jiggly with it that guy tom fiddler thinks hes all that but he doesnt even think the earth is flat so what does that say about him amabacus cuddles likes to scream fuck the penalyies and also likes to fuck tom fiddlers mom all night also we should tax luke more like puke though that dude is a corrupt rockefeller type who uses his stolen funds to SMEAR FHN AND THE GOOD NAME OF TERRY BRADSHAW

Thanks to @karey and @JSS for the sigs!

Former USA Fed Head, Carolina Kraken Co-GM, Tampa Bay Barracuda GM

Gifter of Bikes · 06-27-2021, 10:47 AM

Eero Makela is a “professional” hockey player, currently playing on the embarrassingly bad Nevada Battleborn. He’s kind of a waste of space for the franchise and has a lowly 1 assist in 9 games. Of course, the rest of the team is dogshit awful as well, scoring only 9 goals in those games. Makela can’t skate, can’t hit, can’t shoot, and trips over the blue line as if it were made of barbed wire. I’ve never been as disgusted as I am as when I watch Makela and the Battleborn play; if Two Girls, One Cup were a hockey team, they would be more fun to watch than this disgrace, headed up by the boneheaded Makela and his merry band of misfits. Maybe someday he stops being a pile of flaming hippopotamus diarrhea, but I doubt it; it’s hard to outgrow being a horrible hockey player. There’s only so far that effort will take a player if their starting point is Grand Central Station public toilet jizz stain.

arturs33 · 06-27-2021, 11:10 AM

Arturs Tumovs
Arturs Tumovs is only one, who would call him a profesional athlet. Kinda interesting fellow, you would say, but, believe me, he is not. After first season in juniors, gets drafted by Chicago Syndicate as late 47th pick, because team kinda didn't want him and didn't need him. He was so proud about his lamborgini and spent most time in it. Some random people (couldn't been fans, because he had zero of them) even saw him sleeping in that car. If he wasn't sleeping in car, he was sleeping with some random women. There was rumours at one point that he had more STD then twenty dollar hooker. After having nice (if you call 22 points nice) stats in regular season as a sent-down, Syndicate pulled up that trade card, but shitty defender like him couldn't deliver, so nobody actually wanted him. Before his third season he got random contract with New England Wolfpack by sucking up team's management. In the end of his forth season got hit so hard that his right leg got knee injury (thanks to god) and he finally was removed from ice and never returned again. Big loser went down like he should. Worst defender ever playing in this league.

(213 words)

Bruins10 · 06-27-2021, 11:11 AM

Kaspars Claude is a fictitious hockey player currently playing in the Simulation Hockey League for the Calgary Dragons. He is best known for his great career in the Juniors because he was not good enough to be effective in the pros once he made the jump to the big leagues. Kaspars Claude has been given the nickname "Snake" or "Kevin Durant" because of what he did when he entered the Pros. Once a 1st overall pick of the Tampa Bay Barracuda in an entry draft, Claude never actually played a game for the Tampa Bay Barracuda and decided to leave in free agency to join the New Orleans Specters where he would go on to win a Challenge Cup. Kevin Durant is currently on his way down in his career, getting old and fighting off regression and still trying to be a relevant name in the SHL whereas there are other youngsters coming in and stealing the spotlight. A lost household name, he will be best known for winning 3 Four Cup Championships in the juniors with 3 different teams, another snake move made by a snake individual who can not be loyal to his organization.

fever95 · 06-27-2021, 11:22 AM

PBE Affiliation

Steelhead77 · 06-27-2021, 12:06 PM

Esa Parmborg is a larger than life figure playing in the Simulation hockey league. I say larger than life because he is a fat ass and weighs 350 pounds, even with being 7ft tall he's still a real tub. I'm surprised he can skate to be honest. Parmborg was somehow taken 1st overall in the SMJHL by Halifax, one can only assume Halifax's GM was drunk when selecting him. He played 4 seasons in juniors because he was not good enough to make the pros. Eventually he had to come up to the SHL and play for the Dragons but it was mainly out of pity. He has played in the SHL for a while now and has scored some points but mostly because everyone does the work and he just stands near the net and the puck bounces off his fat ass and goes in. I think he's totally overrated and probably should quit hockey and open a deli or something.

---> ParmBorg Highlights <---

#1 All-Time SHL Goal & Point Scorer
- First 2,000 TPE Player in SHL History -
- First 400 Goal Scorer in SHL History -
- Only 500 Goal Scorer in SHL History -
- First GM to Win 5 & 6 Challenge Cups -
Esa Anrikkanen Award - SMJHL ROY - Est. S34
Vidrik Onoprienko Award Winner - S45

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