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Leoben · 12-21-2024, 09:09 AM

1200 or so words. Maybe it's invalid I don't care.

I was reading some of the nonsense that’s been going on on the forum for the past few days with the sim and communication when something occurred to me. This isn’t fun. I then asked myself when was the last time the league was actually fun for me and I’d have to say it’s been three years. So that’s nice. So I’m awake way too early because my ceiling fan keeps making a noise and I can’t get back to sleep. For some reason I’m thinking about this God-forsaken place. Now I know what some of you are thinking. “Touch grass it’s just a hobby.” I agree. But I also work outdoors all day so unless you’re a farmer or a cow, I probably touch more grass than you already. I’m also aware of the saying that if you smell crap wherever you go, check your shoes. Or the other really clever one, “If you ran into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you ran into assholes all day, you’re probably an asshole.” Yes, I’m aware of all that. I’m aware there is probably truth to it. But over the past three years, and the five before that, I’ve learned a lot and changed a lot. I’d like to share some of those lessons and observations here. Kind of a survival guide, kind of a manifesto. Mostly just the ramblings of a miserable user.

Learn to Say No

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So this one is probably all on me. I’ll preface by saying I’m an addict/alcoholic but I’ve been sober for almost six years now. That being said, boundaries are a weakness of mine. Learning to say no is a huge weakness of mine. My happiness relies on everyone’s happiness with me. I’m working on it. But basically any time I’m asked to do something on here, I usually say yes. Most of the time it’s something like playing out of position. No problem. But then I’m curious why it’s always me getting asked? Are other people saying no? Are other people being asked or are they not because I already said yes? So I see my career and stats flounder for a season while counterparts are doing better. I did get nominated for the Brandon Holmes award so that was cute. Other instances involved being called up early. Do I want to? Not really but I don’t want to upset my new team/GM. So now I flounder in the big league. This obviously isn’t the fault of my GMs but more just something I need to learn how to do.

Answering Scouting Messages is 95% a Huge Waste of Time

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Hello Username
I’m with the team and would like to ask you questions.
Do you like hockey?
What are your hobbies?
Do you have Discord? If so, what is your Discord username (if you are answering this on Discord please disregard)
How many hours per week do you Discord? Will you be able to participate in our things?
What kind of player are you going to make?
Are you open to doing something different?
What is your favorite pizza topping?
Do you have any questions for us?

So anywhere from 10-20 of those every scouting cycle. Granted, I’ve recreated a bunch. It’s a lot of conversations to keep up with. It’s a lot of effort to do your best to respond to all of this. It’s incredibly frustrating when you get passed over, sometimes multiple times, by the teams you spent a lot of time talking with only to be drafted by a team that didn’t even scout you. I get it, it happens and I’m not throwing a moody over it, but it’s just not great.

Don’t Have a Different Opinion

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I think most of us on this site can agree that all humans should have certain rights but some groups definitely need more protection of those rights than others. I’m speaking as broad as I can here. But God forbid you dissent in any way. Even something as simple as “Well I don’t get it, but ok.” Or “I was raised differently but I’m trying.” You may as well retire. You’re no good to this league, you’re no good to society, you’re no good to anyone really. Don’t even try to change because it will never be good enough. Educate yourself? You’re too late. It’s not our job to educate you either. Do your own reading and be better. There’s a line in the sand and if you even have a pinky toe on the other side, just leave.

Standing Up for Yourself = Gaslighting

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Yea I Don't Know Enough About This Probably

Granted, the user defending themself/gaslighting has said some things in the past that aren’t better than bad.

I Kinda Suck Too

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Yea my past is chequered here too. Which is why it’s so odd. I was a vile and toxic user but I actually was given a second or third chance. But there’s no way I’d be given the same rope today. That’s why I’m disappointed.

Criticism or Attack? How Do I Spot the Difference?

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Some forms of questioning and constructive criticism will be interpreted as an attack and will be responded to in kind. Some attacks are actually just forms of questioning and constructive criticism. How do you spot the difference? Check the responses and try to gauge which way the conversation is going and go that way.

Take Breaks

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Seriously, you’re not getting in the Hall of Fame anyway. Just take a break from the site once a year, come back and recreate. Start over. Try again. There will probably be an additional scouting question though.
What will be different this time?
Just answer honestly. “Well gee willikers Mr. GM, I was really tired and had a lot going on. And I’m still tired and have a lot going on, but I’m ready now. I’m not going to put all these expectations on myself. I might be here a month or a year, I don’t know. But you don’t really care do you? Because I’m probably not going to be on your team anyway. But if I am, I’ll give it my all you can bet your lunch on that.”

You Will Not Like Everyone So Don’t Try To

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So I try to be positive most of the time. Even when I’m miserable or seething on the inside, which is also most of the time. It’s kind of the same problem I have with not being able to say no sometimes. I’m a people pleaser. So when someone is acting like a prick for reasons I don’t feel are necessary, I’ll still try to please the person acting like a prick to make them less prickish. But acting this way just makes them feel more justified with their prickishness. I might be inclined to say “Hey prick, I get it. You’re in the right here. If I were you, I’d be a prick to me too. So thank you for being a prick and bringing it to my attention.” Look, it’s a huge site with a lot of users. You’re not going to like everyone, some of them you might even strongly dislike. And that’s ok. Because I don’t like myself either!

This isn't a cry for help or a plea for attention. Certain things can be dismissed as such but way off the mark here.

Snussu · 12-21-2024, 09:22 AM

That was a interesting read, ty for sharing

***sköldpaddor*** · 12-21-2024, 09:32 AM

I am on mobile so I can’t respond to as much of this as I’d like right now, but I want to point to one thing as predominately false.

I have never, ever shunned someone who was open and willing to learn. It’s no secret that I come from a pretty bigoted conservative background myself, and I would be dead or still in that mess of toxicity if people hadn’t been good enough to educate me. It is no one’s responsibility to educate people who don’t believe they have the right to exist, but for myself personally, I believe very strongly in paying forward the emotional labor of education that was gifted to me.

If someone is genuinely “from a different generation but trying their best” I will be the first person in line to try to give them the information and answers to help them grow and learn. (I mean shit, I spent hours trying to educate the last person we banned for their insane bigotry, and they eventually escalated to full on antisemitic conspiracy theories in broad daylight, but I gave it the old college try).

What I won’t do is give space to people who are willfully and belligerently bigoted. Maybe there’s a minor chance that they come around someday, but there is a level of harm reduction that has to be done in a community this size. I will not ever prioritize the feelings of the willfully bigoted over the safety and comfort of the marginalized people in our community. Not ever. If they are awkward and fumbling but willing to learn, I have and will continue to attempt to help them, but that “line in the sand” is for people who have no interest in even trying.

Leoben · 12-21-2024, 09:59 AM

12-21-2024, 09:32 AMsköldpaddor Wrote: but I want to point to one thing as predominately false.

In your experience

Quote:I have never, ever shunned someone who was open and willing to learn. It’s no secret that I come from a pretty bigoted conservative background myself, and I would be dead or still in that mess of toxicity if people hadn’t been good enough to educate me. It is no one’s responsibility to educate people who don’t believe they have the right to exist, but for myself personally, I believe very strongly in paying forward the emotional labor of education that was gifted to me.

If someone is genuinely “from a different generation but trying their best” I will be the first person in line to try to give them the information and answers to help them grow and learn. (I mean shit, I spent hours trying to educate the last person we banned for their insane bigotry, and they eventually escalated to full on antisemitic conspiracy theories in broad daylight, but I gave it the old college try).

What I won’t do is give space to people who are willfully and belligerently bigoted. Maybe there’s a minor chance that they come around someday, but there is a level of harm reduction that has to be done in a community this size. I will not ever prioritize the feelings of the willfully bigoted over the safety and comfort of the marginalized people in our community. Not ever. If they are awkward and fumbling but willing to learn, I have and will continue to attempt to help them, but that “line in the sand” is for people who have no interest in even trying.

Cool. Like, I agree with literally everything you're saying here. My entire post was very anecdotal. People don't like that. This wasn't directed at you, you're great, but based on your position I can see why you wanted to respond.

***sköldpaddor*** · 12-21-2024, 12:05 PM

12-21-2024, 09:59 AMLeoben Wrote: In your experience

Cool. Like, I agree with literally everything you're saying here. My entire post was very anecdotal. People don't like that. This wasn't directed at you, you're great, but based on your position I can see why you wanted to respond.

Well that’s also kind of what I’m getting at here. I have chosen to do that work because I feel like I owe it to the people who did it for me. But not everybody has that experience. And no one, not in a sim league or anywhere else, is obligated to educate people who hold bigoted views, whether those views come from ignorance or malice. It is not the responsibility of marginalized people to do the work of educating every ignorant person in a sim league. And while yes, I voluntarily do some of that work, I will never presume to demand it of anyone else. Google is free. If someone really means well and wants to learn, the resources are out there. It is not on the people who’ve been harmed by those “dissenting viewpoints” to ignore that harm to coddle people who can’t be bothered to use Google. That’s not an unfair viewpoint for someone to have, as you seem to have indicated here. We all have uneducated people in our lives, and to expect everyone to have energy to educate their real life families and people being ignorant in a sim league is not always reasonable. Sometimes people don’t want to put their energy into educating every person in every space they’re in, and that’s okay.

***sliceruser*** · 12-21-2024, 12:52 PM

Learning to say no, taking breaks, and you wont like everyone so dont try to are 100% important to everyone to survive and not burnout.

As a gm i will say that scouting may appear pointless to some from thr outside but its really not. You have to scout a wide net so you dont miss people or let them feel left out and its to get a feel for their personality so you will know if they fit the locker roo.. even if you feel they will fit sometimes you arent able to justify moving up or down to get that user over another based off a very wide variety of background factors. I understand the frustration but they do matter.

The rest though isnt as simple as you splay it out. There exists outlier cases im sure but in most cases they cant be broken dowm into "i have a different opinion so dogpile them". Typically the users that get these dogpile come accross as pretty aggressive and when people try to speak to them they attack them to. If you arent trying to start a war with the whole site you will usually see some agree or people try to be reasonable about your thoughts.

I am a pessimist by nature as well but this some of these are a bit to pessimistic a way to look at things to be healthy imo.

If your way to have fun is only talking to people you like only playing 1 position and maxing out like fighting. Go for it do that This is meant to be fun. I implore you to have fun if you can

LGRW613 · 12-21-2024, 01:20 PM

I think the biggest thing is to not take anything here THAT seriously. Sim is late? Meh, who cares. This person has a different opinion than you? Cool. There is WAY too many people taking things WAY too seriously, and this seems to consistently keep people arguing with each other about random B.S.

Save the serious thoughts for those cool ass, in depth media posts with all the stats and league history. Those are the only times I ever appreciate how serious people are about the league, and if you ain't doing something like that, then PLEASE go touch grass