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StamkosFan · 05-31-2020, 06:15 PM

The Texas Renegades announced today that they have won the most emo franchise award, as voted by the players of the SHL. Their uniform and logo, primarily black and devoid of all color, is reminiscent of a soulless abyss and clearly the darkest branding in the SHL. Many players have not heard of this award, as it is only voted on once every 10 seasons, but it has been one the Renegades have sought since the beginning.

"I am not okay. I feel so alone, and this award is the only light in the darkness. Nobody understands us, nobody gets it. But that is the path Texas must walk, as we wait for death and try to find a reason to endure this misery we call hockey," said Texas' coach.

The award is also known as the Nightmare Award, named for its first champion, the short-lived Vancouver Nightmare (currently the Tampa Bay Barracuda). Tampa Bay has insisted that it was "just a phase", and that they have grown up since then. They did not even come into the final voting nowadays. The Newfoundland Berserkers, with their black and blood red uniforms, and the Manhattan Rage, with the whole angry and hating the world thing, were tied for second place in the voting.

"The Nightmare Award does not mean what it used to, we don't see how a team of posers wins this award just by wearing black uniforms with white stripes. We hate everything, but apparently that's not enough anymore. We will go back to the drawing board and work harder. Black alternate jerseys will be rolled out shortly," said Manhattan's GM.

The Rage have also proposed adding blood spatter to their jerseys and having a skull as a shoulder patch. Themes of death are always in high consideration for this award.

Next up on the Onion News Network: Is Cassius Darrow @hhh81 the original StamkosFan multi?