Login

JSS331 · 07-16-2020, 05:43 PM

I need money so I am trying to think of just about anything that I can write about so I can afford to eat and train this season. For my first piece I will be assessing the draft purely from my personal opinion about each players name. There are some good ones and there are some boring ones but we will go through them all with commentary. Nothing personal, I have no idea who any of these people are so I am probably going to be making fun of future teammates.

Round 1 Pick 1 - Rikard Bjerg - Big fan of last names that begin with two consonants. Bjerg will probably be a stud in this league simply because people will be afraid that he may actually be a viking and will raid on their asses. Well done, deserving of number one overall.

Round 1 Pick 2 - Colin Lampert - This name screams, I enjoy tea and biscuits in the afternoon, long walks through the country side, and spirited debate about the proper way to fold the bottom sheet. Colin with just one L? Not the way I would spell it. Boring, uninspired.

Round 1 Pick 3 - Ryu Jones - liking the first name, reminds me of many wasted days playing Mortal Kombat as a kid. Hopefully this kid is a fighter too and will play well considering he was drafted third overall. FINISH HIM!

Round 1 Pick 4 - Connor Hutton - Not the most inspired name but it does sound exactly like a high draft pick in the NHL. I am not going to hate on that but I feel you could have done better. Good luck to you.

Round 1 Pick 5 - Theo Kondos - Exotic, I like the creativity. Kondos just sounds mean and I would guess his style of play will match it. We will see.

Round 1 Pick 6 - Teddy Park - All I can think of when I read this is, aww cute. It is a very cute name and I am sure all of the girls love talking about Teddy. Let's grow up and start going by an adult name Theodore. Get some respect.

Round 1 Pick 7 - Devin Basher - We are now entering the meat of the draft so to say. There are some real winners in the next 5-10 picks. If Devin is not a big goon defenseman with the last name of Basher then I will be seriously disappointed. I just know I would not want to end up on the receiving end of one his fists if his name is anything close to the man.

Round 1 Pick 8 - Alexander Oscarsson - not the absolute best name but props for the double s in the last name. Swedish perhaps?

Round 1 Pick 9 - Chris Goodname - normally I would not condone calling praises upon yourself or anointing yourself as the winner of this competition but the guy's name is Goodname. I can not argue with that, it is a good name. Well done.

Round 1 Pick 10 - Axel Foley - Any reference to an Eddie Murphy character is a winner in my book. In the 80's he was untouchable and almost every movie he made was gold, Beverly Hills Cop included. Top marks for pulling this one out, an early contender for top name in the draft.

Round 1 Pick 11 - Godmother - Normally you only see single names in Brazilian soccer players but apparently the SHL is about to get their own named....Godmother? I don't even know what is going on with this name, I give it high marks for creativity since they decided to go single name but outside of that, I am not a huge fan.

Round 1 Pick 12 - Igor Victory - This name gets a huge bump if the creator wants it to be pronounced I-gor rather than E-gor. That of course would then reference another classic movie, this time from the comedic genius Mel Brooks, Young Frankenstein. One of my favorite if so, if not, then it is just ok.

Round 1 Pick 13 - Terrence Smith - I am glad he did not go the route of Teddy Park but this name is boring. Then he goes and redeems himself by having the nickname Big Terry. I would just stick with that and leave all of that Terrence stuff behind you.

Round 1 Pick 14 - DuBolk - this name is so strange that I love it. His first name has too many damn special characters so I am just going with his first. I will call him Jooog.

Round 1 Pick 15 - Ryan Rieley - another name right off of the NHL draft board. Definitely a hockey sounding name but you definitely spelled the last name wrong. For that you get low marks.

Round 1 Pick 16 - Adrik Baranov - I picture this dude with a unibrow and a large forehead for some reason. I would not be surprised to learn that was part of a Russian experiment with the goal of creating a hockey monster.

Round 2 Pick 17 - TURG TURG - I think we can all agree, that this is the winner right here. A name so good it had to be in all caps. Tampa Bay gets the steal of the draft with the first pick in the second round in TURG TURG.

Other selected favorites

Round 2 Pick 18 - Lord Raiden - This name is pretty bad ass. Dude is a Lord and again another video game reference with the last name. Very nice work.

Round 3 Pick 40 - Hennesey Gallchobhar O'McGuinness - do I really need to explain myself on this one? I am going to go pour a pint of Guinness right now just thinking about this. Top marks.

Round 3 Pick 48 - Fleetway Super Sonic - very interesting name. Gives me a Seattle vibe.

Round 4 Pick 52 - Young Logo - Baltimore decided to draft the failed rapper Young Logo. Word is he still keeps his tags on all of the logo clothing he wears because returns it all after wearing it.

There are definitely some others that are decent but that gets me to about 1000 words and I am tired of writing. Again, this is all in good fun, I have not looked at who actually created all of these players but there were definitely some funny ones. For my money, TURG TURG takes the cake though as the number one name of the S55 draft class.