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Moreorless89 · 07-16-2020, 07:07 PM

Well, Vancouver faithful, your prayers, and human sacrifices have paid off--Luffy has been selected 66th overall by the Toronto North Stars. He was so excited he jumped out of the shower naked, and ran down the halls of our apartment building. He's still running, leaving a trail of wet footprints and bubbles in his wake.

Now I have known Luffy Richard since we were babies, seeing as we are both creations of the same neurotic individual who can't even figure out to delete posts he's accidentally created (also he sucks at math), and I must say that this is the most excited I've seen Luffy since he held his first hockey stick. What a hell of a run-on sentence that was, but I hope you won't blame this simple soul for such clumsy exuberance in the prosaic arts that is an SHL media post. Plus we have to pad the bank account somehow. Training isn't free you know, and boy does Luffy Richard need training.

Wait a minute...I hear yelling from outside the window. Yes, well, I hope that doesn't make its way onto the internet. Luffy Richard is jumping from parked car to parked car, still naked, yelling that he now knows how Rose during that one scene about the "Triassic." I'm sure he means Titanic, but perhaps there was a Jurassic Park/Titanic crossover I am unaware of.

Toronto sure seems like it is going to be a great place to play, but as of now, Luffy will still spend time with the Whalers developing his game and hopefully proving the defensive flair he has begun to cultivate will show the league he can be a threat on the Penalty Kill every time he is called to defend that sacred ice known as the defensive zone.

Ah s*** he just fell through someone's sunroof.

anyways, this coming season will see a trimmer Luffy Richard, one quicker from the first step to the last check. A healthy diet of light beer and grilled chicken sandwiches will have the winger in top form, much to the excitement of his coaches and the little shop across the street that makes him has sandwiches. Also, with the sponsorship of Dark Iron Light Beer, "the heaviest light beer in the world," which has been quoted as "refreshing, "easy to chew," and "like eating sourdough bread through a straw," (I don't even know if these are supposed to be endorsements or some weird flex), Luffy now only has to eat twice a day. This is important because it saves both teams at least a million dollars a season on instant ramen, because, and I quote, "I feel really full after a six-pack and two chicky sandwiches." Truly, this is a man at peak performance.

And, since we are going with sponsorship news, Rowdy Ramen has also sponsored Luffy Richard. "Ramen so rowdy, it won't stay home," is the slogan for the spiciest instant ramen to every plague the bowels, and bones, of mankind. Honestly, this is one sponsorship I wish he would have left on the table because it has been devastating to my moral. I use the neighbor's bathroom because no man save Luffy Richard could survive in such conditions. Plus, the spice is so strong it stings my eyes and I am not even eating the stuff. I'm pretty sure the spice ingredients are just something that happened when the army was testing napalm.

Maybe if we make call-ups I can find myself new accommodations.

Oh great, he's at the sandwich store. He has no shirt or shoes, how does he expect to get service? He does have a mask on. I don't know where he got it, or where he had it on him, but at least he has one. It is a very fashionable mask, too, if I don't say myself. Made by my grandmother, who has apparently just been invented out of the nether. I'm glad we have good backstories, and not hastily thought up nonsense to pad some sort of word count that determines the monetary value of a post.

oh hey, they gave him his food. I'm definitely not going to eat anything he's touched while naked. Wait..how did he pay for the food? He never has money on him, but when he's naked he has enough on him for four footlong turkey subs with no onions? This false reality is cruel.

Oh crap, the cops have been called. This could go bad. He's waving the food at them. They haven't left their squad car yet. Maybe they're reluctant to confront and excitedly naked man...or is it a man who is excited to be naked? Is there a difference? He's making a break for it. Man, I hope he can make it to training camp. I've lost sight of him.

Thus ends my deep analysis of Luffy Richard, the late-draft steal who maybe a project for the North Stars, but once he takes off his glasses, the league will realize how hot he is.

Keyboard Warrior, signing out.