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***SchwarzNarr*** · 07-09-2022, 12:47 PM

Welcome to Melvin’s IIHF Showcase, where he attempts to commentate on hockey games that he knows nothing about, and doesn’t quite understand. Fortunately for you all, this no longer needs to be translated through layers of Moose to Penguin to Bjorn’s English finally translated into something enjoyable for all of us to experience by Bjorn’s lovely wife, Lady Tesla. However, please be patient as it does take a moose quite a long time to type out words on his oversized keyboard. Now buckle up, and enjoy the … well, not quite great ride:

Good morning SHL friends. The powers that be told me this was a good way to get additional money, so I have decided to start commentating on games. I apologize now.

On day one of the IIHF Tournament Round Robin, Team Sweden played against Team United States. To start the first period, Dogwood Maple found himself facing Xavier Doom at the center of the ice, but he was able to be faster, be speedier, and be first, to get the puck and pass it to Sven Svenson. However, this possession was short lived, as Joseph Weston hit him at center ice, sending the puck out between his legs to center Xavier Doom. Doom made his way down the right side of the ice, and sent the puck flying toward Jon St. Ark. While he missed, St. Ark was able to round the puck back to Dogwood Maple who made a sprint down the ice, crossing the center line. He slammed into Axel Foley and lost the puck. Pavel Jeziak snuck past, grabbing the puck on his way down the ice, and hit a long shot toward the goal. St. Ark isn’t easily scored on, however, and despite having two shots at this point, there were no goals for Team USA. The puck however had made its way back into the hands of Team USA, but Magnus Liljestrom and Tomas Lind were both there, to make hits and block shots from Weston and Foley. In fact, Lind’s blocked shot made the puck it’s way up and over the netting and into the crowd. Hopefully nobody was hurt as it came down, but that will be quite the souvenir to get signed by your favorite player after the game.

Needing to faceoff again, since, well you know, the puck was no longer on the ice, Maple lined up against Weston in Swedish ice. Maple was unable to recover the puck this time, Weston immediately sent the puck across the ice with a long pass to Sean Gatez, who took a slapshot on the goal. Saved once more by St. Ark, the puck made it’s way into Weston’s stick again, who pushed his way up close to the goal crease and then took another shot. St. Ark pulled some magic once more and sent the second puck flying over the glass for the game. With another faceoff in Swedish territory, Maple and Doom found themselves together once more, Doom figuring out the Swedish Center’s tricks, and he sneak the puck out from between his legs and sent it to the center of the ice where Axel Foley took a shot and missed. But Doom was right there, ready to try and score right from the crease again. St. Ark a true master in his art, and already heating up against Team USA deflected the puck up and over the glass for a second time.

Somewhat pissed off and ready to go, Maple used that aggression to beat Doom in the next faceoff (As an aside, I had no idea there were so many faceoffs in hockey, holy cow y’all). But the puck was lost in a pass and Gatez immediately took a shot on St. Ark, getting the rebound, Gatez tried two more times from the crease to get the puck into the net, but St. Ark found himself holding onto the puck and letting the game run to yet another faceoff. As Doom and Maple find themselves for the I don’t actually know how many times now facing each other in two minutes, Doom was able to steal the puck away from Maple and but it made it’s way into Liljestrom’s stick before Pojo Biscuit hit him. Trying to get the puck down into Team USA territory, the puck found itself in the crowd, yet another souvenir to be signed.

Finally at the other end of the ice for the first time all game, Henrik Lekberg Osterman found himself on the right side of the ice in a faceoff against Atticus Hale. Getting the puck to Jimmy Wagner, he immediately made a shot on the goal, but Ward was able to make his first appearance all game as he easily saved the shot. The puck made it’s way to center ice where Sven Yxskaft hit Julio Tokolosh hard, knocking him down onto the ice, and the puck made it’s way to Adelie de Pengu. The infamous slapper from the blue line tried and failed spectacularly to get the puck anywhere near the net, especially incredible considering the fact that he only had to shoot it a few feet away. Don’t worry though, because teammate Svenson was right there to try and back him up, but he also missed.

Team USA began to capitalize on the sloppiness of team Sweden as Axel Foley picked up the rebound and made his way quickly down the ice to take a center shot on the Swedish goal. Unfortunately for him, Jon St. Ark was having an incredible game and was able to save the shot easily. Getting the puck away from Team USA, Lekberg Osterman dumped the puck deep, and seemed to be looking to change. De Pengu and Pojo Biscuit both gave chase after the puck, but Adelie was able to reach the puck first. He looked around the ice, trying to find someone to pass it to, and looked for Dogwood Maple to be in the slot. However, de Pengu isn’t known for his hockey skills and hit the puck up into the air slightly. Coming down with a funny bounce, Maple misses the pass. Svenson is able to make up for the error and get control of the puck for Team Sweden. He drives toward the goal, but the shot goes wide.

With the puck making it’s way all the way down the ice, Alex Foley rushed up to get it, taking control for Team USA. He moves the puck around the ice, and makes his way in front of the goal for a long shot, and Doom tipping it, it seems like it might be a score, but St. Ark is there with the save right away. As Foley swoops in to get the rebound, he gives the puck to Jeziak who passes it to Gatez who is in the slot and he tries to take the shot, but Dogwood Maple is there to block it with his stick. What a game so far animals and humans, what a game. The puck makes it way to the corner off the block from Maple and Jeziak picks it up behind the cage for Team USA. He quickly passes it to Doom who tries to take a sharp shot, but it gets blocked off the stick of Ethan Bouchard before being knocked toward the wall. Gibbles makes another shot attempt, but de Pengu is there, sliding on his belly to make the block (is that even legal? Are penguins allowed to use their innate penguinness? It feels like cheating). Atticus Hale picks up the rebound and makes another shot, but it goes wide and Tomas Lind is able to chase the puck down and take it into Team USA territory, shooting the puck but Tyler Ward is able to pull out another save.

Liljestrom picks up that rebound, makes his way back around and tries to shoot it toward the goal, but Alex Foley is there to block and pick up the puck. Trying to pass to a teammate and get open, Foley gives the puck to Svenson who takes it down the ice and passes it to Liljestrom. Another saved shot by Tyler Ward, though, and the game is still tied at 0-0. Trying to get the puck from Biscuit, Maple slams into him, and Maple is able to take the puck and get the shot, but Bobby Lane is there right away to block it. Jasper Maximov finds himself entering the foray and he leaves a big hit on Biscuit, keeping control of the puck for a bit.

Sean Gatez, however, takes it away and slips it inside the zone where Weston is back first to pick up the dumped puck for Team USA. He gives a heavy shot from the circle, but St. Ark is able to get a pad on it. Weston doesn’t give up though, he is right there to get the rebound, and he quickly passes it to Foley. Foley gentle sends it toward Weston who made his way around the goal, and is sitting behind it. Passing it back to Gatez in the circle, he shoots it toward the net, where the puck is deflected by Merica Jr., but St. Ark is able to make yet another save. Sharp recovers the puck, sweeps around and attempts to take another shot, but Emilia Bergman is right there ready to block. The puck cleared and is deflected out of play. Yet Another Faceoff happens, this time between Sharp and Krashwagen (I suppose this means they’ve probably made a line change, but I’ll be honest I have no idea how long people are staying on the ice). Sharp wins the faceoff and sends the puck back to McScruff who takes another shot on the goal, blocked once more by Bergman. Jericson grabs the rebound, shoots toward the goal and St. Ark is right there, ready to save the shot once more. Jericson grabs the rebound one more time, but passes the puck to Merica Jr. who takes a shot that is immediately blocked by a big man who can skate (oh wait, that’s me, watching this play by play that is ME! I forgot I was playing on Team Sweden). As I tried to take the puck down the ice, though, I apparently was offsides. I don’t really know how it all works, so I make a lot of mistakes like that, sorry coach.

With another faceoff, Team USA won it, yet again (man this is frustrating to watch, let me tell you. Maybe I should pay more attention during the games, and we wouldn’t be having as much trouble here). He passes the puck to Duncan who tries to get it into the net, but St. Ark has the golden gloves this game, with over 12 shots saved already. He holds on to the puck in the chaos and there’s another faceoff in Swedish territory. He gives the puck to Tomas Lind, but he immediately gives the puck away to Team USA’s Ethan Duncan. Duncan takes advantage of the situation and let’s the puck rip toward the goal, but it sails wide past St. Ark’s head, before hopping into the opposite corner. McScruff grabs the puck on the rebound, comes around and takes another shot, but Maple is right there with his stick, deflecting the puck up and over the glass.

Ready for another faceoff, Raiden loses out to Maple, but the puck still finds it’s way into Team USA’s sticks as Jericson takes a shot on St. Ark. He holds onto the puck and Hale and Svenson faceoff once more in Team Sweden’s territory. Team USA win’s the faceoff but Tomas Lind gets the puck and sends it deep into the United States zone. Sweden has it, and Lind is controlling the dump-in, and he passes the puck to Liljestrom, who looks to Bouchard, trying to find him in the high slot. Bouchard lets it go from the high slot, but Ward is there save the shot. Maple recovers the puck, but he is immediately hit by Biscuit. Granstrom is able to save the puck though, and keep it in Team USA territory with a big hit on Hale. He passes the puck to Rikard Bjerg who is in the slot, but he swings wide. Hale catches the rebound and makes his way back toward St. Ark, but he is prepared for the breakaway and is able to easily save the shot.

The rebound easily gets relayed to Julio Tokolosh, and he finds Hale high up in the slot. Hale tries to wrist it into the goal, but St. Ark is there the whole time, tracking the puck and making the save. The rebound makes its way back to Hale who slides the puck across the ice to McScruff. McScruff makes his way inside of the blue line and he slaps it hard toward the goal. Will this finally be the first goal of the game? No! It won’t! Bjerg steps in and is able to block it sending the puck trickling back toward the blue line.

Sweden creeps up onto the puck and whacks into the United States end where Adelie de Pengu is sliding on his belly, racing toward the puck (seriously, this isn’t illegal?). He reaches it first and has the puck. Squeezed into the slot is Bouchard who quickly moves the puck to Dogwood Maple, passed again to Svenson. He passes the puck up, high in the slot and Bouchard is there waiting for it, redirecting it toward the goal. It looks like it might go in, but Ward is able to get his stick on the puck, deflecting the puck out of play and over the glass.

Maple is able to win another faceoff against Doom, and he quickly passes the puck to Bouchard who takes a sharp shot. Jericson is there though, able to block the shot with his stick. Svenson is quick to get the rebound before taking a hard hit from Gatez. In an attempt to wrestle the puck away, it goes over the glass and into the crowd. Taking another faceoff in Team USA territory, maple beats Raiden, quickly passes the puck to Lind who takes a shot. Ward is able to get a glove on it and holds onto the puck, forcing yet another faceoff. Raiden wins this time, but it’s a hard fought battle and the puck goes flying into the crowd once more. Raiden wins the next faceoff against Maple, and as he passes the puck to Duncan, Bergman comes out of nowhere to lay a big hit on Duncan. Bergman quickly takes the shot, but it swings wide. Catching the rebound and trying again, Berman shoots one more time, this time blocked by Biscuit who deflects the puck up and over the glass.

Lekberg Osterman wins the faceoff against Raiden and passes it to de Pengu … who doesn’t quite know what to do with the puck and he quickly gives it away to Duncan. I guess Team Sweden needs to investigate whether or not penguins are colorblind. Somehow though, the puck gets back into de Pengu’s stick and he starts skating? Sliding? Doing something with the puck through the neutral zone. He passes it off to Bouchard on the other side of the ice and Bouchard shoots it, but Brandon is able to get his body in front of the puck to block it. The puck starts traveling toward the boards and is safe for the time being. Wagner skates around to grab the puck and takes another shot, but it’s blocked by Biscuit and deflected up and over the glass once more.

Sharp and Lekberg Osterman face off, with Sharp winning but with a quick icing call, Dogwood Maple and Merica Jr. are needing to faceoff once more. Maple manages to kick the puck to his winger and Team Sweden has the puck. The winger slides it over to Svenson who sends a wrist shot toward the goal. Jericson gets his body in there once more to block the shot and it ricochets all the way down the ice past Team Sweden’s goal. The puck finds its way into the crowd and Maple faces off against Merica Jr. once more, winning it. Trying to get the puck away from Team Sweden, Team USA’s Elfwulf Jericson charges toward Maple, totally unnecessarily, leading to a 2 minute penalty. With Team USA temporarily shorthanded, Sweden hopes that they can capitalize.

Maple wins the faceoff against Hale and tries to take the shot right away, but Gatez is there to block it, sending the puck over the glass. Hale wins the next faceoff, but then is quickly found offsides, and they face off for the third time in about one minute. Hale wins this one and passes the puck to Gibbles who instantly gives it away to Yxskaft. Yxskaft passes it to Maple who takes a quick shot that goes wide. Yxskaft catches the rebound and makes his own quick shot that misses wide too. Maximov grabs this next rebound and aims once more, this time connecting with the goalie, with Ward saving and holding on to the puck after the barrage of shots from Team Sweden. With only 5 minutes to go in the first period, the game is still tied. There isn’t that much time left on the penalty clock, and so far Team USA has done a great job of wearing down the clock.

Maple wins the faceoff against Sharp, passes the puck to Sven who swings a wide shot on the goal. Rebounded by Team Sweden, the puck is sent deep into the United States zone. Svenson shoulders Gibbles out of the way and is able to pick up the dump-in for Team Sweden. He snaps the puck back to Maximov who sends the puck forward to Maple. Maple takes a shot, but it’s off-target and bounces off the end boards. The puck moves out to the side boards, and Svenson is there with the disc, delivering it to Maple up high. Maple tries to send it back over the Yxskaft, who gets ready to hammer a point shot. Hit too hard, it goes wide and a little bit too high to make its way into the goal. With the puck heading to the side boards this time, Maximov is able to recover it. He makes a point shot, but Ward is there to rob him and saves it in his glove. He covers the puck, gets the whistle, and forces the game to another faceoff in Team USA territory.

Dogwood Maple wins the faceoff easily for Team Sweden and the puck gets relayed to Lind who is sitting behind the goal. He passes hard to Svenson, really firing it toward the high slot. Svenson moves forward, gets the puck and shoots from the high slot. Too ambitious, too much power, the shot goes wide and misses completely. It bounces to the opposite corner and Sharp is able to recover the puck for team USA behind the goal. He comes around with it and passes it back to Biscuit and Biscuit coughs it up, as Lind comes to contest the puck. But before Lind can even do anything with it, Biscuit is right back there ready to steal the puck away again. Biscuit slows down as he makes his way down the ice toward Team Sweden’s goal, and passes the puck to Merica Jr. Maximov is there, trying to help slow Merica Jr. As Merica Jr. attempts to pass the puck Gibbles, it bounces away and Team Sweden are able to capitalize on the situation, securing the puck for a bit at least. Lind brings the puck over the red line and he whacks it behind the Team USA cage and Krashwagen is there right away to get to the puck, but Gibbles, pissed about giving it away, is right there on his tail. Krashwagen tries to move the puck to First-Name Last-Name who then squeezes a pass forward to Wagner. Wagner has his head up and is on the move, aiming for Liljestrom who is high in the slot, but Liljestrom isn’t prepared and can’t control the puck fast enough – it’s loose! Krashwagen is there, though, right before Gatez can get to the puck, and he picks it up and takes a shot on goal, but it’s deflected over the net and off the glass. The puck is now out to the far side of the ice and recovered by Sweden before Wagner is called for holding. With Wagner on his way to the sin bin, Team Sweden down by two minutes, they need to play some hard defense to finish out the period.

Doom and Krashwagen face off, and Doom is able to secure the puck and he passes it back to Team USA’s Alex Foley. Foley attempts to pass the puck to Gibbles and Gibbles fires it hard from inside the blue line. St. Ark is able to flash the pads to make the stop and he tries to send it to a member of Team Sweden, but Gibbles is there to grab the puck. He rebounds it to the front and Weston shoots, but St. Ark is able to get his blocker on it. The puck gets knocked up into the netting, calling for a stoppage of play and another faceoff as the referees get another puck ready to go. Krashwagen is able to win the faceoff against Doom, but after an icing call, there is yet another faceoff of Last-Name and Doom. Last-Name passes the puck over to Bjerg who gives it away right away to Jeziak.

Weston carries the puck over the line, and as he is near the boards at the blue line, he slaps one toward the goal, but it goes wide. With only 2 minutes left, the penalty for Wagner has finished and both teams have five men on the ice. The puck sails into the corner where Weston picks it up and runs behind the net. He plays it up to the high slot and finds Jeziak there, ready to take a shot on the goal. Raiden reaches out to tip it, and they finally catch St. Ark off guard. After being fooled, the puck goes in. GOAL. The first one of the game comes near the end of the first period for Team USA.

With a center ice faceoff, Hale wins against Granstrom, but after a few hits from Merica Jr., and a blocked shot by Granstrom, he threads a pass back to Sven Yxskaft at the line, who snaps one on goal. Hagan gets in the way, blocks the shot and the puck makes its way just over the center line. Lekberg-Osterman picks it up and takes a shot that is blocked by Gatez, who deflects the puck over the glass. With another faceoff against Doom, Lekberg Osterman wins and attempts to send the puck down the ice in the last 30 seconds of the game. With another icing call, the puck comes back and Doom wins the faceoff against Lekberg Osterman this time, and he passes the puck to Jeziak high in the slot. With only a few seconds left, Jeziak sends a wide shot that is recovered by Wagner. He sends a deep shot down toward Team USA’s goal in the last seconds of the first period, but it’s easily blocked by Doom. At the end of the first period Team USA is up by one, and Team Sweden goes into the locker rooms exhausted and ready to listen to some changes that the coach might be making in the strategy.

We’ll see you next time for Sweden’s first round robin game, period