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The Player's Tribune: Cassius Darrow
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(This post was last modified: 05-24-2020, 01:32 PM by hhh81.)

The Truth
By: Cassius Darrow
After 10 seasons in North America, several as an important member of the Buffalo Stampede, you may have heard some things about me.

100 career points in the SMJHL. S44 Zach Miller Trophy recipient. 350 SHL games played, almost 200 career points. The fifth highest career plus minus rating in Buffalo franchise history, along with fifth in career shots blocked (473) among Buffalo players. Most Outstanding Defenseman of the S52 IIHF Tournament. Two-time Challenge Cup Champion. Silver (S50) and Gold (S49) Medalist in the IIHF World Championships.

Quiet. Unfriendly. Intense. A superstar and genius draft pick. A bust we need to trade. One of the most competitive and driven players in the SHL. Lover of good books, smoked meats, and quiet, rainy mornings.

I am Cassius Darrow, and this is my story.

Growing Up
I’m the son of Finn and Gemma Darrow. My father was a soldier in the German army. My mother is a washer woman, and has been as long as I can remember. My younger sister, Hanna, joined my mother in her work. It’s a simple life, honest work, and strange juxtaposed against the modern era we live in. I never expected when I was young that I would be a professional athlete. I was a quiet child, drawn to books and learning. My family was—and still is—my entire world.

I was not a naturally talented star in my earliest days. I started late with the sport, taking my first steps on the ice when I was seven years old. I struggled to get even the basics of skating, spending more time on my face than on my feet. I remember vividly my father, laughing as I struggled to stay upright. My father was a loving, if taciturn, man. His face showed such joy watching me. He skated over to me—seemingly effortlessly--and picked me back up, encouraging me to continue trying. Within a year, my skating got better and I began playing hockey, first as a winger. I remember trying so hard to practice my skating drills, working with all the fervor a seven-year-old is capable of, to be the best skater I could be. At that time, it never crossed my mind that for this to be anything more than a fun avocation. I honestly imagined myself following my parents’ modest path, either in the military like my father and uncles, or going to further education in business or a trade to support my family financially.

While I wasn’t a natural at first, I quickly took to the sport, enjoying the challenge and relishing every moment on the ice. I took small jobs wherever I could around my town to help bring in a little money for my family, so that my parents might be more free to accompany me to the rink. My mother beams when she shares stories about this time, and how my father always said my “tenacity on the ice began turning heads around age 12.” While playing for a community league team near our home, a scout from the German national development program saw me play. Hans Gerlich was this man, and he was taken with how I harrassed the opposing team’s forwards with my stickchecking along the boards and on the blueline. He saw potential in me. He spoke with my father and invited me to a few youth hockey camps. The professional attention and coaching, paired with my natural drive, helped add to my skillset and abilities. I made the switch to defense at this time, and learned more than I could have imagined about the nuances of being a rearguard.

By age 14 the locals said I was a name to watch in German hockey. I started regularly practicing and sometimes playing with the U16 German team. During this time, I met Karl Von Wittelsbach, fellow teenage German defender and presumed future Olympic phenom. All my hard work transitioned to an opportunity I never expected: becoming one of the youngest players to take a regular shift in the German developmental league at the age of 15.

I played with the Dusseldorfer EG (DEG) Metro Stars for two years, putting up impressive numbers and becoming a leader of my peers. I received a few offers from a DEL teams, but my focus was on North America and the SHL. I saw an opportunity to use my physical and mental gifts to help my family. My time with the German National Team and DEG helped me see I had an opportunity to make a career from my talents. It’s why I pushed myself so hard to be an elite athlete. I saw that I could help take care of my family, and the SHL is the best league in the world. I was going to be ready, no matter what.

I didn’t know it when I was young, but my father’s role in the military wasn’t a combat one. When little boys hear their father is a soldier, we have a very clear picture of drills and marching and firearms. While my father did have drills and such, and was capable of active duty service, his role was more administrative. My mother told me that he helped with logistics of supplies and shipments, mostly for humanitarian efforts the German army took on throughout Europe. We’re all very thankful he rarely was given assignments that took him more than a few hours away from our home in Cologne.

This makes the events of March 17, Season 42 so upsetting. On that date, while overseeing a supply transport to a small village near the Luxembourg-France border, my father’s regiment was ambushed by French rebels. A landmine caught their vehicle, which went rolling down the side of a ravine. There were no survivors. I was shocked beyond what words can express. My father was the most important person in my world, and a man I looked up to. His loss, in the midst of my first season with the DEG Metro Stars came as a shock.

Rather than fully processing my pain, I shut it away, and focused even more deeply on my hockey career. I was 15 years old, thriving as an athlete but hurting inside. It wasn’t until I came to North America that I started to unpack this trauma with a counselor. I recommend that everyone speak with a mental health professional, for the small or large things that challenge us in life. Through my time with my therapist, I’ve begun to understand some things about myself that I hid away for a long time.

My Secret

As a child and young man, I always knew I was different. Coaches and teammates would talk about it frequently, looking at how hard I practiced. How every drill was the most important thing from the way I pushed myself. My intensity in games. The time I punched my goalie in the face (in full goalie kit!) in practice for letting a few shots in during a drill he should have saved if he was trying. Yes, that story was true. I’m not proud of it. How I have continued to push my conditioning to its limits, even while we’ve all been under quarantine.

But it goes beyond that.

I’m asexual.

I didn’t know what that meant until recently. Through my friendship with Dominic Montgomery @bilbo, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned more and been able to process with my therapist, as well. Asexual people, or “ace” as Dom shares some people call it, “experience little or no sexual attraction”. This doesn’t mean ace people don’t engage in any sort or romantic partnership or physical relationship; it’s not the same as celibacy or abstinence. Some asexual people might engage in some or all sex acts, and have happy, loving committed romantic relationships. As with all aspects of gender and identity, all things exist on a spectrum. There aren’t clearly defined binaries or monoliths to speak for all people. That makes it hard to explain and harder to defend.

Part of this spectrum involves aromantic identities. Those who identify as aromantic do not have strong romantic feelings toward other people; aromantic people may still be sexual beings, but many are not. After many conversations with Dom, I believe I’m “asexual aromantic”, meaning don’t feel strong romantic or sexual feelings toward other people. I’ve never dated anyone, regardless of gender or sexuality, and I’ve never really felt the urge to do so. When I was a teenager, I was working, at school, or practicing on the ice; that left very little time to spend as my peers, shooting googly eyes at classmates. Then as I moved to North America—to Colorado and then Buffalo—I kept not spending much time worried about those things. I thought it was just I was driven to excel in hockey, but today I can tell you… it’s more than that.

I do not claim to be an expert. I’m learning and trying to figure everything out within myself—for the majority of those in queer communities, “coming out” is a long, complicated process, both for yourself and those you share your truth with. I’m no exception.

I know my mother has always wished for grandchildren, and our extended family no doubt asks her about her eldest child’s family prospects. She can let a rush of praise flow about how I’ve achieved in my career, but I have put her in a difficult position through my silence. I can’t be certain how my extended family will take this news.

I’ve remained quiet about it for a long time, because it didn’t seem all that important to me. I’m who I am, and any focus on my life outside the game of hockey seemed like a distraction. But I felt the whispers from teammates and the media. I saw and heard the hurtful things some fans said about me. I sensed my extended family’s questions, and my mother’s hopes for grandchildren to continue the family name. I felt the distrust and judgment all around me, and no matter how I tried, it was there in the back of my thoughts. “What am I hiding?” felt like the repeated, silent question.

I saw the looks other players and their families give me at big league events, when I show up without a date, or how I close myself off at events like the awards show. That isn’t because of my sexual identity as much as being an introvert deeply uncomfortable in such spaces. I skipped the SMJHL Awards ceremony my rookie season; instead flying home to train with the German World Junior Championships team and to visit my mother and sister. I didn’t know I’d won an award until two days later (at the time I still only had the “dinosaur” flip phone many have chagrined), though I knew I’d been nominated for the best rookie. I think I’m one of the few award winners in the last 10 seasons to miss their own award acceptance.

Booze, drugs, and some misconceptions

My introverted nature has exacerbated the reactions of many to me, especially when I abstain from hard drinking and partying. Emeka Valentine-Okoli @ProjectSaint, another Colorado alumnus I’ve become familiar with over time, was taken aback when I refused to go shot for shot with him at the league’s 50th Anniversary celebration. That just isn’t me. I appreciate my longtime teammates like Xander [Selich] @Tomen, Luffs {Monkey D. Luffy] @TnlAstatine, Viktor [Marius] @karey, and @Vandy [Eric Vanderberg] who, after some confusion early on, have grown to support that just isn’t my lifestyle. Still, with each new hard drinking group of rookies, I feel the stares and judgment when I refuse to “hit the clubs” and drown myself in top shelf liquor. People rarely ask why anymore, but confused stares segue into quiet shrugs as people just accept “that’s not Cass’s scene.” The veterans in the room help to cut through the awkwardness.

I want to dispel this stereotype for you. Frequently, it’s believed or assumed that ace people avoid alcohol, partying, etc. While I feel uncomfortable in those spaces and contexts, I don’t believe that has as much to do with my sexuality as other parts of who I am. Many people among the ace community enjoy those experiences and spaces; I just don’t. If anything, I think my aversion to those spaces, in some part comes from similar things that might make any gay or queer person uncomfortable—expectations of heteronormativity and performance of aggressive, hypersexualized, and predatory behavior, made worse by alcohol consumption. My manhood is not, nor should anyone else’s be, predicated on viewing others as sexual conquests to be won; I rather avoid the spaces where those messages (verbal or implicit) are most common.

I am still a social person—prior to the quarantine, I loved to have my teammates and their significant others over for dinner (I love to cook!) semi-regularly, and I have quite a decent bourbon shelf in my apartment. I have close friends both in and out of hockey; Dom and I hang out as often as we can during the season, and Barret McCarthy @Inf1d3l and I spent as much time as we can between home stands for Buffalo and Manhattan. I’ve dug deeper into my community in the Allentown neighborhood, where I’ve lived for the last 3.5 years; I love the artistic energy of the neighborhood, and miss wandering the local galleries with some friends pre COVID-19. I live a fulfilling and supportive life without a romantic partner.

I am so deeply thankful to my mother and sister, for their support. I didn’t know how they would react when I told them last summer, when I was back home to spend some time with Hanna and her new husband, Heinrich. Their love and support continues to push me forward. All I do is to help them have a better, safer, more comfortable and happy life. I am excited to see my nephew, Finn Peter Pohl-Darrow, sometime soon. He is almost two now! I met him as a newborn, but the quarantine has made international travel difficult. I am thankful I listened to my family and got a nicer, new phone, so that we are able to video chat across the miles and oceans. I still am not a big fan of all this fancy technology, but in this new world after the pandemic, I have appreciation for the ways technology can help us stay in touch. I believe Hanna and Heinrich will have news soon of a second child—they’ve said nothing, but sometimes you have a gut feeling. I know she hopes for a daughter.

To the fans who have said they cannot trust someone they don’t know, while demanding I be traded: I am sorry. I have always considered my personal life just that: deeply personal and for me. I never set out to be a public figure or role model. I play hockey because I’m good at it and am driven to be the best, all in the name of my family. I never wished to be a star or a mentor for people; I understand that, due to my position within the league and my team, this is a responsibility I have to carry. I hope these words help you feel a closer tie to me, as a human being in this world, and lessen some of your concerns.

I’ve written this because I know my story can help others. There are many young people out there who struggle with their sexuality, and look to any mentor figure, whether that be in their day-to-day lives or from public figures like myself, to help show them they are normal, natural, and deserving of love (however they constitute that). I don’t see myself ever marching in a Pride parade; I don’t think I need to. But I can be more honest and open about who I am, and how that’s shaped me. I can expand ace visibility with my public pulpit as a professional athlete and help educate people.

The LGBTQ+ community (wherein ace people are part of the plus), is a complicated mess sometimes. I’m not sure whether I feel a part of that larger community, and much of my wish to “come out” comes from those spaces frequently marginalizing or flat out ignoring asexual people. Regardless, I’m going to make space. Whether or not I want to be part of those spaces, personally, we all should have the ability to feel welcomed amongst the wide range of identities that fall under the queer umbrella. In time, I might feel comfortable identifying as a member of the larger LGBTQIA+ community someday. Until then, I’ll do what I can to help others find space for who they are.

There may never be a Cassius Darrow, Jr. I love my family and want to make my parents proud. I have my own ways to do that that don’t involve starting my own family. I do look forward to being a great uncle to young Finn and however many other little ones that follow him for Hanna and Erich. I relish my friendships with others, in and out of hockey, both in the States and home in Germany. That is enough for me.

You are normal. Your feelings, emotions—and how you feel most authentic loving another person—are valid. You are deserving of love. No matter the darkness you may feel, you are not alone.

If you have questions about asexuality and wish to learn more, the Trevor Project, Campus Pride, and the Asexual Visibility & Education Network are great online resources.

Quote:2944 words, ready to grade. This has been a long time coming! Thanks to bilbo for their edits, and everyone I've let into the circle knowing this has been in the works for at least the 8-10 months.

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#2

Stampede \_ \_ \_ Stampede

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#3

Ilike Ilike Ilike

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#4

Awesome job, loved the read, such depth of character!









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#5

Thanks so much for wanting my input on this. Cheers to Dom and Darrow's friendship! Cheers

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#6

Stampede Always lots of love for you big man <3



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#7

we are the green warriors

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#8

Finn :eyes:

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#9

05-25-2020, 10:44 AMWannabeFinn Wrote: Finn :eyes:
You're too much lmao.

Should I have made his father's name Aaron, so we could have the same daddy?

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#10

05-25-2020, 11:11 AMhhh81 Wrote:
05-25-2020, 10:44 AMWannabeFinn Wrote: Finn :eyes:
You're too much lmao.

Should I have made his father's name Aaron, so we could have the same daddy?

Whew.




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#11

Great article trips!




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#12

_/ _/ _/

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