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mattebleu · 02-19-2025, 06:48 PM

(First-time media bonus)

It's been a rough start to the season for the St. Louis Scarecrows.

Most aren't surprised, as the team drafted eight new players and grabbed another through waivers. On the outside, many reporters believe the Scarecrows are getting desperate, but that's not true.

"We're a young team who still needs to build chemistry. As the players get accustomed to their lines, we'll be scoring more; we'll be winning more," said GM Nils Johansen. Nils is right - there will be growing pains as this youthful group transitions to the SMJHL, it's more than expected; however, the current rookies have a different outlook on the situation.

Swiffer Sweeper and Toivo Jokinen were the last players in the locker room after the team's devastating 0-7 loss to the Yukon Malamutes. They were crying into each other's arms, gasping for air. "I-I-I don't know what else we can do, we're smooching during every first TV timeout, how else are we supposed to build chemistry," sobbed Swiffer. It might sound crazy, but it's true: Jokinen and Sweeper have been caught giving each other little love pecks during games. Superstition aside, it's a mesmerizing scene for players and spectators alike.

Enough about the new romantics, though. Our reporters entered the locker room to ask Sweeper and Jokinen a pivotal question - who's to blame for the team's slow start?

'We don't like to blame any one player for our team's struggles," began alternative captain Jokinen, "But we will blame a general manager. Everything is Jimmy's fault, and it's always going to be his fault if we lose. We were just about to see Jimmy after our sob session. The reporters can come along if they want to; we've planned a parade for Jimmy and the team."

Camera crews rush to Jimmy's office

Folks... we.. we've never seen something like this. The St. Louis Scarecrows have hogtied their primary GM, Jimmy, to a teak log. While the log choice really makes Jimmy's skin shine in the office lighting, it's still a surreal scene. "Follow us," exclaims Jokinen, "We've got a parade to attend."

And a parade it was. Tens of people gathered in the streets of St. Louis. Most didn't have a clue what was happening, but a few chimed in with Swiffer's chanting, "We blame Jimmy! We blame Jimmy!" Jimmy was not phased, even with his arms and legs tied to a teak log. When you draft unhinged players, expect unhinged responses.

And so, after many snack breaks and naps, Swiffer, Toivo, and whatever strange individuals followed the two Scarecrows arrived at the Mississippi River, prepared to throw their GM into the waters in front of them. In unison, Swiffer and Toivo say, "Jimmy, it's time to repent for your actions. We are not playing to our expected caliber, and for that, you shall feel the strength of the Mississippi."

"Actually, you're playing to the caliber I expected," says Jimmy.

With tears in their eyes, the players throw Jimmy into the river. There's no music, no whimpers, just silence.

"Jimmy will be back," Nils Johansen solemnly says, "He always comes back."