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Scarn Opts Out For Record Breaking 3rd Time
#1

As the Season 54 season winds down here in the SHL, Michael Scarn has announced to the public that he will opt out of his mutual option for Season 55 with the Buffalo Stampede for a record breaking 3rd time. Scarn has previously opted out at the beginning of Season 54 and a few days ago after Season 54 ended. With both of these attempts to opt out of his contract for Season 55 having ended in failure with the transaction being totally ignored in the SHL budget on both occasions, Michael Scarn will resort to opting out yet again at the conclusion of the Challenge Cup Final.

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Per Michael Scarn's last public statement, sports mogul agent Darryl Philbin from Athleap or Athlead will represent Scarn in free agency. Philbin has outlined the following requests to any SHL team that wishes to hire the star secret agent from Scranton:

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1. A beautiful signature that portrays Michael Scarn in his new team's colors. Branding is very important to Michael Scarn -- does he need to be liked? Absolutely not.  He likes to be liked. He enjoys being liked. He has to be liked. But it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like his need to be praised. A good signature is like a good car. Every manager needs a nice, flashy mid-size convertible to show off to his clients, or a limo to transport them to the corporate shareholders' meeting, because it is a sign of success.

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2. An open position at center. Michael Scarn knows a thing or two about where he operates best. When Scarn was a paper salesman at Dunder Mifflin, he dominated the rest of his competition. He won that regional salesman award so many times that they gave him two plaques in one year. Scarn was later promoted to manager of the Scranton branch, where he needed some time to make that adjustment but ultimately became the very best branch manager in the history of Dunder Mifflin with the best selling branch in the entire company. For a brief period of one day, Michael Scarn was demoted to the position of salesman in pursuit of money, but Scarn realized that the manager position was where he belonged. Similarly, on the ice, Scarn knows that center is where he can operate at his very best.

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3. A salary raise of no less than 12%. Michael Scarn worked at Dunder Mifflin for over 14 years without earning a single pay raise. Under the guidance of former warehouse foreman Darryl Philbin who is now one of the most premier sports agents in all of the world, Michael Scarn is better equipped to know what he is worth to whichever company or team employs him. Scarn knows all of the best negotiation tactics in the world, because of Wikipedia. Anyone in the world can write anything that they want on Wikipedia, which is how you know it will always be the very best information possible in the world. With these secret negotiation tactics in hand, Scarn will dominate any contract negotiation and you had better bring a good offer to the table. You give me a good raise, or no more sex.

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#2

You're supposed to ask for a raise of 15% and then get 12% smh

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#3

I know a place where nothing matters and you can do whatever you want

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Kraken|Barracuda|Uk
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#4

06-30-2020, 08:37 PMPremierBromanov Wrote: I know a place where nothing matters and you can do whatever you want

Scarn goes from over a point per game to 8G, 12A and a -54, sounds great!




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Thanks to Carpy, Cal, GoldenGlutes and myself for the sigs :peepoheart:

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#5

06-30-2020, 08:46 PMjfisherr Wrote:
06-30-2020, 08:37 PMPremierBromanov Wrote: I know a place where nothing matters and you can do whatever you want

Scarn goes from over a point per game to 8G, 12A and a -54, sounds great!

historic

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Credit to Copenhagen, Wasty, FlappyGiraffe, InciteHysteria, and caltroit_red_flames
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#6

06-30-2020, 08:46 PMjfisherr Wrote:
06-30-2020, 08:37 PMPremierBromanov Wrote: I know a place where nothing matters and you can do whatever you want

Scarn goes from over a point per game to 8G, 12A and a -54, sounds great!
hes a scrub

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