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*Toast* · 10-12-2020, 10:34 AM

With the recent uptick in Klompus' offensive output for the Monarchs, it's no surprise a new endorsement deal was soon coming his way. With the success of the Monarchs Food Night, Klompus was offered a deal to promote a food delivery service in the St. Paul area. Growing up in the city made it easy for Klompus to sign on as the star presence for the service.

For a subscription fee, fans will get access to Klompus' favourite food establishments in Minnesota with no delivery or service fees! Fans will simply need to pay a monthly fee of $9.99/month in order to have access. Other benefits throughout the month include special offers/deals that will give fans a discount should Klompus also happen to order delivery the same night! In these weird times some fans may find enjoyment in "sharing" a meal with the Monarch rookie.

This also opens up the system to the rest of the Monarchs players/staff who are looking to get their picks out there as well. Maybe even some will sell their own dishes!

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***Chevy*** · 10-12-2020, 10:50 AM

Chamberlain Home Security Systems - Because you want to keep intruders out.

It only makes sense with a fancy English sounding name that a company, specifically a home security company, would want Strom to be a spokesperson for it. With twenty-four hour monitoring, Chamberlain Securities, LLC will make it a point to keep intruders out, and your family and possessions safe. Included in the security is also a free subscription to their app service (as most new tech companies are pushing toward) that can help tie in to your home automation (where applicable). Want your lights on before you get home? Use the app. Forget to lock your doors? Use the app. Forget to yell at your obnoxious neighbor with a megaphone? That's an additional fee, but also available in the app (some restrictions may apply). They also even offer a "chokerlain" discount. If Chamberlain decides to choke in net on the day of your installation, you receive a 10% discount not only on the cost of installation but also in your monthly subscription fee.

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Wearingabear · 10-12-2020, 10:58 AM

Igor recently got approached by a company who is offering a butcher's box subscription, but not just your standard beef, chicken, and pork. No, this company offers "High end, sustainably killed, always wild, butcher's selection". Even though Igor is from Finland, who isn't known for the most delectable of foods, they are known for their Reindeer meat, of which Igor is always snacking on smoked reindeer jerky. So when Bloody Butcher's Box approached Igor about being their spokesman, Igor got excited and immediately wanted to join. Only on the condition that he could join on a few hunts. BBB agreed and took Igor out into the Alaskan wilderness and started their hunt. The guides and Igor started out looking for the easier of hunts, Elk and Deer. But Igor wanted something a bit more unique, especially on his first trip. So they turned their eyes towards Wolverines, Muskox, and Black Bears. These got Iggy thoroughly excited. When he got back into Anchorage, he invited the boys over for a BBQ on his property.

The boys were excited, and skeptical all at the same time. Most were just happy they didn't have to go into the wilderness for a week like Iggy did.

The box will be finishing it's branding and start it's marketing campaign. The monthly subscription will be $200, and if people want to join on a hunt, that's a $20,000 all inclusive stay up there, and at the end you'll get a year's worth of boxes for free.

***Ace*** · 10-12-2020, 11:08 AM

Frans Eller was just named the cover athlete of Trojan Magnum Condoms. Eller, already well regarded as the most well endowed member of the Wolfpack as per multiple teammate reports, quickly garnered the attention of the Trojan marketing team. Eller's beautiful ginger face is highlighted on the round wrapper, coupled with his catch phrase for the product.

"With Eller's Magnum Dong Condom Box, you're guaranteed to fill her five hole but nothing will squeak through!"

There are different tiers to the subscription. Tier one is for strong independent men who don't regularly need the warm embrace of a woman, and this sends you one condom per month. You have the Slap McShotty Package, which sends 5 per month, and finally, the (Clean) Package which sends ten condoms biweekly for the rather promiscuous clientele. Either way, if you're a well endowed male hockey fan, Eller's Magnum Dong Condom Box, this is the great way to bridge your lovemaking with your passion for hockey.

treant · 10-12-2020, 11:16 AM

For Nevada Battleborn forward Alexis Vermette, there has always been a surprise hobby that he has not told his teammates or fans about. Vermette spends a lot of time in his garden growing plants and different kinds of fruits and vegetables that he likes to eat.

He is not launching a service that allows people to be sent a box of items that he has grown in his garden for a cheap cost every month!

Alexis wants to help people eat good food that is organic and healthy, and his service will do just that. He is hoping that by launching the service he will do his part to get his fans eating the right kind of food and helping to give them good habits for the rest of their lives!

Alexis is not a person who has a lot of interest in business or making money but he hopes that the company he is launching will be something that he can work on when he has retired from hockey!

Segi · 10-12-2020, 11:18 AM

PT pass

DELIRIVM · 10-12-2020, 11:48 AM

It's no surprise that Nikiforov is a big fan of sweets. He can always found with M&Ms in his pockets or packs of skittles in his locker. So when approached to help create Danny Nik's Candy Box he was excited for the opportunity. Each month a box of 25 sweets from around the world are picked by Nikiforov and sent out to the subscribers. Within these boxes always comes an autographed Nikoforov Whalers card and twenty five of his favorite candies each month. The first month will focus exclusively on Russian candies. Most of these will be favorites of Nikiforov as a child growing up in Nizhny Novgorod. Some of the candies featured will be Mishka Kosolapy, Kara-Kum, Zolotoy Klyuchik, and Rulada. The first boxes will ship December 1st and be delivered well in time for the Christmas season. Nikiforov is proud to have his name on such a well put together product and hopes to bring attention to lesser known candies from around the world.
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*leviadan* · 10-12-2020, 11:48 AM

Burlok has been running a subscription service since before the glamour and bookoo bucks that comes with being an SHL player. Sulfurgold Farm has been running an on-demand potato subscription since 1991. For just €9 a month, any time you want a potato a Sulfurgold will bring it to you personally. Need it for cooking? Easy. Need it for planting? Sure! Just want to toss something around? We'll meet you where you're at! For years this worked great, as there is not really a scaling issue in the south German countryside. People used to ask for potatoes at reasonable times and for reasonable reasons. But problems arose with Burlok's fame, as now kids were spending €9 a month just to rapidly summon potatoes in hopes they'll meet Burlok. The even bigger issue is that it works about 50% of the time, so they're encouraged to do it further.

All of this is a roundabout way of apologizing to our loyal customers, because for the foreseeable future our monthly subscription fee will be increased to €12.99. This fee increase allows us to more quickly send Burlok out with potatoes, and cover some of the costs associated with the enormous spike in demand. Hopefully we can return to our standard pricing model when Burlok retires and nobody cares about him any more.

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W19eaver · 10-12-2020, 11:59 AM

Nevada Battleborn goaltender Phillip Weaver is well known for having grown up on a farm, so it was no surprise when it was announced he would be the cover athlete for a new Grade "A" subscription beef service. For the low cost of $49.99 per month (and yes that's CAD so it's even cheaper for you Americans) a person will receive 2 random cuts a week of organically raised grade "A" Canadian beef. So that's 8 slabs of beef for you hungry carnivores a month. Along with the beef you will also receive a hand written recipe by Phillip Weaver himself (or most likely someone pretending to be Phillip) to help give you suggestions on the best way to cook the beef. Phillip was thrilled when approached with this offer as he was raised on red meat and potatoes and will have that as his pre-game meal superstitiously and with the way he performs in his games, he might just be on to something.

ThisSeemsFishy · 10-12-2020, 12:10 PM

When it came to subscription packages, TURG TURG had a few ideas. Some more illegal than others, but we won’t get into that. The one TURG and his team decided on, was TURG TURG’s Massages. I already know what you’re thinking. “How can I get a massage from that sexy beast, TURG TURG?” “Why does he make me question my sexuality?” “Did I leave the oven on?” I assure you, all your questions are valid, and will be answered. TURG TURG’s Massages is a monthly subscription package for only $10.99 and it has already drummed up quite a subscriber list. For subscribers, once a month, the slick left wing with a few loose screws will break into your home while you sleep and give you a massage. He also eats all your raw meat but I think that’s a different thing entirely. So if you want a sweaty mountain man to break into where your family lives while you’re all asleep and rub his hands all over you, TURG TURG’s Massages are right for you!

credit to MuNk22 for the sig

*takethehorizon* · 10-12-2020, 12:14 PM

Kavanagh's Kabs.

An Uber-like driving service but just for hockey fans! The idea came from Cilian's parents who needed rides home from games without wanting to pay the ridiculous Uber/Cab up charge. Kavanagh's Kabs allows fans to safety be transported to and from the arena's without having to risk drinking and driving. This service would be cheaper than a regular cab or Uber ride. Each car comes equipped with a flatscreen tv and the SHL season ticket package allowing the SHL fan's to not miss a beat, even if stuck in traffic. Drivers are also able to offer fan food such as popcorn, hot pretzel's and corn dog's at an added expense. Kavanagh's Kabs is currently working on establishing a liquor license to be able to serve ice cold beer on the way and from games. The user friendly app will allow discounts for upcoming SHL games and will have a reward-like system that honors faithful users with free rides for continued use!

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***TheSparkyDee*** · 10-12-2020, 02:23 PM

Zakkira Diporovs FOOD EATING SERVICE. Falcons

My player loves American food, so much so that Uber Eats approached him to start a service where he comes and eats the food out of your fridge. For a charge of course, so for example for $20 bucks plus tip. Zakkira will come to your house and eat the food that is going to expire. It cleans the fridge out for them to go and get more food from the grocery store. It took off so much and Zakkira could not keep up, he hired the local soup kitchen people who needed food to survive so they got paid to eat! What a job. Zakkira and Uber Eats Food Eating Service is in all the states that you will find the SHL, and even is in Canada now. We are still awaiting a proper name for this amazing food service.

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***trashae*** · 10-12-2020, 03:04 PM

Teddy Park is known for a lot of things, but what the fans love him for is his willingness to drop the gloves and have a good 'ole donnybrook. As part of that a local boxing gym reached out to Park about partnering for a subscription membership to take their classes. Park gave a very emphatic yes and thus the service "Teddy Park their ass on the ground" was born. Anyone that signs up gets unlimited access to Los Gatos Locos Boxing in downtown Kelowna. On top of the base service people can pay an extra $6.90/ month to have someone show up to their house so they can beat the shit out of them. As part of the deal too Park agreed to exclusively train at the gym in the offseason and host quarterly events where fans can come and get a black eye for free. Kelowna as a blue collar city loved the idea and in the first 2 months and 9 days post launch 69% of Kelowna's adult population was already signed up and they had to create a waiting list for the premier tier.

**RomanesEuntDomus** · 10-12-2020, 04:32 PM

First of all we'd like to thank our sponsor Geek Crate... No, I mean Nerd Box... Finest plastic garbage sent to your doorstep every month! And now to our actual content because there is no way in hell that my player would promote that shit!

My player Philipp Winter would probably try to start a subscription Whisky & Chocolate service. The "and" is important here because while Whisky is great, it only rises to the level of perfection when you have the right thing to enjoy it with - and one of those things that works surprisingly well is chocolate, so why not package those two together in a monthly bundle? Whisky isn't just best enjoyed with chocolate, it's also best enjoyed with friends so this package will also be set up in a way that makes it easy for your friends to subscribe to this together and get the right ingredients to meet up for a monthly tasting. When you sign up you receive one bottle per month (no need to overindulge) but it won't be the same bottle for everyone, as every customer can choose between a total of 12 different packages. Those packages don't give a ton of information about what they will send you, but they still cover various preferences (smooth, smoky etc.) and, more importantly, serve as a randomizer so that if you and your friends sign up for different packages, you are all sure to receive a different bottle in any given month. So feel free to share and meet up and make sure to bring the chocolate as well - hopefully you won't have already eaten it all by yourself at home before the tasting has even been scheduled Tongue

**leafsftw1967** · 10-12-2020, 05:01 PM

For Mats Marner I would start a subscription for a monthly service for ordering mats to your house. Pretty much each month you would get a different mat sent to your house with different themes for different parts of your house. Some mats would be for the bathroom, for the entrance to your house, outdoor on the patio, in the hallway, etc. The mats would also have seasonal themes for the fall, winter, spring and summer to match you different house decorations. They would also come in the red, black, white and orange colours that are combined team colours of the Calgary Dragons and the Newfoundland Berserkers the major league SHL team and minor league SMJHL team that Mats Marner plays for. If subscribers do not want the standard colours and different seasonal themes they will also be given the option to make customs designs and colours that they can post on the mats virtually which will then be made by hand and sent to their house. Overall this would be a great subscription package!

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