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BANACKOCK · 01-07-2022, 04:28 PM

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The surroundings were dark and cold, with a smell of sewer rotten oranges and Snussu in the air. A thick fog crept up from the ground, with the full moon shining eerily down on us all. A wolf, or some crazy cat lady, howls in the background and a creepy clown laugh comes from the shrubs behind you. They shake the shrub. He cackles. You poop a little. He cackles again. The trees are dead, the waters stink like eggs and the only other noise other than the creepy things we just described were the croaks of the frogs that hopped around the eggy waters of the swamp. Everything here was dead or going to die. Everything here was dark. Everything stunk like ass. Nothing here was good. The darkness of the shadows, the thickness of the fog and the pungency of the eggy H2O even hid away the light of the moon. What the fuck would want to be in a place like this? Who would come here? Who would be this dumb?

Hello, we are the SMJHL Prospects awaiting the draft tonight and the location described above has been the location where the SMJHL GM's have held us captive while they make us wait for the SMJHL Entry Draft tonight at 9PM EST. Some have waited a long time, some have waited shorter, but times passes slowly in these parts and it all feels the same. For every second that passes, we're afraid we're going to lose one of our own. We're afraid that we might not make it to the draft. We're literally afraid for our lives. We don't know what to do. I'm not shitting you all, this feels like some Paranormal Activity Hunger Games like shit and a lot of us are really freaking out right now. There used to be so much excitement for the draft, but no it's turned into fear. It's turned into sorrow, darkness and even for some.. some pretty intense stuff that we can speak about. Let's just say our friendly potato boy found some duct tape and a bible in some outhouse toilet and he's taped said bible to his chest and covered himself with the poopy, eggy water to blend himself in with the environment. This is how far the SMJHL GM's have gone and you don't even know the half of it. This is why I am writing you. This is why we need YOUR HELP. Please let me provide examples to hopefully persuade you to respond to our urgent SOS. Read below:

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@Dangles13 and @Sportskk11 were walking down the path to try and locate assistance for all of us prospects when all of a sudden they heard a growl coming from behind them. Dangles isn't super brave so he didn't want to check it out, but Sportskk11 is probably a top 5 prospect when it comes to bravery. He told Dangles to "quit being a wimp" (his words, not mine) and to help him go check it out. They approached the deep grasses where the noises were coming from. In the hands of Dangles, he held tightly a 6 inch twig he found on the ground and a half drank, expired Sprite in the other as his weapons of choice (he had no choice). Sportskk11 pulled one of those cheap pens you can find at the dollar store out of his pocket to use as his weapon. They stopped at the foot of the grass and listened. A whisper on the winds all of a said moaned "braaaaaaains" and out of the grasses jumped a POTATO ZOMBIE. They quickly latched on the Sportskk11 and his dollar store pen was no match for the potato zombies. They quickly jumped back into the grasses and left Dangles alone as they were only after brains. Dangles ran away, with wet pants, afraid.

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After we seen the POTATO ZOMBIE attacks, a bunch of us thought it would be a good idea to split up and search the areas ourselves. It happens in scary movies all the time and shit goes wrong, but this ain't cinema or Hollywood, baby. We need to get our asses out of here because if we all die they gonna draft @Berocka and @dasboot 1st and 2nd overall and we ain't gonna let that shit fly. This ain't the "land down under", it's just the "land scary as shit, wanna kill you". So, we went out separate ways. We're all searching. We're all scared but trying to act tough as we allow our iPhone flashlights to lead the way. Then, on the trail at the very edge of the light, @NJBadApple stopped dead in their tracks at the biggest, hairiest feet he'd ever seen. with toe nails that looked like old, rickety planks of wood off a molding lake front dock.. He slowly moved his iPhone flash light up, profiling the shadowy figure ahead of him on the trail... The stink from this animal smelled like old raisin bran cereal and it looked as though some white, thick milk was oozing from their skin... he finally reached the face and he couldn't believe who he had found... AMY SCHUMER... She growled at NJBadApple and said "All I ever wanted was to play in the SMJHL but they wouldn't let me... I've been locked up here in this swamp for so long... AMY SO HUNGRY... TUMMY HURT... I'M GOING TO EAT YOU... COME HERE LITTLE HUMAN... That was the last we ever seen of NJBadApple. Some say he's still out there, on the run from Amy Schumer.. Some say she cornered him and devoured him in one gulp...

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You think those two are bad? Those aren't even the worst of them... It's nothing at all like what happened to @The Roope Hintz Effect ... UGH... This one is almost too hard to share but I have to do it... We have to let you know what's happening so you guys can try and help us.. At this point, we're all shitting bricks.. literally.. we ate some cattails around the swamp with some old ketchup packets we found on the ground - we were hungrier than a hippo on a Tuesday, and we got the shits like it was going out of style. We're scared. We're cold. We're hungry but not as much now because of the cattails and ketchup packets. We're defeated. Alone. Tired. Still waiting for the SMJHL Draft. We're all huddled in a corner of a stump that laid 33 feet away from the swamp.. Hintz thinks he should go out and try and collect some wood to try and build us a fire.. maybe this way we can cook the cattails and ketchup and pretend their hot dogs. He walks away and tells the group if he's not back in 16 minutes, to call the police. He walks away into the shadows of the fog. He disappears.

Hintzy begins collecting kindling and bigger chunks of wood to start a fire when he hears a cackle from somewhere out in the distance. Hintz shouts @Snussu you asshole. I know that's you. Quit the shit or we're not playing Fortnite when we get out of this hell hole". No answer. Nothing. Not until he heard another cackle, but this time from behind him. Then to the left, the right, in front, the left, behind. CACKLE. Then out of nowhere popped a monstrous red headed clown, with a white painted face and yellow costume.. Out from behind him he pulls out the Cuisinart Electric Meat Grinder from Canadian Tire and screamed at the top of his lungs "It's time to make some McHuman burgers, come the mcfuck here boy" as he revs the Cuisinart Electric Meat Grinder up like a chainsaw. Hintz takes off his Nike Air force one shoe to use as a weapon as dead Ronald Mcdonald approaches him. Then out of nowhere Ronald screams "What the mcfuck you waiting for? Mcfucking get him!".. Out of the trees popped the entire Mcdonalds gang to get Hintzy..

Now, we understand we got some youngin's on here so we ain't gonna continue this story. Just know when you're sitting at home, watching the game and a McDonalds commercial comes on and it says "We use homegrown, grass fed REAL beef with no steroids", it's a MCfucking lie! We ain't seen @The Roope Hintz Effect since and he also did the odd steroid here and there.. You should all try out Odd Burger instead.

SHL, we plead to you... I don't think we can outlast the time and make it until the SMJHL Entry Draft. You either need to call Elon Musk immediately to help get us out of here or call Dog the Bounty Hunter to get his ass over here right now to capture the SMJHL GM's and hold them accountable for their horror like actions. If you are coming, feel free to text @Snussu too to let us know you're coming but do it quick because his phones at 7% and we're currently hiding in the rock slide making a TikTok.