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ThisSeemsFishy · 07-18-2020, 06:20 PM

Welcome back to your least favourite hockey analyst show Hockeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy: Right Now! Unfortunately, Bobby Bungus got fired last week. Apparently he tweeted some pretty insensitive things about Michelle Obama a few years ago and we just can’t have that. Instead I’m your host, Pauline Mieleg with a brand new edition of Hockey: Right Now!!

With the draft over and players settling back into their usual offseason routines, one player has been making headlines. And not the kind of headlines you would expect. Of course, we’re talking about our favourite bespoken winger, TURG TURG!

While fellow Anchorage Armada teammates such as Theo Kondos, Sven Gunnar, Taylor Gervais, and Igor Victory have been going all out training in preparation for next season, TURG TURG has been securing his bag, as it were. TURG has been scouring the globe, looking for sponsorship deals wherever they can be found. He even got a sponsorship deal with The Brick, as he revealed on his personal twitter account.

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I didn’t even know TURG could read.

TURG’s list of sponsors doesn’t end there either. He has secured sponsorship from Lush, Spirit Halloween, Bojack Horseman from Bojack Horseman, Ren and Stimpy, and even got a reverse sponsorship from Bernie Sanders. When asked about it, Sanders had this to say:

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Riveting stuff.

But TURG’s most ludicrous sponsorship has to be from Playgirl Magazine which was thought dead for decades, it seems that TURG TURG’s massive TURG TURG brought it back from the dead. Add necromancer to TURG’s long list of skills, I guess. The entire issue mostly revolved around the 17th overall pick from the Rocky Mountains, but surprisingly, it featured other SHL draftees as well. A few candid shots of other Armada stars such as Igor Victory and Scoochie Stratton, presumably taken by TURG hiding in a closet or something.

The cover, features TURG in his favourite outfit.

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The inside pages, however, feature TURG TURG getting more and more risqué with his outfit choices, going so far as to be only hidden by bubbles. Unfortunately we can’t show any more than that or the network will shut us down.

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The latter picture of course also featuring a far too eager Scoochie Stratton.

Supposedly, each online purchase of this edition of Playgirl Magazine includes a life sized cardboard cutout of TURG TURG himself.

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Such raw power in this man. Just the thought makes you wanna...... Sorry. Got a little carried away. Where was I?

Oh yes, you can pick up your very own copy of the TURG EDITION of Playgirl Magazine at www.TURGISONTHECOMPUTER.org. If I were all of you, I would hurry before they run out. That fine piece of TURG won’t last forever.

Well, unfortunately that concludes this edition of Hockeyyyyyy: Right Now! Once more I am your host, Pauline Mieleg. We’ll see you next time.

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