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budweiser · 08-29-2020, 02:57 PM

After the disappointing losses and first round sweep, Bud Weiser took the series personally and has had a hard time. After the series sweep and being sober for 10 days, Archy Shafley caught up with Bud Weiser and his agent McGurk to see how he was doing.

According to McGurk, Bud took the losses and horrendous play personally and has reflected on his part. McGurk described Bud’s playoff performance and last run of regular season games as embarrassing, a toddler playing with grown-ups, and Shafley’s favorite “The dunce who showed up with apple juice to a bachelor party.” McGurk took a majority of the blame for Bud’s recent performance as he was the one who insisted on Bud going sober and changing his whole life and identity. According to McGurk, Bud actually became a decent human with his help at the battered women’s shelter, becoming a Big Brother for Big Brothers and Sisters, and volunteering at the food bank; however, McGurk realizes he ruined his own life and most likely costs himself a big payday with a likely falling draft stock. McGurk was quoted, “I completely fucked up, I made Bud go sober and shun his family as an idea to improve the player, but I only improved him personally and not the player. The only damn thing I care about is the player as it is my paycheck.” After that comment, McGurk seemed like a scuzball, we ended our discussion, and reached out to Big Bud.

Big Bud stated he was potentially looking for a new agent, as McGurk was a waste of space, but cheap. He stated, “McGurk made me go on the bullshit personal cleanse; however, the only thing it cleansed was our season.” Bud is aware finding representation will be difficult as he has a spotty past and a few black marks; however, he is hoping the upcoming draft helps increase is stock in an agents eyes. Somehow, Bud said all this without falling over, as his first mumbled words were “I’M FUCKING BACK BABBBBBBBBBBBBYY.” This was in reference to Big Bud being back on the wagon and rejoining his old self. Bud indicated as of 9am, he had paid Mollys, Fischers, BPV, 4 hands, and Scottish Arms to open by 5am and start serving alcohol for his “homecoming” party. Additionally, Bud personally paid most bars in the Soulard neighborhood to open fully by 10am. Bud’s big plans is to start pounding beers and slamming some less than desirable females starting at 5am. Bud is also throwing the rager to improve team moral, which is currently in the shitter, and getting more apples off ice in order to make up for his failed on-ice goals. By 745am, Bud indicated he already finished 10 beers, 4 big city slams, and had 7 apples. Some surrounding the party had these statements when they heard about the impressive but rising feats: “Bud is God to us schmucks” “Bud is St. Louis, dirty but fun” “He is back baby, time for a residual” and (my personal favorite) “This Buds for you, you, you, and you, this Buds or you. Grown and developed in St. Louis Missouri.”

As it appears, Big Bud is back and partying harder than ever. Some special guests even attended his first shenanigans. All the brothers were reunited for the first time in five years and played some (to say the least) interesting, but unsurprising for this group, games- ookie cookie, pin the dong in the girl, beer die, and their personal favorite Fuck Who?
As you can see, Bud is back slamming the Bud and Stage weisers along with wheeling and dealing with plenty of success. The old question of, how long will he live, can a liver take that much damage, and does he have more STDs or kills? Are now again relevant and alive.

After talking to Bud, we wanted to give the St. Louisans an actual take on the current mood of the Crows, we reached out to a few players.
The majority of the staff and players were excited to have Bud back in action as not only he is a gift off the ice, but they thought his temporary pause truly affected his on-ice play. They are mostly optimistic for next year, but the most vocal was Assistant coach Fish:

“We don’t have any words and we know you don’t want to hear them. We understand your anger, your frustration, your sadness. Everything you’re feeling – we get it. This isn’t the ending we imagined, and certainly not the one we wanted. Thank you for being there the entire way.” He continued “No disrespect to the Whalers, I'm a firm believer that Vancouver sweeping them is a huge fluke and robs the Scarecrows of truly accomplishing what their capable of. I've spent the last few days in pure disbelief and it just doesn't make sense to me. I've spent the entire regular season watching the Crows play great hockey it's just not fair. If the Crows lose again I will face that the Whalers deserved the win, but I am just 100% sure it was a fluke and does a big disservice to the Crows and the SHL.”

Unoriginally, Coach Fish decided to ruin the mood of his players and just use some recent quotes from recent arch-rival NHL personalities. It was quite disheartening, but summed up the on-ice play perfectly. Bud’s bamboozled cohorts thought Coach Fish used the correct words but did not realize he copied the words for one of the teams up north. The new question is: Which will happen first, Coach Fish being run/”Scared” (had too) out of town or leaving on his own due to embarrassment? The logical answer is Coach will stay in place and continue his current duties; however, these are unsuspecting times.

After Vancouver heard these quotes, Archy reached out to a few Vancouver natives for comments; however, Vancouvans were unreachable due to burning down their own city in celebration of an expected victory.

overdoo · 08-29-2020, 03:09 PM

This is great

*fishy* · 08-29-2020, 03:11 PM

Coach fish officially washed

budweiser · 08-29-2020, 03:41 PM

08-29-2020, 03:11 PMjfisherr Wrote: Coach fish officially washed

Thanks for the quotes! It really rounded out the article.

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