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***Aephino*** · 01-17-2020, 01:45 PM

x2 Draft Media Bonus, 647 Words, Ready for Grading

S52 SMJHL Draft Prospects RANKED Based on Their RIDICULOUS QUOTES

The Brooklyn All-Interview Times

Jacob Murpheyson, 1/17/2020

The media has been going wild for the SMJHL Draft that will take place tomorrow. I am here to settle any debate with a pure analysis of the upcoming draft. Through our “sources” at the Times, we have acquired a multitude of unknown interviews with the players. In other words, we were listening to their conversations this past week, with or without consent. These took place during practices, in the locker rooms, at their apartments, or anywhere else we could find them. Compiling these word-for-word quotes together gives the world an exact list of players to be drafted early, counting down from 15. Enjoy and feast your eyes upon the hidden world of junior hockey players.

15. Hiroshi Ohira
“not great not terrible”
“obsession is one of my strong suits”
  “personally I think if you're not getting the popcorn shrimp or chicken at Popeyes you're doing it wrong”
  “Steve, can you drive me to the airport on Thursday?”

14. Jacob Rizzo
  “I wanna go first overall”
  “Draft me I score good”
  “I refuse to get drafted here, I’m SHL material right now”
  “Which team will best help me outpizza the hut”

13. Magnus Liljestrom
  “I'm missing two out of four ligaments woo”
  “But I'm a shitty skater”
  “I had 911 on speed dial in case I collapsed lol”
  “f-ing jelly of that fridge. I have a tiny apartment fridge.”

12. Frederick Wanesly
  “I don't have MS paint”
  “my car is actually horse drawn buggy”
  “only I can be the mediocre one”
  “It's a first world problem because you have to sneak away to use your powerful internet when people in less fortunate circumstances can't use it at all”

11. Valentin Kalashnikov
  “im a trillionaire”
  “are you a fan of egyptians?”
  “am i on acid?”
  “Now I tellz ya the Russians would never turn their back on young studs like that”

10. Bradley Barkov
  “finland winland”
  “sports are pain, yet I love them”
  “dont want to start any feuds because who knows, we might end up as teammates lol”
  “a true alpha move would be to hack the gm's draft boards and put your name #1”

9. Zoltan Topalo
  “They call me Zoltan the Negotiator”
  “Pull that sucker”
  “Somebody pass the sniffy salts please”
  “I can make you one boom”

8. Jaska Seppala
  “I’m high”
  “a dirty boy who loves getting pms from strangers”
  “im gonna be elite”
  “What if I don’t want to meet the SMJHL GMs”

7. Sven Svenson
  “It makes me erect”
  “Sven counts his blessing for lack of condoms everyday”
  “What about nudes, do GMs appreciate those?”
  “Sven just wants to be loved”

6. Edward Williams
  “bonjour je m'appelle Quebec”
  “wild card bitches”
  “one of the prospects is actually an undercover spy”
  “what if we assassinate the GMs and take over the teams ourselves?”

5. Chris Cerullo
  “I don't need to be at the draft right?”
  “I'm admitting to betting on games”
  “I've gone on Tinder in Sweden. It's Sweden.”
  “Frosted Lemonade from Chick Fil A is the greatest creation on earth”

4. Andrei Kostitsyn
  “i sacrifice alcohol and coke”
  “i call putin”
  “maybe he knows i am going direct to shl”
  “i sleep with their wife”

3. Ambacas Cuddles
  “Long ass day yesterday im fuckin exhausted”
  “Its okay man drugs are allowed in this league if not encouraged”
  “shut the fuck up”
  “Im retiring soon”

2. Steve Harrington
  “my 20s so far have been spent pretending im a gorgeous hockey player”
  “let's just say you dont get paid... with money”
  “i'll make my own draft with blackjack and hookers”
  “fuck it im out”

1. Axel Meszaros
  “Fuck you I'm not nice”
  “eat my ass”
  “sounds like a prime time to rob stores tbh”
  “sorry I'm trying to tank my draft stock so I can go undrafted”

***Aephino*** · 01-17-2020, 01:46 PM

"what the fuck how did they get those quotes" - Edward Williams

ml002 · 01-17-2020, 01:47 PM

Hell yeah Axel's numbah 1

Credit to Copenhagen, Wasty, FlappyGiraffe, InciteHysteria, and caltroit_red_flames
[Image: MM4nqx6.png]

*roastpuff* · 01-17-2020, 01:48 PM

Someone in the locker room snitched! That's low... so low...

*Ferda* · 01-17-2020, 01:50 PM

(clean) andrei kostitsyn got snubbed as usual

looking like another HO conspiracy just like CC2

***hotdog*** · 01-17-2020, 01:50 PM

love this

Hydracronis · 01-17-2020, 01:53 PM

Jacob Rizzo got snubbed, he deserves to be higher than 14

Mediocre_Fred · 01-17-2020, 01:53 PM

How in the world did you gather all of those? Have you been writing them down when you read something funny? Those are all 100% real right? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!