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Tylar · 09-15-2022, 08:12 PM

Liam Slate a very mediocre veteran of the Seattle Argonauts, would tell a rookie to the Seattle Argonauts to enjoy every single moment of their time in the Simulation Hockey League and on the team especially in their first season. The Seattle Argonauts loaded up and any rookie will barely see any ice time so if they do hit the ice they should be thankful coach Tig lets them see the ice because the team wants to win and Tig do not like bad play. The advice Liam Slate would give to the rookies would be just enjoy the ride and being carried to wins throughout the season, bonus if they see more than 7 minutes of ice time. Once the playoffs hit, the advice would be to get injured so they do not have to play to face the wrath of coach Tig if the team loses a game cause in the past the team gets whippings in the locker room after the game.

Overall enjoy your time in the Simulation Hockey League Smile

174 Words

**SFresh3** · 09-15-2022, 09:24 PM

Player Prompt (kinda)

Since Ryu is on a new team this season, I decided to flip the Player Prompt around to Ben Jammin @James Truong showing Ryu Jones his DJ turntable and speakers in the Chicago LR.
[Image: vWblwRh.jpg]

TacocaT 2 · 09-15-2022, 11:13 PM

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mcpumpkin · 09-16-2022, 12:29 AM

creative prompt ok so what you really have to know to have the most absolute big giagantest chance of success in this whiny baby league is to learn how to handle the left wing agenda these little dangle nerds think they can twirl around and fly through on breakaways and just whoosh their way out of hits well no we have all the advices to give here the best advice only good advice so first what you gotta do is get low with these kids really arch that back forward and get those elbows about hip height and their spins in the corner wont mean a fuckin thing next up ya gotta learn that breakaways in this universe are just absolutely deadly so if ya see one of these zoomer left wingers charging down the middle like they are the second coming of mcchrist all you gotta do is just whack em with the stick right in the ankles sure ya sit for two but they sit for three games with a booboo ankle thats a win win if i ever saw one

***Acsolap*** · 09-16-2022, 08:55 AM

With Philadelphia in the midst of the typical post expansion slump where the vets become basically senile and physically incapable and the new recruits and draftees are slightly too green to really lift the load there is plenty of new people to give advice to in the Forge locker room. The first would to steer clear of the bin next to Samuel Michaud and First Name Last Names stalls as that is used for their adult diapers. The second would be do not go into the can right after Bork Lazer as he lives on a diet exclusively of spicy burritos and strawberry frappuccinos so unless you can hold your breath for the entirety of your ablutions its best to wait a bit. The final piece of advice would be to get a stall as far away from Red Kirkby and Ricky Koivu as possible as they love to whip each other with wet towels after the game and there have been many instances of collateral damage.

Credit to Ml002, King, Wasty, Carpy, Bruins10, Rum_Ham, Turd Ferguson, Ragnar and Enigmatic for the sigs.
Forge

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notoriousTRON · 09-16-2022, 09:11 AM

Welcome to Seattle [New Player] allow me to show you the ropes. First things first, we don't run with scissors in this locker room. I don't care what they let you do in your previous locker room we don't do that here. Ok? Second of all, management does not like it when we color on the walls with markers or crayons. Even if our friends are laughing and we think it's funny. It's not funny and someone has to clean that up! Third, we always finish our food like big boys and girls in this locker room. We need to set a good example for the younger players and we also need our muscles to grow big and strong so that we can win hockey games this season. Here's a tip that I like to do: eat the yucky things that you don't like first, like gross veggies. That way you have all the yummy stuff to eat after that!
Those are the main rules. Mostly we just have to act like big boys and girls so management will treat us like big boys and girls.

Sig Cred: Carpy, ML, RainDelay, Donini & Geekusoid

*Otrebor13* · 09-16-2022, 09:55 AM

When it comes to some advice, it’s always interesting when looking at the SMJHL. Obviously it’s only going to be my 2nd season, so I just went through my rookie season and know exactly what these new rookies are going through.

I think the biggest thing for me was always being able to have someone on the team that I could go to for questions (especially the stupid ones you’re scared to ask so you don’t look like an idiot and get made fun of by the veteran guys). So I like to make sure that I can be that guy for the rookies, make sure they feel comfortable.

Another big thing was knowing when to go get food. The training facility is always full of players, so going for lunch slightly earlier than normal will make sure you get your food quickly. On top of that, it also means the other guys come sit down a little later, and your lunch gets longer because you’re hanging out and leave when everyone leaves. Difference is, you got in 10-15 minutes before everyone else.

3lewsers · 09-16-2022, 10:25 AM

Dear Crab Camaro,

This is a pretty easy one. Take the butt end of your hockey stick and smash in one of the windows. If you want to take it a step further, have a bucket of stingrays on hand, because crabs absolutely despise stingrays. Throw a few in there and let the rays have at it. At that point, you should be able to open the door while the crabs are preoccupied. If you want to make a big splash, ask the local fire department to be there with hoses blazing, to completely pulverize the crabs with water. Sure the interior will get wet, but you would have needed to clean the inside anyway. If you go that route, just let it air dry for a few days, and that 90 Camaro will be as good as new. I know you said this is a nightmare, but its not too bad. Just breathe deeply and take it one claw at a time.

Sincerely,

DG

***TheGreatToeJam*** · 09-16-2022, 10:52 AM

Quote:

"Hey advice column! I'll cut right to the chase because frankly, this is urgent. I have 60+ live horseshoe crabs in my car, just sort of scuttling and wriggling around in there. I cannot get them out. The car is an '09 Camaro. It's a beautiful car but it is full of crabs. When I try to open the door, they band together and hold it closed. They are too strong. One time they rolled down the window and beckoned me over-- when I stuck my head in, they snipped me on the nose and rolled it back up! Now my nose is big and red. It is a nightmare. What can I do? Signed: Crab Camaro in Concord, NH."
Dear Crab Camaro,

I'm afraid there is a lot to unpack here. Let' begin with the car. An '09 Camaro is not a beautiful car. As with most things in the early 2000's the Camaro was redesigned and distorted to the point that it was completely unrecognizable compared to its incredible forefathers of the late 60's and early 70's. Step 1 is to get rid of that atrocity and ride the bus where you can only get crabs from sitting on a cloth seat. Step 2 is to call the cheapest tow truck company you can find and get that nightmare on wheels towed to the nearest ocean cliff. Preferably no less than 200 feet. I have no idea how you will get the damn thing in neutral but I'm assuming it has something to do with the transmission? I don't know. Hit it with a rock. Once you get that bad boy rolling give it a gentle nudge and watch as you do everyone a favor and remove that vehicle from the above water world. Crabs are back in the water, that awful car cant hurt anyone any more and now you're best friends with the bus driver.

You're welcome.

***DrunkenTeddy*** · 09-16-2022, 11:43 AM

Oh boy time to mentor a rookie! Well first off I would tell them to steer clear of Fitted when he has had a bunch of drinks. I assume someone would learn that pretty quickly though. I'd show them pictures of Nash, maybe introduce them, if a new player doesn't get along with Nash they get put on the trade block, so this is pretty important. Then I'd probably show them around town, there are some really good seafood joints in the area and I'd take them to one of those. Then probably just show them the sites and different areas around town. Oh I guess I would want to show them the actual hockey facilities too, the gym, the different equipment we can use, it can be disorienting moving to a new city and not really knowing what you can do to stay in shape and get ready for the next game, so anything I can do to help I would do.

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Michiganonymous · 09-16-2022, 12:46 PM

Messer says:

Quote:"Dear Crab Camaro --

I will admit that I'm very curious how you got into this particular situation, but that's none of my business. The bad news is that car belongs to the crabs now. I don't know why 60+ horseshoe crabs would want a '09 Camaro, but my best guess is this is some kind of a crab college fraternity thing. Even if you're only dealing with some horseshoe crab frat bros, don't be fooled. Those things have survived planetary extinction events, their blood contains the strongest bacterial anti-toxin known to man, and they eat almost anything. Fun fact, they don't have teeth, so they use their legs to rip chunks of food and crush it into tiny pieces. That crab who pinched your nose was definitely trying to eat you. Maybe it was a pledge thing: if you want to join Kappa Rho Alpha Beta you have to steal a car and eat a human.

There's a small chance that you might be able to negotiate some kind of truce or shared custody agreement if you replace the back seat with a saltwater tank, fill the passenger seat with wet sand, and keep the trunk well-stocked with rotting fish, but man, at that point is it even worth it? Your best bet is to just toss the keys over to them and run like heck. Sorry bro."

Be sure to send in your questions for the next edition of our new weekly column, "Message Messer!"

Kyamprac · 09-16-2022, 01:09 PM

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*CptSquall* · 09-16-2022, 01:59 PM

***CampinKiller*** · 09-16-2022, 02:13 PM

PLAYER PROMPT

Anyone new to the Montreal Patriotes's organization would need to find a couple different players to talk to so they knew all the secrets and tips. First, they would need to go find defenseman Jonathon Hagan. Hagan can tell any player all the best spots in every city in the league for partying, drinking, and that sort of thing. He also keeps a case in his locker room stall, so any new players wanting to partake would know to hit him up for a drink. Next would be Sconnie McHits. He has the inside info on what the team meal is going to be, and for some reason, is even capable of getting it changed if he so chooses. Finally, any new players would need to speak to Mads McBride. While only in his sophomore season, McBride was the rookie Captain of the Patriotes, and he knows all the secrets of the organization, and even has a guy who can do whatever is needed, loaned from Vadim Askerov.

Crunk · 09-16-2022, 02:20 PM

Creative Prompt
Dear Crab,

This is quite the situation. I had crabs once - never hook up with a chick with a face tattoo - and a medicated shampoo cleared it right up. Your situation seems somewhat more complicated though.

As I see it, you have three options:

1) Report your car stolen - tow your car a couple streets away, make up some bullshit and call it in. When it is found, the crabs are the problem of the local police department.

2) Insurance fraud - like the above, but light your car on fire before you report it stolen. You can collect the insurance, and probably get some decent meat out of the crabs. Bring some thousand island for dipping.

3) Cut your losses - you mentioned that an encounter with the crabs had left you with a big red nose... it's time to cash in on that and join the circus. You are now a natural clown. With all your clowning money you can afford a new car. Maybe one with crab-proofing.

Good luck with it,

Crunk

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