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***sköldpaddor*** · 07-29-2020, 12:10 PM

CHICAGO’S BIG TRADE ACQUISITION ACTUALLY A GIANT CRYBABY, ALSO MAYBE SINGLE, MAYBE A SINGLE CRYBABY

If Gunnar Söderberg is known for anything throughout the league(we at the Inquirer are not convinced he is, but our editor told us this was worth reporting) it is his sportsmanship, but this past weekend before the team headed out on a lengthy road trip, he was overheard in a local Chicago bar saying some distinctly unsportsmanlike things. We spoke to a few people on the scene.

“He said ‘I’m just tired of playing like shit, everything is so hard now’” an anonymous man wearing a Steelhawks hat and a questionable suit told us. “If you ask me he’s a little baby. Gotta get you some good Canadian boys, these international players are too soft.”

“He was just really bummed out about everything,” reports one of the bartenders at one of the bars Söderberg was seen at. “Would not shut up about how he’s ‘letting his team down’ and all that emo bullshit. But you know, some people just get like that when they’re drinking, I’m used to it.” On one night, he was reported to have said that he “sometimes” just wants to “go back to Sweden and work with the kids” - likely referring to his disadvantaged youth outreach program in his hometown. Other sources reported that he might have used a number of swears in a drunken tirade about his own failings, but after speaking to the bartender, it turns out that Söderberg was only drinking Shirley Temples that night so "drunken tirade" might have been an exaggeration.

Another source said “Hello, are you writing an article about the hockey players? I want to be in the article” but had no actual information to offer us for a real quote.

Söderberg was also seen leaving the bar and returning to his apartment building with different individuals on three different nights, fueling rumors that his long-term relationship may have come to a fiery end. This could also explain some of the shortcomings in his play of late, although honestly he hasn’t been that good since S50 and a lot of fans we spoke to have begun to question whether he will get back that spark that made him such a desirable asset when he was drafted.

This is surely shocking news concerning a player who was described by another anonymous source as “an obnoxiously bright ray of sunshine,” and it will be interesting to see how much longer people are willing to give him to prove himself. We at the Inquirer don’t actually know that much about hockey, but we do like reporting on public figures who are having a difficult time and might have a worse time because we wrote a mean article about them. We assure all of our loyal readers that we will keep mercilessly prying until we get to the bottom of this issue that everyone in Chicago definitely cares a lot about, or until we get sued by someone and are legally obligated to stop talking about it.

The Syndicate are on a road trip currently and Söderberg as well as his teammates were unavailable for comment on his questionable behavior, but he will probably deny everything and assure us that he’s very happy and that we need to mind our own business.

SlashACM · 07-29-2020, 02:06 PM

Alexa play welcome to the black parade

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