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TURG’S FIRST GOAL PARTY!
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Hello, and welcome to a special edition of Hockey: Right Now. As always I’m your host, Bobby Bungus. I currently stand inside the home of Anchorage Armada left wing, TURG TURG. It would appear that TURG has invited his entire team, every reporter he could find and for some reason, Dave Matthews. TURG has instructed me to give you a tour of his home until he is ready to be interviewed. So without further ado, this is a new segment I call: I’m In Your Home!

First we have the kitchen where TURG prepares all his meals. You wouldn’t know it by looking at him, but TURG is a cooking wizard. Most of his dishes consist entirely of meat. But it’s the best damn meat anyone has ever eaten. In the refrigerator are many opened bottles of hot sauce and a single block of cheddar cheese with a bite taken out of it.
When asked about the block of cheese, TURG responded: “HAH! SORRY MISTER BUNGUS! TURG ATE THAT CHEESE AFTER TURG DRANK TOO MUCH! IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN!”

Let’s move on to the living room. Probably the most extravagant part of the house. A chocolate fountain stands in the middle of the room. This isn’t just for the party, apparently as TURG says it was the first thing he bought with his contract money. Behind the fountain is a one hundred and five inch 4K high definition television which TURG says is exclusively for watching Days of Our Lives and the Spider-Man show from the sixties. TURG also owns a large number of gaming consoles which he states he has “liberated from their captors.” Whatever that means. TURG’s favourite games are ‘Viva Piñata: Trouble in Paradise’, ‘Knack 2’, and ‘Dark Souls’.

Moving on to the bathroom where TURG has carefully laid towels all over the floor. “JUST IN CASE YOU MISS.” Thank you TURG.

Finally, we move on to the bedroom. Oh my goodness. It appears his walls are covered in posters of WWE Superstar John Cena with the mouths cut out. Strange. It also looks like he sleeps in a race car bed. I feel like I was not supposed to see this.

CRASH

It seems that TURG has tossed someone out a window and into his pool. And by pool I of course mean the plastic kiddie pool in the back. So now might be a good time for a quick interview.

”So TURG, you managed to pick up the opening goal in the game against Colorado. A game in which the Armada won five goals to four. How did you feel after getting the first?”

”TURG VERY HAPPY ABOUT SCORING GOAL! WHEN TURG SCORE CROWD YELL TURG TURG TURG! TURG WANT TO CELEBRATE BY TAKING OFF CLOTHES BUT COACH SAY NO!”

”Yes we noticed. Near the end of the first period you took what many deemed an unnecessary goaltender interference penalty. Would you like to comment on that?”

”GOALIE SAY MEAN THING ABOUT TURG MOMMA! TURG MOMMA IS A SAINT! TURG DID NOT LIKE IT AT ALL! IF RAPTORS GOALIE IS WATCHING PLEASE SAY SORRY TO TURG MOMMA!”

”Now that you’ve got one goal, are you going to be looking to light the lamp more often? Is this going to be an offensive explosion from TURG?

”TURG WANT TO SCORE LOTS OF GOALS! TURG GOING TO GET HIS HANDS DIRTY AND DO WHAT EVER IT TAKES TO SCORE!”

”And what are your thoughts on the people saying you don’t have what it takes to win at the SHL level?”

”TURG WORK HARD! TURG MAY NOT BE GOOD RIGHT AWAY! BUT TURG WORK HARD TO BE GREAT! TURG CREAM OF THE CROP OOH YEA!”

”And do you have any final comments?”

TURG proceeds to reach into the crowd, fishing an unsuspecting Bork Lazer out and squeezing him in a massive hug reminiscent of Gossamer from the Looney Tunes.

”TURG WANT TO THANK HIS FRIEND AND TEAM MATE BORK LAZER FOR ASSISTING HIS GOAL! WITHOUT BORK TURG NOT SCORE! TURG LIKE BORK!”

Well thank you TURG for the insightful look into your life. That’s all the time we have. As always, I am Bobby Bungus. And this has been Hockey: Riiiiight Now.


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#2

TURG TURG

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TURG TURG

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#4

TURG TURG
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TURG TURG

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