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StadiumGambler · 06-06-2020, 10:18 PM

(Word count is close to 600.)

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In another bizarre development in the bizarre world of the SHL, Julio Tokolosh called a press conference today inside Edmonton's home arena to offer an apology to SHL players world wide. The heretofore unknown transgressions that required an apology? Julio is playing too good right now.

"I apologize for the inconveniences my excellent on-ice play has caused." said a fear stricken Tokolosh, standing in front of an enraged Tommy Salami who had a gun pointed to the back of Julio's head. "I was being selfish and only looking out for my own interests, and I will strive to be more co-operative for the greater good in the future."

How has Julio's on-ice play inconvenienced anyone? Simple.

Through back alley wheelings and dealings, it has been revealed over the years that SHL players take part in a gambling ring, betting on the outcomes of seasons and awards presentations, with particularly successful gamblers earning crates of a mysterious drug manufactured by fitness and nutrition giant Shane Banks Training (a known supplier of players in the Simulation Basketball Association that is currently under investigation by the DEA). This drug is known as Total Pectoral Energizing (or TPE for short.). The drug is linked to increased player performance, even somehow managing to affect player abilities that don't rely on the pectorals at all, like vision, instinct, and obstructing the goalie's sightline with your ass. The more you predict, the more crates of TPE you can get to shoot directly into your veins.

Julio Tokolosh's excellent start to the season has earned the ire of most star players in the league, who put their bets down on New England Wolfpack star Ola Wagstrom to win every MVP award and lead the league in points. If Tokolosh maintains his pace, he would be considered a runaway candidate for those awards, and would cost the league an estimated 1000 TPE overall.

The SHL is considering emergency measures to alleviate the situation, such as giving Ola Wagstrom two free penalty shots, one after each intermission. Several teams were also willing to dress SMJHL-level scrubs disguised in their roster players uniforms in games against New England, but the plan was abandoned when all of them turned out to be more talented than Tampa Bay's depth players.

Julio however, has a creative solution to the problem, ordered to him by Edmonton management.

"If you're a Blizzard fan, be on the lookout for chances to earn a souvenir. My coaches told me they won't leave me in a ditch at the end of the season if I spend all my shifts shooting the puck into the stands instead of making great plays."

Some players are heavily reliant on strategies like this to restore order to things, Manhattan Rage star forward Luke Thomason being among the most vocal.....

"Look man, I need another hit of TPE, I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself. I mean, look at these arms man! *Luke flexes right bicep* Its a 24 inch python, man! LAST SEASON IT WAS 25 INCHES! I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS! ONE OF YOU ****S HAS A SYRINGE OF TPE! I CAN SMELL IT! EVERYONE EMPTY YOUR GODDAMN POCKETS! RIGHT NOW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!"

Luke then proceeded to go feral and scratch and claw at his own face and the SHL Onion journalistic staff, before he was captured in a net and hauled away by Manhattan Rage personnel.

The SHL Onion will keep you updated on this situation as it develops......

Julio Tokolosh · 06-07-2020, 04:41 PM

my addiction isn't a joke

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