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Cycro · 07-19-2023, 09:59 PM

PRE INTRODUCTION

I have been advised by my legal team to state that this is entirely a work of parody and no offense is intended in the slightest. I simply don't understand hockey and had to find a fun way to analyze the draft. I hope y'all enjoy, now let's get to the action!

INTRODUCTION

The S72 SMJHL draft is in the books, and what an absolutely thrilling evening it was. From shade being thrown unilaterally at Boston fans, to picks (almost) being announced out of their turn, the excitement was absolutely palpable. But as we all wake up today, cozy in the knowledge that an electric season is upon us, we all have to ask ourselves this: who won the draft? That’s going to be hard to quantify because there are so many angles we could choose to examine this from. Maybe the winner is the one who has gained the best personalities for their locker room. Maybe the winner managed to snag one or two high-earning first gens who will round out their roster.

Or maybe, just maybe, the winner is the team that drafted the best names.

Guys, gals, and non-binary pals, I present to you: Cycro’s Completely Unbiased Rating of Teams Based Upon the Names of Their Drafted Players (Because Actual Hockey Statistics Are a Mystery to Me). Or, Cycro’s Champions if you’re boring and want a shorter name.

Armada

Anchorage Armada Armada

Drafted Players

Jean-Francois Bokassa
Sim Wen
Ubba Lodbrok

Starting us off is Anchorage with 3 picks this season. Jean-Francois just rolls beautifully off the tongue, while Sim Wen’s name is also the question I ask myself most of the offseason. Great Heathen Army commander Ubba Lodbrok rounds out the picks with a name that sounds as fierce as the man himself. Solid names but none that wow me.

I grade Anchorage a C+.

Kraken

Carolina Kraken Kraken

Drafted Players

Betzee Nickleback
Benji Hunter

Carolina gets things heating up with solid entry Betzee Nickleback, whose name evokes memories of everyone pretending to hate Nickleback then going home to listen to Photograph on repeat in shame. Benji is the best character in Pitch Perfect, so Benji Hunter gets some points there.

Betzee Nickleback earns some points here but a lack of picks means Carolina comes in with a C+.

Raptors

Colorado Raptors Raptors

Drafted Players

Xavier Beausoleil
Update Portal
Jussi Mutou
Liam Rodgers
Nik Smith

Colorado with an absolute plethora of picks give themselves an excellent chance at a solid grade. Leading off the pack is Xavier Beausoleil. Gotta love a good “X” name so definitely some points there. Following a strong start is one of my candidates for Name of the Draft, Update Portal. It should be noted that any other usage of Update Portal by the league constitutes a breach of copyright. Jussi Mutou comes up next, proving once again that Finnish names just sound really cool, like a character out of a fantasy novel. Rounding out the draft are Liam Rodgers and Nik Smith. Both fine names if not explosive.

Colorado finishes up with a solid B+.

Falcons

Detroit Falcons Falcons

Drafted Players
Prince Marius
Mephistopheles Morgonstjarna
Kenny Omega
Gavin Harrison

Detroit came to party in this year’s draft, hopping on the “cool names” train early and with authority. First up we have Prince Marius, who just be an actual titled Prince, though our researchers have been unable to confirm that. Mephistopheles Morgonstjarna slides in second with a name that is both epic and a contender for the “Name So Long It Broke The Sim” silver cup. Kenny Omega rounds out the power trio with a name that sounds like what the Big Tough American in any given anime is called. Gavin Harrison brings up the tail of this group with a name that, while not epic in its own right, is my favorite “G” name so some points for that.

All in all, Detroit prove they came with their eye on the prize and score a solid A+.

Great Falls Grizzlies

Drafted Players

Jani Manty
Jae-ik Barron
Declan Van Ryker

The Grizzlies came through with an admirable attempt but clearly based their picks more on the quality of the player than the power of their given names. Jani Manty comes in with a name that gives off subtle “singer on a 3am infomercial album” vibes, which is easy to miss on first glance but delightful on further inspection. Jae-ik Barron is their second pick, whose name slides so easily from the hyphenated “Jae Ik” to the anglicized “Jake” in my mind that I can’t unhear it. Declan Van Ryker comes in as the third pick, with a name so Ivy League it rejected me from Rush week before the draft even ended.

The Grizzlies earn themselves a respectable C this season.

Knights

Kelowna Knights Knights

Drafted Players

Jonas Salat
Brooklyn Physt
Ho Lee-Smokes

Kelowna came into the draft room with their hands in their pockets and shades on their faces, because they knew with the third overall pick they had already won the Coolest Names award. Jonas Salat, Mr. “Salad Fingers” himself, breezed onto their board like a caressing wind, softening the landing for Brooklyn Physt and Ho Lee-Smokes. Brooklyn brings along strong “punch your local nazi” energy with her last name, and Ho Lee-Smokes comes in to win the Strongest Pun award.

In my absolutely unbiased opinion, I can do nothing but rate Kelowna an A+.

I’ve been told by my editors that no matter what I claim, my opinion is clearly biased and I am not allowed to grade Kelowna. Instead, our Intern Walter, despite having practically zero Big Name Energy, has been given the task and has assigned Kelowna a B-.

Timber

Maine Timber Timber

Drafted Players

Jeff Goldblum
Jordan Thompson

Possibly one of the biggest statement picks of the evening, Maine comes in with Jeff Goldblum himself. Noted for being exceptionally hostile to all who attempt to clarify the pronunciation of his last name, Jeff is well known in the Powerful Names circles and instantly bumps Maines standing by at least half a point. Jordan Thompson takes the slot as their second pick and while he doesn’t exude Big Name Energy himself, does nothing to take away from his teammate Jeff.

Maine receives a C for this draft ranking simply due to a small sample size.

Nevada Battleborn

Drafted Players

Unspeakable Horror
Milk Jones

Nevada is here to show everyone what to do when you want to win the Name Game but only have a couple of picks. Unspeakable Horror, ironically enough, is a name that speaks for itself. You don’t need to know this players physical attributes or anything about their past to know exactly what you’re getting: an unaging, all-knowing, unknowable being from beyond the cosmos. How do you follow that up? By drafting Milk Jones, who our research team can only assume is a literal sentient glass of milk. The very definition of a Speakable Horror.

Despite only having 2 picks, Nevada earns themselves a well-deserved A-.

Newfoundland Berserkers

Drafted Players

Sad Ketchup
Ondrej von Stoodrick

Newfoundland joins the draft as a member of the Two-Picks Club and hits it out the park with their first pick in Sad Ketchup. The name itself evokes melancholic mystery. Why is the ketchup sad? Can ketchup even feel? Is it aware that it is a mid-at-best condiment? We may never know. Sad Ketchup is followed by Ondrej von Stoodrick, a name that sounds like it comes straight from Dutch Royalty.

Newfoundland find themselves the proud owner of a B rating.

Quebec City Citadelles

Drafted Players

Ryland Murphy

Not a whole lot to say for Quebec this year, unfortunately. A single pick that has netted them Ryland Murphy, who is likely to be an excellent hockey player in his own right, but who brings Suburban Dad Name energy to the draft board.

Quebec receives a D this year, and that’s only because St. Louis didn’t have any picks and thus sets the grading curve for an F.

Elk

Regina Elk Elk

Drafted Players

Guy Incognito
Bobby Tkachuky
Mac Turner
Red Panda

Regina comes in with an admitted leg up due to having one of my favorite Franchise City names. Regina is just fun to say. That being said, we have a solid, if not amazing, draft class here with some standout names. Guy Incognito blends two of my favorite things together: the irreverent interviewer from MXC, Guy LeDouche, and Google Chrome’s Incognito mode. Bobby Tkachuky comes in hot with some bonus points for a last name I simply will never be able to pronounce. Mac Turner at number three holds the distinction of being the only player in this year’s draft to be named after legendary New England Patriots quarterback Mac Jones, and Red Panda brings up the rear with the honor of being named after one of the most adorable animals to grace the earth.

A truly solid showing from Regina, who net themselves a B+ for their efforts. No truly stand out Big Name Energy but a well rounded group nonetheless.

St. Louis Scarecrows

Drafted Players

N/A

Y’all know I hate to do it. But with no picks, St. Louis earn themselves an F in the Big Name ratings.

Whalers

Vancouver Whalers Whalers

Drafted Players

Graham Schwartz

Vancouver come into the S72 draft as the other member of the One-Pick Duo and, like their counterparts in Quebec City, go for quality of player over strength of name. However, Graham does earn Vancouver some bonus points for bringing the legendary space-based superpower The Schwartz to the SHL.

Vancouver earn a D+ rating.

Yukon Malamutes

Drafted Players

Kristian Seppanen
Florian Soderberg Motyla
Jim Wen

Finally, the Malamutes bring up the rear with a respectable showing. Kristian Seppanen brings to mind the image of the lead guitarist of a Finnish Black Melodeath band who exclusively sing songs about cabins on lakes. Florian Soderberg Motyla earns the coveted “She Sells Seashells” award for the name most likely to be a tongue twister on podcasts. And finally Jim Wen, brother of Sim Wen, brings along “second favorite sibling” energy with this name, almost as though their parents were trying to recapture some of the magic of Sim but didn’t quite get there.

Yukon receives a C+ for their showing.

CONCLUSION

I hope you all enjoyed this Comprehensive And Completely Unbiased (™) rating of the S72 SMJHL Draft. If you have any questions or comments, please direct them all to Intern Walter, who is still upset that I said he didn’t have Big Name Energy. Please, distract him so that I don’t have to hire yet another Intern.

It’d be the fifth time this year.