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Kraagenskul · 10-02-2020, 02:11 PM

This is a completely biased opinion of each of the SMJHL teams’ goal songs. It’s probably been done before but I am not motivated enough to check, and besides, who cares? Trigger warning for those of you cannot stomach some harsh language.

Anaheim Outlaws: C-
What the hell does the Walmart yodeling kid have to do with Anaheim or the Outlaws? I mean, I guess it’s a country song and people sometimes associate country music with outlaws, but this song is about some forlorn lover pining over his girl who used to call him “Sweet Daddy.” Even remixed, that’s cringey.

Anchorage Armada: C+
Siren goal horn with a somewhat okay song that sounds like it came from a midi file the owner found on a floppy disk.

Carolina Kraken: B
“It is time to release the Kraken!” Is ok, but it seems like it should be something played when the team comes out on the ice or goes on the power play, not when the team scores. Also it’s not Liam Neeson or Laurence Oliver (that Clash of the Titans movie you saw when you were 10 was a remake!) so it just doesn’t have the same impact. The song played after the decree is somewhat crowd pumping.

Colorado Raptors: B+
An air raid type goal horn with the cool as hell Jurassic Park raptor scream. 90% sure the team name was picked just to use the sound effect.

Detroit Falcons: B+
I figure it was around 5pm on Friday during the goal song selection meeting and the boss just wanted to go home and said “Fuck it! Use a falcon screech!” Throw in a pair of longer goal horns and it just works.

Kelowna Nights: D+
A fairly generic goal horn, some sirens are okay, but then for some reason they go with The Trashmen’s “Bird is the Word?” Really? What in the Nine does that have to do with Knights? That song is okay to listen to maybe once or twice a decade, but not every time the home team lights the lamp. Luckily, that is happening as much this season compared to previous seasons, so my ears are bleeding less.

Maine Timber: A-
“An A-? But it’s Kesha????” Shut the fuck up. I don’t give a shit if you turn your non-dairy whipped cream covered nose up at it because you think your shitty musical tastes are too good for it because you are “woke” and only sheep listen to that type of pop. This song is catchy as hell and perfect for the team name, and ten to fifteen thousand fans would dance their ass off to this every time the team scored. The only problem with the whole thing is that the song kicks on after a long goal horn and half a period has been simmed when it finishes.

Nevada Battleborn: C+
It’s not bad, it’s just generic. Any crowd would drown out the first part, but the song played afterwards would be something they would chant along too happily.

Newfoundland Berserkers: D+
Nelson’s “HA HA” is I guess supposed to be the goal horn, and that probably would’ve been hip sometime in the 90s. The Yoshi song is fun, but it’s a shitty goal song. You are named after vikings, put some damn heavy metal viking shit in there! Thankfully they stopped using “Ja Ja Ding Dong,” which was funny for maybe two games. That would’ve earned them an F. Maybe even an F minus. Dentists made bank off of SMJHL users last season because the Berserkers scored so much and got to play so many extra games.

Quebec Citadelles: F
This is the song they will play to torture those left behind after the Rapture.

St. Louis Scarecrows: B-
The creepy background, the crows crawling, and the catchy “The Mob Goes Wild” song make for an overall pleasing impact for hometown redlighters. The only issue might be the creepy background could get a little drowned out by the crowd but fortunately that usually isn’t an issue for the team.

Vancouver Whalers: 0+
Oh, you thought I was using the standard school grading system of A to F? Nope, I am using a Hexadecimal grading system, which for you English and philosophy majors goes 0123456789ABCDEF. That is how much better the Whalers’ goal song is than every other one.

It’s Brass Bonanza. It’s the greatest fucking goal song of all time, for any league, any sport, fictional , real, other planets, any universe, dimension, anywhere any time. If you think otherwise you are a bad person and should take a long look in the mirror and wonder where you have gone wrong in your life. GO WHALERS.