Login

Baron1898 · 12-03-2024, 03:23 PM

Although many scouts who have talked to me thus far seem to assume otherwise, I am a recreate only in the strictest of legal definitions – I created once half a decade ago, I spent maybe an hour tops on the site and did one task, and then I never touched the SHL again. My existing knowledge of the league is essentially zero. So what is a girl to do when it turns out there are sixteen SMJHL teams, double the number of teams in the DSFL? How am I meant to weigh the merits of each team against each other when I know nothing about sim hockey history, sim hockey in general, or hockey even more in general?

(Also, I need money.)

The solution to my problems is to rank every team by the only metric that matters: roller coasters. Which team locations have a well-stocked collection of home parks that I can travel to for a quick day trip? The more options there are within the area, and the better those options are, the better a location is. Conversely, teams who play in a coaster desert are more miserable and therefore a worse place to be. As we shall soon discover, there is a wide disparity between the best and worst SMJHL franchises. Place your bets now on which teams will come out on top and which teams will stay in the gutter where they belong.

Before we start, let's lay out some ground rules.

We will use the most generous definition of a roller coaster that enthusiasts could agree on. If it's on RCDB, it counts – mountain coasters, for example, will be allowed. Coasters and parks under construction do not count. Coasters that are SBNO (Standing But Not Operating) will count, but if an entire park is SBNO, it will not. If my count for a park is slightly off, sue me.
The closer a roller coaster is, the better. It's not a real home park if you have to make a dedicated journey and buy hotel rooms for an overnight stay. Only parks within a three hour driving radius will be credited towards a team's ranking, and parks within an hour will be weighed more heavily. Times are calculated via Google Maps.
Distances will be measured from a team's designated arena. For those teams who reside in a fictional arena, or for those whose arenas are not listed on their team information page (looking at you, Thunder Bay and Vancouver), an appropriate real-life substitute will be used instead. The choices for arena are given here:

Colorado Raptors: Ball Arena
Detroit Falcons: Yost Ice Arena
Great Falls Grizzlies: Great Falls Ice Plex
Nevada Battleborn: City National Arena
San Diego Tidal: Pechanga Arena
St. Louis Scarecrows: Centene Community Ice Center
Thunder Bay Walleye: Norwest Arena
Vancouver Whalers: Rogers Arena
Having a thematically appropriate coaster in the lineup doesn't affect the ranking, but it is a cool bonus. What could be cooler than riding a coaster basically themed after your team?

With that established, let's get cracking!

Tier 1: Please Move Somewhere Else Immediately
[Image: Newfoundland-min.png]

Parks Within 1 Hour:
None

Parks Within 3 Hours:
None

Closest Roller Coaster:
Runaway Mine Train, Atlantic Splash Adventure (21 hours, 33 minutes)

This team clearly made a huge error in relocating from Lethbridge to St. John's. Sure, Alberta is hardly a coaster-rich territory, but there would be at least one place in Calaway Park that players could travel to within a reasonable time frame. The Berserkers of today are not so lucky. Their closest roller coaster is almost AN ENTIRE DAY AWAY by car, including having to board a ferry to Nova Scotia. And to go through all that effort just to ride a glorified traveling coaster? Yeah, count me out.

Parks Within 1 Hour:
None

Parks Within 3 Hours:
None

Closest Roller Coaster:
Aftershock, Alaska State Fair (12 hours)

You'll notice as we go through this list that the density of roller coasters in an area is very much a product of historical trends and populations – the U.S. has a massive collection, especially along the East Coast and in the Midwest, because of the prevalence of old trolley parks, seaside boardwalks, and carnivals out of which amusement parks sprung. Canada is comparatively barren, and that is especially true in territories like Yukon where the population density makes running a profitable park absolutely untenable. But at least the Malamutes don't have to board a ferry.
[Image: GreatFalls-min.png]

Parks Within 1 Hour:
None

Parks Within 3 Hours:
None

Closest Roller Coaster:
Flathead Lake Alpine Coaster, Flathead Lake Alpine Coaster (3 hours, 52 minutes)

Here is the first of many mountain coasters to appear on the list. The players of Great Falls still don't really have a home park, which considering the size and remoteness of their city is understandable, but at least they don't have to pull an all-nighter to find a roller coaster within range. Perhaps if they relocated a few hours to the west and picked up Silverwood as a home park, their players would be motivated enough to win their first franchise trophy.

Parks Within 1 Hour:
None

Parks Within 3 Hours:
None

Closest Roller Coaster:
Timber Twister, Spirit Mountain (3 hours, 33 minutes)

Thunder Bay's team info seems really set on them still being the Regina Elk, for some reason, but their relocation to Thunder Bay actually did give them slighter better roller coaster prospects. Still not much, obviously – just another mountain coaster, too far away to really count as a home park attraction. And while the location does look pretty, the only aspect of a city that matters is its proximity to an amusement park, and the Walleye don't really get that here.

Tier 2: These Are Some Real Slim Pickings
[Image: Kelowna-min.png]

Parks Within 1 Hour:
None

Parks Within 3 Hours:
Revelstoke Mountain Resort, 2 roller coasters (2 hours, 35 minutes)

Closest Roller Coaster:
The Pipe Mountain Coaster, Revelstoke Mountain Resort (2 hours, 35 minutes)

Finally! Kelowna is just a smidge too far north and east to pick up any parks in Washington State or the Vancouver area and too far west to grab a few more mountain parks, but they do manage to pick up one resort's mountain coaster and get within the home park radius. Technically the Pipe Mountain Coaster is two coasters because it has two tracks, but those experiences are practically identical and so it will not add much to the tally. Still, the Knights have a weekend retreat that they can just barely manage to go to whenever they have a bye.
[Image: Anchorage-min-2.png]

Parks Within 1 Hour:
Alaska State Fair, 1 roller coaster (45 minutes)

Parks Within 3 Hours:
None

Closest Roller Coaster:
Aftershock, Alaska State Fair (45 minutes)

The Armada are incredibly lucky that a permanent roller coaster installation finally made its way to Alaska within the past few years, because otherwise they would easily be at the bottom of the entire ranking. Case in point, you'll notice that this is also the closest park for the Malamutes. The offering here is far from exceptional, a standard Pinfari Galaxi like the hundreds of identical models around the world, but the great proximity gives Anchorage the edge over Kelowna's collection.

Tier 3: You Get a Passing Grade
[Image: Nevada-min.png]

Parks Within 1 Hour:
Las Vegas Mini Gran Prix, 1 roller coaster (13 minutes)
Adventuredome, 2 roller coasters (20 minutes)
Broadacres Marketplace, 1 roller coaster (23 minutes)
New York, New York Hotel and Casino, 1 roller coaster (23 minutes)
Buffalo Bill's Resort and Casino, 1 roller coaster (46 minutes)

Parks Within 3 Hours:
None

Closest Roller Coaster:
Piff the Magic Dragon, Las Vegas Mini Gran Prix (13 minutes)

Best Roller Coaster:
El Loco, Adventuredome (20 minutes)

The Battleborn are the first team on the list to have a variety of places to choose from, and luckily for them everything is within the magic hour range. Unfortunately, being in Las Vegas means that their options are almost entirely one-off coasters packaged with a hotel or resort, which can range wildly from El Loco and Canyon Blaster at Adventuredome to the legendarily horrid Big Apple Coaster and Desperado. The former has apparently gotten better with new trains, but unfortunately for the Battleborn (and perhaps fortunately for their physical health) Desperado has been SBNO at Buffalo Bill's since 2019. At least they can hop down to the Broadacres Marketplace and ride a kiddie coaster whose theme is definitely copyright infringement. Now that there are multiple coasters to choose from we can have a good shot at achieving some thematic synergy; unfortunately, the best fit for the Battleborn is probably Desperado again since the latter fights people. Tough draw.
[Image: QuebecCity-min.png]

Parks Within 1 Hour:
Méga Parc, 2 roller coasters (7 minutes)

Parks Within 3 Hours:
Zoo de Granby, 1 roller coaster (2 hours, 27 minutes)
La Ronde, 8 roller coasters (2 hours, 34 minutes)

Closest Roller Coaster:
Electro, Méga Parc (7 minutes)

Best Roller Coaster:
Goliath, La Ronde (2 hours, 25 minutes)

The Citadelles pick up the first actual major amusement park of the list, but unfortunately for them, La Ronde is a garbage tier Six Flags. Even garbage has its merits, though – Goliath is the first actually great ride to be in a hometown park, and the sheer quantity of forgettable slop populating the rest of the park is still enough to fill out a day's worth of relaxation. Having two coasters practically a stone's throw away from the stadium hardly hurts either. To my knowledge, a citadelle is a fortress or castle, so I suppose Dragon at La Ronde is a decent fit since they always attack castles. Still, I think this year's champions should probably look into a relocation spot with a roller coaster collection that suits them better. Might I suggest eastern Pennsylvania?

Parks Within 1 Hour:
Fun Haven, 1 roller coaster (12 minutes)
Camp Fortune, 1 roller coaster (39 minutes)

Parks Within 3 Hours:
Sommet Saint-Sauveur, 1 roller coaster (2 hours, 6 minutes)
Pays des Merveilles, 2 roller coasters (2 hours, 14 minutes)
La Ronde, 8 roller coasters (2 hours, 25 minutes)
Santa's Workshop, 1 roller coaster (3 hours)

Closest Roller Coaster:
Crazy 8, Fun Haven (12 minutes)

Best Roller Coaster:
Goliath, La Ronde (2 hours, 25 minutes)

Oh hey, it's La Ronde again! The Citadelles and Highlanders can boast something matched by no other two teams in the league – the potential for a cross-team vacation visiting the same hometown park. If Highlanders is referring to Canadian infantry and not Scottish people, then Intrépide at Pays des Merveilles would be a good branding synergy choice since they would hopefully be fearless soldiers. There are two other trends here that the Highlanders are less unique to have. First is the random prevalence of small amusement parks named after Santa Claus. Second is the commonality of coasters like Crazy 8 at Fun Haven, a particular spinning coaster model by SBF Visa that seems to be fucking everywhere. If there's an FEC (Family Entertainment Center) or similar mall/fair sort of exhibition in this list, there's a good chance that their coaster credit is another SBF Visa. Trust me from experience, they're not worth riding.
[Image: Maine-min.png]

Parks Within 1 Hour:
Funtown Splashtown U.S.A., 2 roller coasters (22 minutes)
Palace Playland, 3 roller coasters (25 minutes)
York's Wild Kingdom, 1 roller coaster (49 minutes)

Parks Within 3 Hours:
Canobie Lake Park, 3 roller coasters (1 hour, 28 minutes)
Canmore Mountain Resort, 1 roller coaster (1 hour, 28 minutes)
Story Land, 2 roller coasters (1 hour, 35 minutes)
Gunstock Mountain Resort, 1 roller coaster (1 hour, 42 minutes)
Fun World, 1 roller coaster (1 hour, 43 minutes)
Santa's Village, 2 roller coasters (2 hours, 19 minutes)
Edaville Family Theme Park, 2 roller coasters (2 hours, 34 minutes)

Closest Roller Coaster:
Wild Mouse, Funtown Splashtown U.S.A. (22 minutes)

Best Roller Coaster:
Yankee Cannonball, Canobie Lake Park (1 hour, 28 minutes)

This is a severe case of quantity over quality, with practically all of these parks save Canobie Lake and maybe Funtown Splashtown U.S.A. either being very family-oriented small parks or individual rides like mountain coasters. It is nice for the Timber to have so many options, especially since they could easily be combined into a day trip that hits two or even three parks, but their location is wasting potential because there are no parks north of Portland anywhere close. If they were just a little bit more south and west, they could add some heavy hitters like Six Flags New England to the roster and really bump up a few spots. I suggest Concord or Boston. For a team theme coaster, Mountain Coaster at either of the two resorts in range is a decent fit for timber given the forests of said mountains.

Tier 4: This Is a Pretty Good Situation
[Image: Vancouver2.png]

Parks Within 1 Hour:
Playland, 4 roller coaster (10 minutes)
Cypress Mountain, 1 roller coaster (32 minutes)

Parks Within 3 Hours:
Cultus Lake Adventure Park, 2 roller coasters (1 hour, 10 minutes)
Remlinger Farms, 1 roller coaster (2 hours, 44 minutes)
Wild Waves Theme and Water Park, 4 roller coasters (2 hours, 53 minutes)
Washington State Fair, 2 roller coasters (3 hours)

Closest Roller Coaster:
Kettle Creek Mine Coaster, Playland (10 minutes)

Best Roller Coaster:
Thundervolt, Playland (10 minutes)

Vancouver is in a fortunate position to have their best park on offer also be the closest. Just ten minutes from their stadium, the Whalers can hop down on their lunch break and go ride the historic and imaginatively named Coaster or the punchy Intamin/Zamperla refurbished Thundervolt. They can also take a bit more time and hop over the border to go for Wild Waves, a collection led by the S&S woodie Timberhawk; while none of these are exceptional or even as good as a ride like La Ronde's Goliath, the overall quality and variety inches it into this tier. Unfortunately there's no great fits for the Whalers in terms of a thematic match. I guess Wild Thing at Wild Waves, since whales are wild things (?). The Pacific Northwest isn't exactly a coaster paradise, but at least it's not a desert.
[Image: StLouis-min.png]

Parks Within 1 Hour:
Six Flags St. Louis, 10 roller coasters (32 minutes)
Aerie's Resort and Winery, 1 roller coaster (44 minutes)

Parks Within 3 Hours:
Miner Mike's Adventure Town, 1 roller coaster (2 hours, 27 minutes)
Grady's Family Fun Park, 2 roller coasters (2 hours, 38 minutes)

Closest Roller Coaster:
Screamin' Eagle, Six Flags St. Louis (32 minutes)

Best Roller Coaster:
Mr. Freeze: Reverse Blast, Six Flags St. Louis (32 minutes)

As a new Scarecrow alumnus myself, I know that I (and surely every other player) have been thinking the same thing: man, this location is frustrating! The presence of Six Flags St. Louis, a park that is miles above La Ronde, is the sole reason this team is hanging around this tier. But if this was located just an hour west, somewhere like Jefferson City, the number of major parks within the three hour vicinity would jump from one to three with Worlds of Fun and Silver Dollar City. Adding that many coasters – and actual elite coasters to boot, something Six Flags lacks – to the area would really elevate the team far above where they are presently situated. Branding synergy here is weak; Screamin' Eagle is the best bet, since eagles are birds like crows and people that are scared tend to scream.
[Image: Colorado-min.png]

Parks Within 1 Hour:
Elitch Gardens, 6 roller coasters (2 minutes)
Lakeside Amusement Park, 5 roller coasters (9 minutes)
Mile High Flea Market, 1 roller coaster (14 minutes)

Parks Within 3 Hours:
Copper Mountain, 1 roller coaster (1 hour, 11 minutes)
Santa's Workshop, 1 roller coaster (1 hour, 11 minutes)
Mustang Mountain Coaster, 1 roller coaster (1 hour, 13 minutes)
Breckenridge Ski Resort, 1 roller coaster (1 hour, 17 minutes)
Vail Ski Resort, 1 roller coaster (1 hour, 29 minutes)
City Park, 1 roller coaster (1 hour, 43 minutes)
Glenwood Caverns Adventure Park, 4 roller coasters (2 hours, 33 minutes)

Closest Roller Coaster:
Blazin' Buckaroo, Elitch Gardens (2 minutes)

Best Roller Coaster:
Defiance, Glenwood Caverns Adventure Park (2 hours, 33 minutes)

The Raptors lay claim to the most hometown of all home parks with Elitch Gardens, a park so close it literally takes six minutes to walk from the arena to the entrance gate. It's unfortunate that the Colorado parks also happen to be pretty bad, but at least the Raptors have plenty of options in the area, mainly from mountain coasters at regional ski resorts and even more so from Glenwood Caverns, which is probably the best home park they have. Besides the obvious star of Defiance, players can also ride Cliffhanger, which is the highest coaster by elevation in the country. There aren't any coasters themed to dinosaurs, though. A real shame. I guess if you put a gun to my head, I'd say the best branding coaster here is Dragon Coaster at Mile High Flea Market since they're both animals that don't exist today.
[Image: Carolina-min.png]

Parks Within 1 Hour:
Carowinds, 14 roller coasters (17 minutes)

Parks Within 3 Hours:
Yogi Bear's Jellystone Park Camp-Resort, 1 roller coaster (1 hour, 25 minutes)
Frankie's Fun Park, 1 roller coaster (1 hour, 27 minutes)
Tweetsie Railroad, 1 roller coaster (1 hour, 51 minutes)
Wilderness Run Alpine Coaster, 1 roller coaster (2 hours, 14 minutes)
Frankie's of Raleigh, 1 roller coaster (2 hours, 22 minutes)
Santa's Land, 1 roller coaster (2 hours, 53 minutes)

Closest Roller Coaster:
Fury 325, Carowinds (17 minutes)

Best Roller Coaster:
Fury 325, Carowinds (17 minutes)

With all due respect, nothing in this collection matters except for Carowinds. The Kraken are blessed with an amazing major amusement park close to downtown Charlotte, one with a pretty great top four and a world-class top two in Fury 325 and Copperhead Strike – two coasters that are in my personal top ten at #2 and #6 respectively. Fury 325 is the best closest coaster any team has by a landslide. Unfortunately they lack a signature team coaster; Carolina Cyclone at Carowinds would probably be the best match, but it's a real stretch. The other issue here comes from the same mistake that other teams have made. By placing their arenas right in the downtowns of major cities, they minimize the ability to find other major parks in a three-hour radius. But if they moved to a northern suburb of somewhere like Greenville, South Carolina, the Kraken would be able to call Dollywood and Six Flags Over Georgia home as well as Carowinds. The two best teams in the league take better geographical advantage of their surroundings.

Tier 5: The Choice of Any Coaster Enthusiast
[Image: Detroit-min.png]

Parks Within 1 Hour:
None

Parks Within 3 Hours:
C.J. Barrymore's Family Entertainment Center, 2 roller coasters (1 hour, 2 minutes)
Airway Fun Center, 1 roller coaster (1 hour, 28 minutes)
Craig's Cruisers Family Fun Center, 1 roller coaster (2 hours, 2 minutes)
Cedar Point, 18 roller coasters (2 hours, 4 minutes)
Memphis Kiddie Park, 1 roller coaster (2 hours, 26 minutes)
Paige's Crossing, 1 roller coaster (2 hours, 27 minutes)
Michigan's Adventure, 7 roller coasters (2 hours, 40 minutes)
Columbus Zoo and Aquarium, 2 roller coasters (2 hours, 42 minutes)
Scene75 Entertainment Center, 1 roller coaster (2 hours, 46 minutes)
Howard's Apples Farm Market, 1 roller coaster (2 hours, 48 minutes)
Scene75 Entertainment Center, 1 roller coaster (2 hours, 51 minutes)
Cedar Valley's Wild Frontier Fun Park, 3 roller coasters (2 hours, 54 minutes)

Closest Roller Coaster:
The Loop Coaster, C.J. Barrymore's Family Entertainment Center (1 hour, 2 minutes)

Best Roller Coaster:
Steel Vengeance, Cedar Point (2 hours, 4 minutes)

It's wild that a team with no amusement parks within an hour's drive of the arena still has a hometown park selection this amazing. Sure, there are lots of small and quaint family stops or soulless dime-a-dozen FECs, but positioning the team in Detroit has the benefit of grabbing two major parks in opposite directions. And while Michigan's Adventure does have Shivering Timbers, the obvious crown jewel here is Cedar Point, the self-titled Roller Coaster Capital of the World. Steel Vengeance might be the best coaster on the planet, and there are so many other standouts there that it makes listing them out a chore. Also at Cedar Point is Raptor, a coaster which is not themed to the dinosaur but rather to a bird of prey and is therefore perfect for branding synergy. Perhaps team management could maximize their benefits further by moving more to the south and trading Michigan's Adventure for Kings Island, but it's far from a need. Even with that move, though, there would still be one other team left on top...

Parks Within 1 Hour:
SeaWorld San Diego, 5 roller coasters (5 minutes)
Belmont Park, 1 roller coaster (6 minutes)
Sesame Place, 1 roller coaster (25 minutes)
LEGOLAND California, 3 roller coasters (30 minutes)
Mundo Divertido, 2 roller coasters (31 minutes)

Parks Within 3 Hours:
Disneyland, 4 roller coasters (1 hour, 18 minutes)
Disney California Adventure Park, 2 roller coasters (1 hour, 19 minutes)
Knott's Berry Farm, 10 roller coasters (1 hour, 23 minutes)
Adventure City, 2 roller coasters (1 hour, 24 minutes)
Castle Park, 1 roller coaster (1 hour, 25 minutes)
John's Incredible Pizza Company, 1 roller coaster (1 hour, 34 minutes)
Live Oak Canyon Farm, 2 roller coasters (1 hour, 40 minutes)
Universal Studios Hollywood, 2 roller coasters (1 hour, 50 minutes)
Pacific Park on the Santa Monica Pier, 1 roller coaster (1 hour, 55 minutes)
Six Flags Magic Mountain, 19 roller coasters (2 hours, 13 minutes)
Alpine Slide at Magic Mountain, 1 roller coaster (2 hours, 25 minutes)

Closest Roller Coaster:
Emperor, SeaWorld San Diego (5 minutes)

Best Roller Coaster:
GhostRider, Knott's Berry Farm (1 hour, 23 minutes)

San Diego's management was absolutely killing it when choosing a location (not so much on the team name, though). A major park right across the highway from the arena, with a classic beachside wooden coaster next door, is already a great start. Then add in more parks in the immediate San Diego area – including the only Mexican theme park of the list. The floodgates open an hour to the north, where the Tidal get access to one of the densest coaster regions in the entire country. Knott's? Magic Mountain? Disneyland? It's a crazy roster of both sheer quantity and fantastic quality; rides like GhostRider, Twisted Colossus, and Tatsu are simply elite. There are few possible places that another franchise could relocate to (at least if restricted to this continent) that would go toe to toe with San Diego. In branding synergy, too, San Diego shines. HangTime from Knott's Berry Farm is explicitly themed to surfing on a big wave, which as I understand it is basically what the Tidal are all about.

Then again, the Tidal's best record in four seasons of existence is 33-32-1, so maybe none of this actually matters and hockey players are miserable scaredy-cats who don't see the value in riding roller coasters.

(Please pay 2x first submission bonus)