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The definitive guide to Fantasy Drafting
#1

The definitive fantasy pick selection guide
 - by me, this guy. Zoltan
Based on a true story (just ask @"Awesomecakes" mmkay?)
1041+ words and ready for grading. Added words after I copied it over here.



Have you ever been stuck trying to make the best fantasy pick you possibly can. You have a whopping 18 hours of time to figure this out but still struggling? Are you new to the league and just have no idea what's going on? Are you just here for the easy 1 million SHL dollars and don’t want to piss off the rest of your fantasy group? Are you here to learn from one of the most mediocre fantasy drafters out there? This is the article for you! You can know absolutely nothing about the SHL and still do just as well as I have in SHL Fantasy. Last season I came in 5th in my group and the season before that 7th. As you can see from these incredible statistics I have just shared. I have yet to finish in last. I have slowly been "perfecting" my methods over the course of this season. Please continue reading or don’t, I don't care. When I started writing this I was in second place in Fantasy. Its been like a month or so and now i’m in 5th. For me, Not bad, not bad at all. 

We all know that feeling. You get an email. Its 8pm Eastern Standard Time. Someone sent you a message on SHL site. A pit drops in your stomach. Crap, its time to pick (or I PM’d you for faulty bank transaction) in fantasy. You drum over who you want to pick hemming and hawwing. Your husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other tries to pry you away from the computer. Maybe you want to sleep on it, see how you feel. You finally pass out at 1am only to wake up at 2am and still have no idea who you want to pick. You sit and repeat the players' names in your head as you eventually drift back to sleep. It has now been 17 hours and 15 minutes and three people in your fantasy group have already PM’d you reminding you to make your pick. Come on dude, its the first pick in Fantasy, just pick someone!

You remember your buddy Zoltan mentioning his “decision making service”. All you have to do is Deposit 50,000 SHL dollars into his account and send him a PM on discord. You decide to take the Plunge

You - Zoltan! Help! I need to make a pick in Fantasy and I don’t know what to do!

Zoltan - Hey You, i can help you for just one easy payment of $50,000 SHL dollars.

You - I already sent you the money please help me!

Zoltan - Ok i checked my bank account and approved this (Not a true story this didn’t actually happen there was no exchange of funds here ok?) Have you decided which two players you are between?

You - YES! I am between Player A and Player B! (no real players were harmed during the writing of this media) 

Zoltan - Ok, please select you quarter from the options below. We have a new mint 2011 Colorado Quarter here. This Quarter was obtained from Dunkin Donuts (during covid) when Zoltan bought a Large Iced coffee with Skim milk and 2 sweet and lo. I didn’t have exact change but thats ok. There is also 2001 North Carolina of unknown origins. 

You - Um, okay cool I’ll take the Dunkin Donuts quarter please. 

Disclaimer: We are not sponsored by Dunkin Donuts and this is an official US currency quarter, it just so happened to be obtained at a Dunkin Donuts (This information cannot be verified)

Zotlan - Ok please stand by. Going to hop into the Official SHL discord channel here. Ok we have determined here that Player A is Head and Player B is tails. Is that ok with you You?

You - Yeah that’ll work for me lets go and get this show on the road

Zoltan - Ok, Live streamed is open. Going to flip the quarter in the air here. The flip ONLY counts if there is noise upon the coin flip. If there is no cool ping sound upon flip, I will hide the result as its a no flip. ALSO, the Quarter needs to land on a solid upright surface. There is no catch and flip onto the back of the hand. This flip is purely done, in the presence of Zoltan, lord of the Zoltans.

You - Ok I can agree to that. I already paid you and now 4 people have PM’d me asking me to make my pick so lets go!

Zoltan - Okay. The live discord stream is open and we are ready to flip. Coin is in position and is facing in the heads position at the moment. 

You - My heart is POUNDING LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. 

Zoltan - Okay okay jeeze calm down. *Flips coin*

Time starts to slow down. You hear the slow PING that a coin makes when it is perfectly clipped by a fingernail. A perfect heads over tails flip by Zoltan. The Camera shakes as Zoltan attempts to follow the quarter on his iphone, but his coordination is quite off. It's very difficult to flip a coin properly while holding a phone up correctly. Leave me alone. 

The Quarter lands perfectly on the desk with a loud PANG! Your heart is beating faster and faster. YOU NEED TO KNOW WHO YOUR PICK IS. 

Zoltan- Its heads you have to pick player A now. 
You - OH I KNEW IT THATS WHO I WAS GOING TO PICK THE WHOLE TIME
Zoltan - Yeah, ok buddy

Well everyone thank you for reading my guide to making the best fantasy picks. Just as a heads up, I will be providing this service for real going forward. HO, please approve the payment amounts that I am allowed to charge for this. If that amount is Zero, i’ll probably just do it for shits and giggles because it really does happen to be fun. I’ve made multiple fantasy picks this way. Please see Image below and link to my post in my fantasy draft showing this actually happened. 

Thank you and goodnight, goodmorning whatever. Remember I’m taking requests for a small (probably miniscule) fee. I am also happy to provide my service on things outside of fantasy picks. Ie. Major life decisions.

Fantasy Draft Proof

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  • Zoltan

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[Image: Rangerjasegmailcom.gif]
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#2

BOW DOWN TO THE LORD ZOLTAN! 




Great piece. Put this man in the Hall of Fame.

Drafted 2nd round 21st Pick by the Winnipeg Jets in S55 SHL Entry Draft 
GM of the UCORCAL in the WJC S55
S55 WJC Gold Medalist GM/Player for UCORCAL
Management Role for Russia in the IIHF
Recent Management Role / Head Coach for Winnipeg Aurora in SHL 
CO-GM St. Louis Scarecrows S57-S60
GM of the St. Louis Scarecrows S61-S72
S72 Challenge Cup Champion
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#3

Zoltan the true GOAT

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Thanks to @karey and @JSS for the sigs!


Former USA Fed Head, Carolina Kraken Co-GM, Tampa Bay Barracuda GM
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#4

[Image: WarlikeAffectionateAntarcticfurseal-max-1mb.gif]

[Image: 81ImQYu.png][Image: suavemente.gif][Image: QD85cmZ.png]
     Platoon    Timber
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#5

You really have to be unlucky for the coin to land on kholin

[Image: Kalakar1.gif]

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#6

literally didnt help me pick my fantasy team smh my head

[Image: premierbromanov.gif]




Fuck the penaltys
ARGARGARHARG
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