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Fluw · 06-27-2021, 12:20 PM

Patrice Nadeau was a young phenom with lots of talent that he wasted on milkshakes, and burgers resulting in his poor performances in the SHL and retiring from the league early. He could not tell the difference between his teammates and his oppenents, and it was often a free win for the opposing team when he was on the ice. Additionally Nadeau was the biggest goon, and didn’t deserve to play in the SHL after in one game alone he assaulted officials because his diaper must have been full, earning 15 penalty minutes as well as a game misconduct, in which you could here a collective sigh of relief from fans when he war removed. Now milkshake man has retired from the league, rightfully so, and has taken a step back to become HO of the SMJHL where I am sure he continues to find way to ruin the league like hid the SFP and his career.

Cyanide · 06-27-2021, 12:29 PM

Leonids Balzams is the worst hockey player on the planet. Like seriously, he probably holds the record for worst plus minus in the league. This dude is named Balzams. Honestly, it makes sense considering how awful he is at hockey. He is such a cap anchor that New England is too stubborn to get rid of him just so they do not have to admit they made a mistake. Drafting him was arguable the worst decision this front office has made since its inception, and they were called the Hardfort Hydras at one point. He is so unentertaining to watch, that wherever a hockey fan sees him play, the stop watching the sport all together. There is currently a hockey rehabilitation program for fans that have witnessed him play, funded by the SHL itself. The league is trying to get rid of him to save their sport, but he is just a cockroach who just seems to slip away unscathed.

Credit to Wasty
[Image: wolfpack3.png]

Credit to Sulovilen

nyumbayangu · 06-27-2021, 12:57 PM

Narboza Manyhands

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Narboza Manyhands /'men e handz/; born fourth rotation of darkside 411 is a Sardangian SHL player who despite having a massive physical advantage over all other human beings, has struggled to actually excel at the sport of ice hockey. Not only has his performance on the ice been less than exceptional given his inherent advantages, but his selection of neurological upgrades appear haphazard and ill-planned, leading to a less than remarkable career thus far in the league.

There are rumours that perhaps the Sardangian is just a human pretending to be a Sardangian, but some have resisted this theory with suggestions that no human would be able to pretend to be that inept for so long.

Career:

Mediocre. We have stopped trying to keep track.

Personal Life:

Does he even have one? All he talks about is his stupid research and training.

Legacy:

LOL.

peej2189 · 06-27-2021, 01:08 PM

Panda (Dumbass) Panico
Panda has lived a really lackluster life. Starting it in the worst country in the world, Germany, he played hockey from a young age. He wasn't ever really any good, he just managed to get incredibly lucky in the games that it mattered. Somehow, some crazy fuckers in Carolina noticed how lucky he got, and decided to pick him up for their Simulation Junior Hockey Leauge (SMJHL). This is where Panda's luck, or lack thereof, truly shined. His first few season he really struggled to perform up to snuff with the rest of the team. Then of course, the Carolina Kraken in S54 Panda's luck miraculously came back. He aided the Kraken in a Four Star Cup win over the Anaheim Outlaws in six games. Panda went back to lackluster performance after this, where he then got brought up to the Simulation Hockey League team, The Tampa(er) Bay Barracuda. Over the last three seasons, Panda has barely scrapped by. He has averaged just under .5 pts per game, which really says something about how shitty this guy is.

DannyC · 06-27-2021, 01:17 PM

Danny C (born March 1str 2000) is a US born left winger for the Kelowna Knights of the JHL. Often refereed to as "Dan" and "the Big Dumb." He made headlines when drafted, having said "Boy I'm not excited to have to learn to speak Canadian, but I can't wait to meet my new team mates!"
He has struggled year after year to convince anyone in the Monarchs organization that he is worth a spot on their roster and on their lines. Who knows, maybe after his final eligable year in the JHL he'll be able to convince them? (Doubt)
He does have a decent career total for blocked shots, largely due to the fact that pucks seem attracted to his big dumb noggin. Maybe he missed his true calling as a goalie?
In the year 2021 he was named Number 100 in "All 100 JHL prospects ranked from best to worst"
Internationally, he has played (poorly) for Blue team USA.

Evok · 06-27-2021, 01:22 PM

Elizabeth Doyle is the Swiss cheese in the goal for the Buffalo Stampede. She currently has the worst record for the best teams in the league. She is the only goaltender that have won multi awards while also not deserving it, being carried by the Buffalo Stampede defensive squad. There's no way she would have won those awards without her team. We can clearly see any goaltender on a good team will have better record than if they were on worst team. At equal TPE, it's only a matter of your team in front of you. Why would it be any other way. It's already said she will not be in the hall of fame because of it, as now, the buffalo stampede are only the 2nd best team in the league any season. If she doesnt win any more awards, there's no way that she makes it, as there will be nothing new on her resume as she has currently.

***sve7en*** · 06-27-2021, 01:30 PM

BenDover · 06-27-2021, 01:41 PM

PBE Affiliate

***notorioustig*** · 06-27-2021, 01:57 PM

Tig Murphy was an Irish professional ice hockey player primarily known for his lengthy career with the Hamilton Steelhawks. Over the course of his career, Murphy gained the reputation of being an exceedingly average player at his position despite being a high pick in a famously strong S43 draft class, and became part of a long-standing joke that he was only capable of scoring between 30 and 35 points in a single 50 game season, no more, no less. For a brief period, Murphy did manage to have a short-lived peak that saw him explode for three Scott Stevens Trophy award nominations for best defenseman and one win, which was preposterous to any who had ever watched him play. In addition to this, the significant rules changes in S53 saw Murphy change the course of his career again and be nominated for three Bojo Biscuit awards as best defensive defenseman along with one win. This caused significant controversy in the hockey world as Murphy was, according to longtime SHL forward Luke Thomason, "an offensive defenseman who wasn't even good at that." Murphy would retire a Steelhawk after a single season with the Seattle Argonauts, and was tragically killed in a murder-suicide after announcing his retirement (a murder that was ruled a suicide). The SHL is better without him, and his recent induction into the Hall of Fame remains one final piece of a legacy unanimously agreed to be undeserved.

Out of Toast · 06-27-2021, 02:24 PM

Jesse Trudeau

Jesse Trudeau has to have one of the worst names in the league let alone world, I would hate to be born into a family with that sort of last name and thinking I could go anywhere in life. Besides just Trudeaus last name being one of his biggest flaws I don't know how he even got into this league being one of the smallest guys out there every night and just being banged around, It's only a matter of time before this goof of a player ends up with a bad enough concussion and gets out of the league for good. The only award Trudeau has won or ever will is being benched for a few games in his first season because having someone like him on the ice is only an advantage for the other team. Bottom line is Trudeau is someone you should not even be looking up on here and will be long gone and forgotten so we might as well just have his Wiki taken down now and stop him from being a burden on this site.

***SouthPaw*** · 06-27-2021, 02:50 PM

PBE Affiliate

MrStennett · 06-27-2021, 02:51 PM

Barrett Blackwood is an American semi-professional jerkwad and asshat from the state of Minnesota. He is known for having absolutely no athletic ability whatsoever, as well as the fact that most of his hockey career has been completely average at best. His best seasons came with the Edmonton Blizzard, whom he immediately stabbed in the back to go play in Hollywood even though nobody has any idea who he is. Without a full cast of All-Star teammates, it has become painfully obvious that Blackwood isn't even worthy to carry his goalie's jockstrap and might as well retire as soon as possible. When you watch him shoot on this ice, this "sniper" can't hit the broad side of a barn. Like, a really big barn. This is evidenced by the fact that he shot a worse percentage than some of the defensemen on his team last season. Hopefully, he'll get a career ending injury in his next game and we will all be spared from having to watch any more of his ineptitude.

Code:
172 words

awils13 · 06-27-2021, 02:55 PM

Aaron Wilson is one of the most overrated players in SHL history. His first challenge cup championship doesn't count because it was won with strategies that went against the spirit of the game. So they figured out that a shot has a much higher chance to go into the net than a pass, duh?? Everyone knew that, said an SHL GM at the time.[1] Many have argued whether winning the cup in season 51 was Hamilton's end goal, or a ploy to change league rules in a way that would favor their team.[2]. While most teams in the league were trying to get faster, practically every Hamilton player showed up to training camp in S53 noticeably stronger. Hamilton cruised to their second championship in S53. It is not possible to build that much muscle in just a few months, so PED use was assumed, albeit not proven.[3] Once it was evident that Aaron Wilson could not lead Hamilton to a championship under normal conditions, he had to form a superteam with Dick Clapper, Theo Morgan and Michael Scarn in S56. Theo Morgan reportedly reached a verbal agreement with Hamilton long before the end of his contract with Los Angeles, leading to tampering allegations [4], which were completely ignored by the new league comissioner Nour Harrak, a former SHL forward who spent his entire career with Hamilton.

*Katth* · 06-27-2021, 02:55 PM

Barry Batsbak (Born June 4th 1990, Calgary Canada) is an Austrian Canadian currently playing for the Calgary Dragons in the Simulation Hockey League. Barry Batsbak started his career with the Kelowna Knights being drafted 60th overall in the Season 45 entry draft. In his second year in Kelowna he lost in the Four Star Cup Finals in game 7 against the St. Louis Scarecrows. In the Season 46 SHL entry draft, Barry Batsbak was selected 23rd overall by the Calgary Dragons. Barry Batsbak went on to become a franchise player and a leader on the team. In Season 50 he won the Challenge Cup by reverse sweeping the Tampa Bay Barracude in the finals. Barry Batsbak has had a few remarkable seasons finishing top 5 and top 10 in points league wide several times. He was also selected for the All-Star Game 3 times in a row. Barry Batsbak feels at home in Calgary and a transition elsewhere seems unlikely.

S50 Challenge Cup Finals Game 7
[Image: gNFVjT6.png]

Massive Coiler · 06-27-2021, 03:40 PM

Dick "Delver" Fudgeson (born April 18th, Season 31) is a Canadian "professional" ice hockey defenceman for the Toronto North Stars of the Simulation Hockey League (SHL). He played juniors in the Simulation Major Junior Hockey League (SMJHL) for four miserable seasons, during which he was overdrafted at 22nd overall to the New England Wolf Pack, who wisely traded him after seeing him play for one season. He was traded to the West Kendall Platoon, who had such a bad experience with him on the top pair that the franchise relocated to Baltimore. Before the expansion draft could pass over him, Fudgeson was traded to the Toronto North Stars, where he has somehow conned them into re-signing him several times. Internationally, he has competed for Canada at the junior level, before being smartly passed over by the regular team.

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