09-29-2019, 02:18 PM(This post was last modified: 09-29-2019, 02:26 PM by treesap.
Edit Reason: grammar and pinging some boys
)
(480 Words)
Some may say that the biggest shock of last season was Vancouver not walking away with a second, back to back Four Star Cup with the pickup of Supreme Shitposter and Legendary Left Wing defenseman François Breton. Others may say the biggest surprise (and most depressing) moment was the public execution of beloved teammates Kaspars Claude and Jon Forty-One, who was the captain at the time. As time passes, they say it's crucial to move on, but so long as they remain apart from us, the Vancouver team may never be the same. That is, until the Satan spawn known as GM's decide it's time to move on.
And, thus, here I am, against my will with a gun pointed to my head to announce the Season 50 SMJHL Vancouver Whalers captains.
First off the bat, we have Bjorn Leppanen as one of our two Assistant Captains! A kind hearted soul with a penchant for committing murder on the ice, Bjorn managed an impressive -25 and and a cool 55 PIM over the course of the last regular season. With an overwhelming showing of passion in our first playoff game, Bjorn managed to get a game misconduct for instigating a fight in the first 18 seconds, all while personally in possession of the puck! Everyone here at the Whalers Lockerroom expects great, coolheaded decisions from our loveable Finnish bear.
Our second Ass Captain for the upcoming season is someone no one could hate, Bobby Bobcalf! Generally one of the quieter boys in the lockerroom, when he speaks up, it's nothing but good times and an intense feeling of welcome. Owner of the infamous Bobby Guarantee, he brings nothing but joy and positivity to the Whalers lockerroom; morale has literally never been higher. The only real problem is that he keeps bringing his ugly fucking cat to practice.
Now for where everything went wrong. Only God, and maybe the return of former captain J41, can save us now.
The ONE and ONLY lockerroom cancer has done it. He's made his de jure claim, and has somehow won. With his bossy demeanor and harassment, he's managed to claim captaincy by the balls. When asked by the GM's how they would feel if he was made captain, 100% of the Whalers lockerroom expressed extreme disgust, yet somehow, 100% of us voted for him. Are we all masochists? Maybe. My only hope is that my girlfriend doesn't find out about our illicit relationship.
This has been Mr. Bretons agent, Paul-Jean Boyvin, writing in the words of my client François Breton. Hope you're all having a better day than any of us in Vancouver,
Quote:The ONE and ONLY lockerroom cancer has done it. He's made his de jure claim, and has somehow won. With his bossy demeanor and harassment, he's managed to claim captaincy by the balls. When asked by the GM's how they would feel if he was made captain, 100% of the Whalers lockerroom expressed extreme disgust, yet somehow, 100% of us voted for him. Are we all masochists? Maybe. My only hope is that my girlfriend doesn't find out about our illicit relationship.
I'm no longer shocked by the public defamation anymore. Thank you all for your support, and thank you @"aaronwilson" for convincing Luke to get me. You have an eye for talent. To the A captains, Bjorn and Bobcalf, I am happy to have the two of you with me and that the team rewarded (demoted/ kept in the same role for Bobcalf) you with their votes. LETS GO WHALERS
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