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***cake307*** · 04-01-2024, 04:18 AM

You know that joke that goes ‘what's a pirate's favorite letter? The C!’?

Well, I think pirates and hockey fans wouldn't get along very well, because hockey fans like to blame whoever has the C for all their woes. And I don't even blame them; that's part of the job. When you put on the jersey and it has the C (or the A), you expect more pressure. You expect to be the leading voice of the players, to be their representative to management and from management to them. You expect fans to single you out when things go wrong.

So, if you asked me, the C is the heaviest letter there's ever been.

So you might ask, who in their right mind would give that to a rookie? Even more, one who didn't grow up around professional hockey? Well, truth be told, I'm pretty sure the locker room in Saint Louis isn't in their right mind, and maybe neither am I, because they voted for me and I accepted.

To be honest, I think that maybe I wasn't ready, not fully. Even in a team with eight rookies this season, being a rookie captain was a challenge. But I'm glad to have been given that role, and to have that chance to follow up on my words.

I know it wasn't the greatest season, Saint Louis. But when you're starting from the bottom, every step forward is a big one.

Sometimes, though, it feels like I need to be Atlas, holding up the world, and Sisypheus, with his unending boulder, at the same time. I don't want anyone to think I'm criticizing the front office, because I'm not. They've been nothing but excellent to me, and so have the coaches. I've made plenty of friends in the team, and most of my interactions with fans are positive, too. I even recognize a few of the diehards who come to every game now.

The thing is, though, it isn't really about how positive my interactions with them are. There's a certain loneliness to being the Captain of the team at the pro level. This isn't the same as when I was captain on a roller hockey team just because I was the most talented. Now, I need to be more than just the best player, I need to be a guiding light. I need to organize the team, I show them both with my play and with my words how we should handle problems. Even when I'm tired, or sick, I need to be first in and last out, because my standards are going to be the mark everyone else is looking to strive for.

And sometimes, it feels like the more I give, the less I have left of myself.

Towards the end of this season, I admit, I began to hit a slump. It affected my play on the ice, people noticed. A hockey podcast I listen to mentioned outright that they didn't like my attitude, or my play, that there were better second overalls. This was a particular low point for me. I still feel a little bit like I let the team, and our fans, down. I'm sorry for that.

But that's when the community began to reach out to me. Friends I'd made previously, even on other teams, called me. I spoke with my teammates, and the front office reached out, too. I saw comments online from my classmates, calling out the podcast, making jokes, and I realized something.

‘You don't have to do it all alone,’ my dad used to tell me. But that was always who I was. The one who didn't want or need others' support, because I was going to support them. Well, that doesn't work at the professional level for a normal player, much less someone being named captain while still adjusting to a whole new way of life.

But I was only alone because I let myself be. No, actually, because I made myself be. I ignored my support systems, I overworked myself, I forgot that I have friends and comrades. I wasn't having fun playing hockey, living the dream of thousands of people. I was treating it like a monster.

I started to improve again after that. I don't think I fully climbed out of that slump, but I got better. I spoke to my teammates more, and my coaches. I called my friends, I stopped listening to hockey podcasts every single day and began to listen to other things. I'm still working on it, but I'm becoming a better player and person, because every step forward is a big one.

I still aim to make a difference here, in Saint Louis. I know my hometown is getting a team, and I'm excited for them, but I've already taken this city into myself, and put parts of myself into this city. This time, though, I'm going to ask the city to make a difference with me.

Here’s to another season, building to bring the new Scarecrows we promised you, game by game. C might be the heaviest letter, but I wouldn’t drop it for the entire world.

-Alexa Johansen

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