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crutch · 06-27-2021, 07:30 PM

Mikhail Novikov is a soft Russian from Moscow, Russia. He is known for tanking the Anchorage Armada and causing them to lose the Four Star Cup Finals against the Kelowna Knights. Novikov is best known for his player agent, the bust "crutch" player agency, who has been known to churn out failed player after failed player. Novikov is bound to be another failure from the Crutch player factory so it will be fun to watch him stumble through the starting block before eventually flaming out and retiring to go play in Russia. His to pskill is being useless while sitting on the bench while the rest of his team does the work. He's an interesting speciment and probably one that will be remembered for all of the wrong reasons, being a bad juniors player but also never making it any further than that. Goodbye, and good ridannce to you.

150.

yonggarius · 06-27-2021, 07:46 PM

Robot Sunfish is a bust. Seriously, who in their right minds will draft an enforcer of all things in the first round of majors draft? On top of that, he's not even human. He's a repurposed dam cleaning robot, for crying out loud! Everything about Sunfish, from his appearance to his playing style, is bizarre. Even more, his play style should be against the rule! He uses his robotic nature and his ridiculous body shape (seriously, he looks like a huge dinner plate or something) to unfair advantage in ramming other players as "hits", straight up bullying them in fights, and most ridiculously, parking himself in front of goals in short handed situations, obscuring the whole goal with his ridiculous body. Seriously, how on earth is that not against the rules?

When you draft a first rounder, you expect him to bring significant changes to your franchise. All the changes Robot Sunfish will bring to Vancouver is most likely that of destruction and chaos. Therefore I am certain that he is among the first round busts. (176)

***Toast*** · 06-27-2021, 07:53 PM

PBE Affiliation

*jeffie43* · 06-27-2021, 08:13 PM

Jack Kanoff is an absolute fraud. He showcased tremendous potential in his first World Junior Championships after winning the best rookie trophy. He later went on to have an incredibly strong rookie season for the S52 Detroit Falcons where he went on to play top line minutes and lead them to the 1st seed prior to losing abruptly to the St Louis Scarecrows.Taking notice of his incredible performance, the Toronto North Stars somehow managed to snag him at 8th overall in the star studded S53 SHL Draft. Great right? Only issue is that it all went downhill from there. Jack quickly went on to lose his job to Guy O'Shea who proceeded to have some incredible seasons for the Detroit Falcons. Then he went to the Toronto North Stars where he was quickly thrust into the top line and started off his career going -50 in his initial season. Following a weird trade request to Seattle he went onto have a couple of disappointing seasons where he finally converted to Forward to play even worse. Shocker.

Nour is pretty hot ngl

katarn22 · 06-27-2021, 08:16 PM

ISFL Affiliate Point Task

*thedangazone* · 06-27-2021, 08:46 PM

Keith Lee is an American hockey player for the Los Angeles Panthers. If you could even call him a hockey player. He was drafted by the New Orleans Specters, in way too high of a pick for sure, in the S52 entry draft. He weighs 225 lbs like a fat whale morseso than a hockey player. He considers himself a wrestler on top of a hockey player, but he is hardly good at either sport to be considered a professional in either. He is definitely a big nerd for thinking he could be a defenseman or a wrestler. Speaking of how terrible he is, he is also a terrible wrestler in Rink of Honor having just lost the World Heavyweight championship there during the Penalty Killed PPV during an Armageddon Hell in a Cell match. His catchphrase is that he is limitless but we all know that he's only limitless because he can not even hit the lowest of bars on any scale of limits.

165 words

*Buster* · 06-27-2021, 08:48 PM

Oliver Cleary (born whenever who cares) is apparently a Simulation Hockey League defensemen for the Baltimore Platoon. He previously played for the Los Angeles Panthers and Manhattan Rage, while being picked in the expansion draft by the Seattle Argonauts. All 3 teams he previously played for were extremely smart and got rid of him as soon as they could get anything. Cleary is apparently a defensemen who supposedly excels on the offensive side of the puck. Basically this means he sucks in his own zone and sometimes puts up points but mostly gives the puck away. He has ruined many great seasons by his old partner Jed Mosely Jr, costing him the Rookie of the Year.

Cleary was originally selected 4th overall in the Season 48 draft by the Los Angeles Panthers. He was so bad that the Minnesota Chiefs decided to get themselves in trouble and lose their pick so they didn't have to make the mistake of picking him 3rd overall.

Code:
163 words

Jedi · 06-27-2021, 08:53 PM

Hugo Gronroos is a Professional Goaltender and Part-time sieve for the Minnesota Monarchs. He's not very good, he's lowdown, he;'s dirty, he's a snitch. Gronroos time and again displays and astounding lack of skill in his stead as back-up Goaltender for the Monarchs, a continuation of his time spent in the juniors with Newfoundland. Born to two very disappointed parents, Jari Timonen and Stella Gronroos, Hugo grew up in a divorced family mostly on account of his being a disappointment. He took his mothers' maiden name because his Father refused to have his family name attached to such a low down dirty snitch. His mother only let him take her name because he had to have one and the Finnish government didn't approve of her suggestion of "Disappointment". Indeed, humans could not possibly be lower than Hugo Gronroos, and every day he strives to continually drive the bar even lower.

Alucard,Apr 14 2016, 03:33 PM Wrote:May the harvest be with you, young spud.

enigmatic,Aug 26 2016, 10:05 AM Wrote:Jedi could have 1 TPE and still improve any team

First ever Norwegian IIHF Goal!!

Code:
2. Team Norway , Jackson Rodgers-Tanaka 1 (Isabella Esparza-Osvaldson, Aleksander Andrezjeck) at 5:50

Special Thanks to Count Chocula for the Hugo G sig <3

MN_Moosey · 06-27-2021, 08:54 PM

PBE Affiliate

jjlangabeer · 06-27-2021, 08:54 PM

Lucas Raymond is a failing Swedish-born hockey player who currently is barely staying above water for the Carolina Kraken. Raymond was drafted by the Tampa Bay Barracuda in the late 2nd round because literally, every team did not want to waste their first-round selection on them. Raymond is considered a big butt and slow power forward who can only score if he is standing 2 feet from the crease.

Raymond is currently in his 2nd season with the Carolina Kraken and somehow has still been able to hold a roster spot. It seems that the team has found a way to use his huge ass in front of the net and just shoot pucks off of him. It currently leaves him with 7 goals in 8 games. We do not expect this trend to continue as he is far too slow for even a junior league.

As far as Raymond's future is concerned, it's pretty unknown. A lot of people suspect that he stumbles around the Junior league for another year or 2 and then slowly rides off into the sunset. If the Horse can carry his fat ass.

GoonerBear · 06-27-2021, 08:55 PM

Robert E. O. Speedwagon is a winger in name only for the Newfoundland Berserkers who, for some reason, they drafted 13th in the Season 58 SMJHL Draft and the Manhattan Rage drafted 12th in the Season 59 SHL Draft. Sure, he's improved his scoring rates, but just barely and not near at the pace of his contemporaries. What's a guy in his third full juniors season doing only scoring 3 points in 8 games? What's all this about defensive play and hits and shot blocking? He's a third defenseman - he's a rover LONG after hockey ditched the rover. Just because he comes from the late 19th century is not an excuse to play like it. Catch your game up to the modern age. Maybe he'll get his glut of points once the Berserkers, made up of much more talented returning players and Speedwagon, get some scrubs to pick on and he gets a run of luck in garbage time. Don't expect him to last once Manhattan has to call him up in Season 62 as part of their new rebuild project or else lose their first-round pick to waivers. His potential has still yet to be fulfilled and looks to remain unfulfilled as he falls into the crowd among his peers and does nothing spectacular. The best he can hope for is to play a role on a title-winning team...if they don't blow it in yet another semifinal, that is.

(240)

Randominoe · 06-27-2021, 09:20 PM

Aleksandrs Balcer's track record speaks for itself, as a junior player originating out of Latvia and being taken first overall as an absolute reach considering the magnitude of the draft class he was in. He may have been deemed to have had a phenomenal rookie season by the awards committee, but everyone in their right mind knows that the true S58 SMJHL Esa Anrikkanen award should have been Alexis Saint-Michel. Going from first overall to twenty-third overall just speaks to the nature of Balcers' personality and the drastic difference in how the Berserkers valued him and how SHL teams did.

Aleksandrs' SMJHL career is already half over and his team has failed to even make it to a Four-Star Cup Final, so much can be spoken about his playoff performances. If I were the GM of the Minnesota Monarchs, who wasted a second-round pick, I would be looking to trade this dumpster fire of a prospect away before his potential drowns this team into perpetual mediocrity

JNH · 06-27-2021, 09:23 PM

Martijn Westbroek was born in the Netherlands - a place not at all known for their hockey playing abilities. Despite this, he managed to become a professional player capable of coming second consistently. He’s like the ugly sister who does well in school but gets to watch as her more attractive sister gets A’s and captains the cheerleading team.

He points to his family as the source of most success, which is fitting given he’s rode the coattails of others for his entire life. Whether it was living at home with mom and dad for far too long or coasting on the wing of top teammate Selman in the J, he’s never made a name for himself. He’s done the same with Chicago and this looks to continue.

In S57, he won the Challenge Cup with the Chicago Syndicate - a reward for many years of suffering self inflicted by his failure to lead his team to any real success. All it took was his GMs bringing in actual talent to get the job done.

*Scrufdaddy* · 06-27-2021, 09:25 PM

Slip McScruff was the worst fookin player drafted in Saint Louis Scarecrows history. It's a fookin shame because he was picked up alongside the best player to ever grace the Scarecrows uniform, Gareth Rush. McScruff went on to be drafted by the Winnipeg Jets and has played there ever since. Critics speculate that if Gareth Rush played even a quarter of the time that Slip McScruff has been in the league, he would have all the fookin records that this dumpster of a circus has to offer.

He has ok defensive stats considering how fookin dumb he is, throwing his fat ass at the problem instead of using skill like Gareth Rush would. I mean, he has lots of hits and lots of blocks, a pylon on a spring could do just as fookin well. Fook that guy and everything he does, the only player worse than Slip McScruff is that fookin scrub Cassius Darrow. Everyboday is waiting in anticipation for the day they injure each other and fade into the fookin night.

canes2112 · 06-27-2021, 09:32 PM

For Grape Fruit, there would probably be a lot of citrus puns. It is the literal name and it makes the most sense. Some might even say it is the low hanging fruit. There would also probably be some references to the how to grapefruit your man video on youtube. I think it was pretty popular and someone even linked it to my player page when I first created. Other than that, there will most likely be I am groot references due to Grape Fruit's nickname, Groot. Those would not be as malicious since it is a pretty cool nickname. Some haters might just make baseless accusations that Grape Fruit is a terrible person or has done horrible things but this is simply not the case. Grape Fruit is a pretty boring person so there is not much for others to make fun of and try to exploit by changing his very short Wikipedia page.

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